Onward

During the Garage Sale I got to meet a few of my neighbors... one has a son-in-law who has, wait for it...... Appendix Cancer. Hmmm. I guess he was and is stage 4 but in remission. has been for 7 years I think. He attributes it to an herbal tea (4 herb tea @ herbal healer.com) and he monitors his pH levels every day still- taking drops to regulate his system to not be acidic or something like that. (pH strips and drops @ luckyvitamins.com)I am willing to do both of those every day if it saves my life. I'd heard of teas and such- but I hadn't heard anything about pH levels... but evidently an acidic system is bad and taking some drops balances it. Whatever- as long as it keeps me around longer.
Of course I haven't gotten around to it yet and will be asking my new Oncologist about doing so before hand.

On THAT topic- I still haven't gotten an appointment with the new guy yet. Dr. Saab. He's got to have paperwork from Dr. Arnold (my surgeon) and Dr. Cawley (my local Oncologist- I'm not leaving her.. just in addition to) and still doesn't have all that he needs or they'd be calling me to schedule. I am not anxious about starting clinical trials but it's got to be done. So be it. Gotta lay the smack down tomorrow so I can get this stuff rolling. Been dragging my feet on doing it but I go back to work next Monday and I want to get my ducks in a row.

Still haven't received my disability pay... a little pissed about that. They won't return my calls. grrr. Got to get bitchy I guess.

AND I have to get the last minute stuff taken care of for Relay for Life. I like being in charge, but I don't like it at the same time. This year's theme is kinda hard to work with and I've got a lot of irons in the fire. It will be overwith soon enough.

After that- a Geneticist appointment with my Mom and sister. Then my sister's surgery.

But for tomorrow... lots of phone calls and laundry. Getting the house in order before going back to work.
Folding underwear= living life to the fullest.

Wow! Now I'm REALLY connected

I treated myself to a notebook computer this week and got it yesterday!!! It seems I've been spotted with purple throughout my life- it always 'just so happens' that I get stuck with purple things. My Lotus phone is purple... the only color they had when I renewed my contract. This notebook is purple and it was between this color and yellow I think. (eesh) A few years ago when I got married- I was NOT particular about the colors, it was just that the dress shop had a few bouquets that were silver and purple that went with my dress. "Okay" I said. I'm not picky.
My Fave color is green- but since Relay for Life stuff is purple, no biggie getting that color in stuff. I just don't wanna over-do it.

I know I will be blogging more now- I don't have to seclude myself to the basement to get online and when I go for whatever treatments are in store for me, I can come here and yakkity, yakkity. Lucky you. har har.

I got a little more energy this week and pulled off a decent Garage Sale. All $$ went to the Relay for Life. We made about $340. So it wasn't a bunch, we had a lot of stuff underpriced. Then you get the people that want to haggle over a doll being marked $.50 and they only want to pay $.25..... ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? Did you NOT see that this Garage Sale is for CHARITY? So sad really.

I can't even haggle in Mexico, where it seems to be an art form. Oh well.

The highlights of today... Iris set up her first Lemonade Stand. LOVE IT!! She made $8.50 and I told her I'd match that for her piggy bank. She's too cute.





Still getting ready for the Relay- gotta get shirts printed and stuff. But we've got sponsors now- YAY!!! This week I crack down! Stay tuned!

So sue me.

I slept the day away..... again. But I VOW to be running around alike a headless chicken tomorrow. Lots to do this week. it goes a little something like this.
1. Call insurance company and ask where the hell my disability check is.
2. Call Columbus Oncologist about gracing him with my presence and the honor of treating this beauty.
3. Solicit more sponsor money for Relay for Life shirts to be made quickly.
4. Find a t-shirt printer to do it on the cheap.
5. get to my dad's house to sort through all the "other" stuff that we have in storage so I can get rid of most of it for a yard sale we're having here on Friday. (A Relay for Life fundraiser or I would say no go.
6. Turn in application forms for the girls to be "Little Miss Relay" contestants. A-hem... no makeup thank you very much.
7. Oh yeah- watch Lost and V tomorrow night.... yeah- so the list isn't chronological.
8. Schedule and get Vera to a 'Well Baby' checkup.
9. Get the 2 lawns cut.
10. Tons of laundry and rearranging furniture.

I'm sure there is more in there but I don't have my 'to do' list right in front of me.

All this planning for the Relay and other 'lifely' (not lively) things makes me think.
I see on TV where people given a crappy diagnosis go out and "Live life to the fullest." How on earth do you do that when you've got day to day responsibilities that are hard enough to take care of?

I will say that my sister and I are kinda planning something for Memorial Day weekend. We don't know what yet, but SOMETHING. Mommy guilt says I should spend that time with my girls. But I do have to do something for myself besides getting an eyebrow wax. (Add that to my list because these things are getting outta control)

We were thinking Tennessee, Chicago, New Orleans, New York or just good 'ol West Virginia whitewater rafting. Though it may be a little cold for me.

Any ideas? Gotta be affordable and all. But fun. You know- taking life by the whatevers.

Feeling my Oats

That sounds dirty, but I mean I've got a bit of energy today. I think it's the Claritin I took for the nasty cold I'm getting. I know- Claritin is for allergies, but it does wonders for me when I have a cold.
Heading to Columbus with my sister today for her Oncologist appointment. I guess she's having the total hysterectomy... her choice. Because the Onc said that for all intents and purposes- she's clear because the surgery got the tumor. But since she's got Lynch Syndrome too- her chances of uterine cancer are 40-60% and she doesn't want to risk it.
I count my blessings that I've got my girls. I feel bad that she will not have babies of her own. She will make a great adoptive mother though. She doesn't want to hear that (I don't think she even reads this blog) but I know she will.
I wouldn't trade my girls for "no cancer." I can't even imagine.
Even though this morning has been trying with the two of them this morning, I try to freeze frame every moment.
I would like a day off, however. Not from the girls- but from the mere KNOWLEDGE that I have cancer. Yeah, that'll happen.
Until they can perscribe me a pill for that, I'll just find creative ways to escape.... like watching "RuPauls Drag Race." :P

Making my comeback.

On Blogspot, that is. I finally have internet in my new house and am connected again. So much to say when I think about it but when I log on to "talk"............. nothing.
Our Wheelchair Basketball Game was a bust. We made money- but just barely. Thanks to 2 $100 donations from kick-ass individuals. Otherwise it would not have been good. The game itself was VERY entertaining and I thank the Wheelers http://www.mariettawheelers.org/ for playing.... as well as the guys on our team. They lost, but played great.
It was disappointing that so few showed up for it. It was on TV, Radio, in the paper, on flyers around town. I kinda knew a majority of the people who said "Yeah, I'll try to be there" wouldn't be. My sister and I were comparing it to when we'd go whitewater rafting: SOOOO many people act pumped about it and say "Sure- that sounds awesome, let me know when you go!" And we give them ample time to plan. If everyone who said that ACTUALLY went, we'd fill buses to go. But it was always just Micki and me. That's okay for stuff like that- but I dunno that I will brave another 'depend on people to show up to make a profit' event again. I may stick to raffles and begging. It was too stressful for too little a payoff. At least if I DID do it again- I know not to expect too much.
"He who expects little won't be disappointed." Isn't that a famous quote? If not- it should be.
I'm still a little bummed about my prognosis. Got my staples out on Tuesday and talked to the surgeon. I like him alright- but it's kinda grating on my nerves that he doesn't give REAL answers. I know with my situation there aren't a lot of YES and NO answers about the future, but sheesh, throw me a bone. My Dad went with me to the appointment and asked "Is she progressing?"
And the response was "Well, there was a lot more cancer in there than I would like to have seen."
hmmmmm.
Uh, NOT promising. And that's definitely not a "YES" in any way, shape or form.

Blah.

Though I hope to get in on a clinical study that will make me lose my hair instead of gain weight dammit. I will be totally honest: I wanted to lose my hair. There, I said it. But I didn't want to be chubby AND bald so I guess that was a blessing in disguise. Maybe this time..... and I'll get a Tat on my noggin. Mom and Dad will love it.

2 days...

So I've kind of put together a fundraiser that happens Sunday... wishing I was more organized. It's a Wheelchair Basketball game. I thought I'd have more people to play- but at least I have 6 players. 2 at the last minute. I have NO idea how many will actually show up to watch... hoping I at least make a LITTLE bit of money for the Relay for Life. or I'll end up broke. At least I'll have a slew of hot dogs to make me feel better if that happens. blech! So much for that healthy diet- har har.

I still have zero energy. It is a task to just get out of bed or to avoid getting back in it when I've done what needs doing.
I want energy but............. nothing. Maybe tomorrow.

And I still miss my dog. :(

I'm back

Let me start by saying everything is fine- no complications since I got home, I just don't have internet access at the new house and I haven't been able to drive (drugs) and I really have just wanted to sleep.
I can't update from my phone (which is on the fritz).
So since I got home, I've felt a little better every day. Not great. But a little better. Still down about the crap results at the surgery. I can't say I'm excited at all about the idea of more chemo. Pisses me off.
So when I got home- my dog Whirlie Girl was still limping around due to her broken leg. I had my cousin who used to be a vet tech come a re-wrap her leg. Over the week after that evidently she got an infection. I couldn't tell what was wrong, plus there was so much to catch up on. By Saturday the smell in the basement was unbareable... I didn't realize a wound could SMELL like that. Because where she broke her leg was fine, it was below it where the infection set in. We took her to the E-Vet and the doc said she was probably too old for surgery and wouldn't do well as a tripod missing a front leg. Plus, the infection had probably already spread and she probably had something more going on for the infection to go that fast. We decided to put her down... you could tell she was in a LOT of pain. It sucked... she was a good dog, my first baby.


RIP Whirlie Girl- You were a good dog.


So I wait a little longer for my luck to turn around. I can still count the blessings I DO have... 2 beautiful, healthy girls to keep me going.

Still Sore

Talked to the doc again today. Looks like I'll be heading home tomorrow if nothing sets me back. My insides got with the program tonight- had some Wendy's fries and watched Project Runway. It's been a good night.
I miss my girls terribly. I got some coloring book pages in the mail that Iris had done for me. Made me smile.
The doc says the chemo worked a bit but there is "still plenty of tumor in there that needs to go." So while the surgery went well- there is concern that the chemo isn't working fast enough to beat the cancer. It's working, but not fast enough. Doc said we may do another IPHP surgery in 6 months. whee.
I'm going to meet with the Oncologist here in Columbus about clinical trials, chemo and whatever else can be done. I had hoped to be finished with this crap for just a bit, but no joy. I guess I'll have to prove my endurance now. I'm gonna try to adopt a healthier diet and exercise when I recover- even if I'll just get knocked on my ass again soon. I gotta buckle down and commit and stick to it. Dammit.

But for now I say happy day that I will soon be home with my girlies.

New day.

The swelling lip finished it's reign. It's still puffy- but not like it was last night. I got some sleep actually. Bed around 1-ish and then woke up by rounding student doctors. They don't bother to knock, they just flip the light on as they come in. rude.
I'm very sore today, I think it's from the walking I did yesterday, hopefully the pain meds take care of it. I've been upped to thicker solids to get my GI tract with the program. I don't want to rush it- but I don't want to sit here for days on end either. So I'm chuggin' an Ensure right now... not bad. Tastes like pumped up Ovaltine.
I am looking forward to going home and hanging with the girls, sleeping, and getting stuff together for the Relay for Life. In that order.

LOL

Really! I'm seriously going to just laugh this one off. One side of my bottom lip just started swelling out of the blue. The swelling is making it's way around my lip. It's to the middle right about now.


Maybe I'll look like Angelina Jolie by morning. Oh- and I need to pluck my eyebrows... badly.
I DID want to say I didn't get an NG tube this time.. don't really know why. Hasn't been a problem though. Even better- so that's the silver lining.

A little better

And I mean that in the most miniscule way. The morphine wasn't cutting it so they upped me to dilaudid? Sleeping is near impossible. My back is killing me- my stomach is killing me and I'm stiff all over.
Now, for the details... They wouldn't do the hysterectomy because priority #1 was to treat the cancer I DO have.
Supposedly Dr Arnold removed 'numerous' pea sized nodules from my abdominal wall and my stomach. My other organs look good but he said it's more cancer than he'd have liked to see. I guess more chemo is in store for me... dammit. I guess I am also a candidate for esome clinical trials. bring 'em on.

Well, I am dreadfully exhausted so I'm signing off for now. More later.

I used the best title for this post a while back.

I am in Columbus tonight- the night before "Go" Day. Today was a mess. I was doing laundry at the new house... we evidently have a clog somewhere. The downstairs was flooded after 2 loads of laundry.
THEN, as that got cleaned up- the husband was taking the dogs out and evidently one sat on the other's leg and probably broke it. This all just before I left the house for Columbus. Because you know I needed a few more things on my plate. Guess it's a good thing I won't be home to go shopping for groceries.

Anxious about tomorrow. Thinking about that damnedable NG tube.

Could be worse... could be raining.

Ramblin' on

Hmm. Where to start?
Well- first things first: We slept in the new house for the first time last night. I was exhausted but didn't sleep well at all. Racing mind and aching body. Bad combo for sleeping.
Once we actually got the girls to bed, they slept well. Iris LOVES the new house but said she missed the old one. Vera keeps wandering up and down the hall... looking around. I think she digs it too.
Gotta pack for the hospital stay. I leave Sunday to spend the night in Columbus so I can be there fresh and ready for Monday morning.
So I unpack for the new house to pack again for a hospital stay. I'll have to remember my bath and body works cucumber melon shower gel and lotion. The nurses on my recovery floor told me that they liked coming into my room because it smelled good. So maybe I got better service for it. :)
I loathe packing for hospital stays. I want to change every day- MY OWN clothes. I HATE hospital gowns. I also hate the idea of not being able to wash my damn hair for days. Packing 'do-rags.
Admittedly, I'm not looking forward to the next week. Second HIPEC (or IPHP) surgery and hysterectomy. I would just rather be in a drugged up haze so I don't remember it. I will miss the girls TERRIBLY. I don't know that anyone will bring them up to see me.
As far as work... well... someone is sitting in for me while I'm gone. I probably won't even have a job when all is said and done.
It's funny. I got diagnosed with cancer, had 2 surgeries and someone held a benefit for me... (Mind you- I've been at my job for almost 9 years now) No one called to see how I was doing and nevermind sending flowers at any time. And I saw ONE co worker at the benefit.
It is kinda sad. I got cards and well wishes from total strangers- but hardly a peep from the people I see 5 days a week. I must've worn out my welcome.
No matter. I found out who my friends are.

pfffffffffft!

So my sister and mom are going up to the hospital with me. I had my husband take yesterday and today off to move rather than Monday and Tuesday to be at the hospital with me. I'd rather him be home with the girls for some consistency at the new house. The first 2 days of surgery and recovery are a blur anyway.
i'm thinking I can talk my little brother into letting me have his laptop for the week so I can catch up on Project Runway and Lost and watch some movies and blog a bit. Some communication with the outside world does me good in the middle of the night between doses. :)

Stay tuned.

More good news.

I say that with every ounce of sarcasm I have in me. I got a call from the nurse yesterday tell me that I have a 2(ish)cm cyst on my thyroid but that TSH levels were fine. In the meantime- I am itchy, FAT, tired and have probably the nastiest dry skin I can imagine. hmmm.

I have also discovered that I am slowly breaking down. I think if I didn't have my girls that I would just have to throw in the towel. I don't know how much more bad news I can take and deal with.
It's not just the cyst. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I am not the mother I should be- I catch myself losing my cool too easily. I TRY- and in the back of my head I wish my husband would CALMLY take over and give me a break and maybe at least play 'good guy' but he doesn't. If he sees me getting upset- he gets mad too- which, in turn, puts me on the deffensive for the girls- because I can't stand to see someone get cross with them- even if it's him. They're my babies. So there is a constant frustration in me that will manifest in tears given the slightest opportunity.
I hate that I am on anti-anxiety medicine because of how HE makes me feel- not because of how the CANCER makes me feel. I'm frustrated at work because I feel worthless and know that there are at LEAST 2 people here that have discussed just how 'not useful' I am. I am a talker- that's why I got into radio, but I am afraid to talk anymore for fear that I'll say something stupid and be looked down upon. So my air time consists of "Yeah", "Ha ha" and "Awww." Riveting- right? There was a time here that I was gung ho about making these stations work great and I would do whatever was asked of me. I realized I was the only one. It wasn't working- so I joined the "I don't give a shit" club. But for some reason 'I' am the only one who gets the attention for it.
So I guess the happy pills are for work too.
I wish I could just whisk my girls away to the beautiful hills of Tuscany and live a semi-modern but simple life... cancer free, worry free, work free, financial troubles free.


I'm pissed at life right now.

Aching

I spent the weekend painting and it's still not done. I want to give a HUGE thanks to Sarah, Tina and Brenda for coming out of the blue to help- you gals kick ass! And thanks to my Dad for, uh, well, where do I start?!?! Thanks to my mother in law for working so hard, my mom for putting my kitchen in order, my stepdad for getting the laundry room taken care of, my little brothers Sean and Luke for the help and Luke's friend, Troy for all the hard work.
I am hell-bent on being in the new house by Friday night. I would like to at least spend 2 nights there with the girls before I'm whisked away to Columbus to have my next surgery. I will likely be there for at least a week. Yee-Haw! Before then I also have to go to work, get bills taken care of, get arrangements for sponsors and donations for the Relay For Life Team, get advertising taken care of for the fundraising wheelchair basketball game, get my disability insurance check on track and a thousand other things I'm sure.
My BIGGEST worry right now is my 3-1/2 year old. She's been acting up a bit lately. She's had a tantrum at least once a day for the last 4 days. I think the stresses that I'm dealing with are starting to take a toll on her. (Hang in there Iris- it will get better. I promise.) Night time is especially hard. I wish I could lay there with her and sleep next to her every night... I wish I could have both girls in bed with me every night- but let's be honest: I would never get any sleep with all the commotion.
It's such a transitional period right now- with the new house and emotionally. I've got to get used to constantly worrying about the cancer coming back, I have to get used to different prominent people in my life and get used to ones who were there not being there so much. My mind wanders and wishes and wants (and whines). You know what they say..."You can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which gets filled first." Such is life. I can only get that which I have control of... and I've found that I have control over VERY little.

I am busy...

But not too busy to blog I guess. :)

We closed on the house yesterday. So now the real stress begins: Selling our current house, painting the new one, then moving stuff, then painting the inside of the old house and MAKING someone buy it before we lose our shirts.

In the meantime- I have an ultrasound on my thyroid today (my doc said it looked swollen) could be nothing, could be hypothyroidism, could be... yep.. cancer. LOL- by this time next year I think the doc will say "Hmm, it looks like you've got a little Rachel in your cancer." har har.
HOWEVER: If it's hypothyroidism- it would explain why I'm still ridiculously tired all the time and FAT.
Whatev.
I digress.

Tonight I head to Columbus with my sister for her surgery. I guess her status is common knowledge now and I can talk about it since she told her co-workers and that even our old high school band director knows about it. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer in January. She has lynch syndrome too. Dunno if the 2 are related but Lynch is a son-of-a-bitch and is related to things adeno. That's the type of cervical cancer hers is- NOT related to HPV. Her type is rare too, accounting for about 5% of cervical cancer cases.
Like I said before- It's been a Stellar Year for the girls in my family. My cancer in May, My little sister's Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis (and near coma just before that) in August and then Micki's diagnosis. Needless to say, My Mom is TRYING to hold it together. I think she's doing better at it than I expected her to. Probably better than I would I'm sure. I'd be a mental wreck worrying about my girls.

So, we have P.L.E.N.T.Y. of 'walks' to participate in this summer... like Relay for Life for Micki and I. I came up with a witty name for the team "Sorelle Di Lotta" which means something to the effect of "Fighting Sisters" though I don't speak Italian- I took a risk. (SOMEONE will tell me it's all wrong... LOL) and NO, I'm not above soliciting donations- even here on my CANCER page. So- if you'd like to make a donation, it's WAY easy, just follow this link and the directions. Voila!

Rachel's Relay

Blah- if the link doesn't work- copy and paste this:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY10OH?px=14179342&pg=personal&fr_id=23669

The link goes straight to my donation page so you shouldn't have to search for me. Every little bit helps reach my goal. Thanks in advance to anyone who gives. :)

Relay for Life is just the first walk to come up this year, then the Diabetes Walk and the Alzheimer's Walk this fall... but I will also be joining the March Of Dimes Walk. Gotta stay busy- and walking is good for ya, right?

Is there a hypothyroidism walk????


Cancer eats my shorts..... LOL for a Colon Cancer patient...

Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse...

I get comments of "I don't know how you do it." I "do" it only how I can think to. No, not every day is a blast- and I have breakdowns and fits and all that other stuff you'd expect when basically every waking minute you know you've got cancer and that some huge clock with your name on it somewhere is ticking.
It's a heavy burden, but if you swim in it until your fingers get all pruny- you're not doing yourself any favors. I get mad that I got cancer at 33 (or at 23 if you look at when the tumor started developing) but I've had 34 good years now and I expect more. I really think the end of me would be to see one of my daughters go through something even remotely similar to what I'm going through. I'm reading a blog right now that is about as bad as I could imagine. http://www.laylagrace.org/

I really need to stay up on these things because for me- it puts everything in perspective: So Friggin what if we don't have money for Disneyland? I have my healthy kids... Big deal if someone spills popcorn on the floor, IT'S A FLOOR- It's washable! No problem when Vera wakes in the middle of the night for the ump-teenth time- She'll grow out of it, and it's another reason to cuddle her while she dozes off again. Snuggle "just 5 more minutes" (one of Iris's favorite sayings to get you to draw things out) with Iris after you read her the last book of the night... before long, she won't WANT you to read her a book at all!

Though it's kind of a double whammy. If I were 100% healthy- Little Layla Grayce's story would still wreck me. Knowing my time with my kids is limited- What unnerves me even more- the idea that my girls may endure something like what I'm going through... and won't have their mommy there for them.

Cancer Can Suck It.

**Sleep in peace little Layla. A flock of Angels sing you to your rest.**

Waiting some more.

Well, we have to wait until Tuesday to close on the house. Evidently Fannie Mae (who wanted us to close by March 5th) isn't ready yet. Figures. Though I don't know what the problem could be- they're not doing anything other than collecting my money.
I wanted to get started on the cleaning and painting this weekend because time is ticking away before my surgery- I won't be too useful for a while after that.
We did take the 'final walkthru' yesterday. My mom and sister came with. They hadn't seen the inside. I got their thumbs up on the place.

I met a doctor on Weds that is super nice. He wants to do my hysterectomy when I get my chemo surgery (shake and bake). Dr Arnold said he could do it, but seemed hesitant. Dr O'Malley is a gyn oncologist- and said that since I have Lynch Syndrome and since I'm good with the idea and actually pushing for it, he'd do it for me. He actually offered to do it. I didn't ask.
Supposedly Lynch Syndrome is an area of study at OSUMC. Very cool- now find a cure for my cancer. :)

The 'Word'

What's the Word?

My grandpa used to ask me that. Now no one does. At least they don't word it as such. I like asking that though, most people don't know how to reply.

As of right now- I've got the people in Marietta on my side for the total hysterectomy (yay?) so they're talking to my surgeon to see if it can happen with the IPHP. But the issue is: If I get that done- I will no longer make estrogen. Which may mean growing a moustache and my voice deepening... in addition to the hot flashes, osteoperosis and so on.
I COULD go on estrogen pills- but since there is a history of breast cancer in my family, they don't want to do that. I insist that I'd rather do the estrogen and get mammograms every year than NOT have estrogen.
My Grandmother is Italian... I already have to worry about a little darkness on my upper lip- I don't want to be rockin' a fu-manchu (or however you spell it) at any point in life.

Oh well.

On another note... we're closing on the house on Friday. Lots of work to do- lots of money to be spent in the next month. eeesh.

It will be worth it. I just think of all the room and openness of the new house. I'm feeling cramped in the old house. PLUS- instead of the whole house waking to Vera's little cries- the girls will be in seperate rooms! Ahhhh. A good night's sleep for SOMEBODY!

Surgery is still on for March 22nd. Bring it!

Tat's AMAZING!

Well, maybe not AMAZING, but I got it anyway! I'd been itching for another tattoo to celebrate the end of chemo. I've got one on file (for when I've got the $$) that's of an iris and a Christmas star. For Iris and Vera (Vera means 'light' and she's my December baby). I also have plans on a 'bracelet' tat with the girls' names.

I'm sure there are some reading this who don't like tats but I DO and I feel like there's so much being done to my body that I don't really have a choice about- so I though I'd get something done that I actually LIKE.

So here is a picture of the tat. Freshly done. (and with salve on it.. aaaah.)

Thank you Sir, May I have another?

Got my pap (sorry fellas) results yesterday. Squamous cells, abnormal results. Good times. I'm just going to start collecting different colored ribbons.
Though in a way, I'm glad it was abnormal because now I believe Dr. Arnold will be removing my baby factory equipment. After that point, I won't have to plan on getting the ribbons for endometrial, ovarian and uterine cancers. Whee!
Though it seems that every time I go to a different doc- I've got some neat suprise. I have a mammogram next week. Can't wait to see what will come of that. And I'll have to have them every year or so. SQUISH!

I also thought I'd get a Colon Cancer star ribbon tattoo...



I just MIGHT do that today. I thought the back of my neck would be alright, then I can get a different colored star for each different cancer I get underneath that. I would just have a string of stars down my spine by the time I'm 40.

I'm in a funky mood today. Right now is just limbo. Waiting on my mammogram appointment, waiting on Dr. Arnold's decision, Waiting on the nurse's line at my OBGYN's office to call me back, waiting on surgery, waiting on the underwriter to approve my home loan so I can actually get the house, waiting on my sister to go totally ape crap on my mom and aunt because of things they said, trying to plan a fundraiser for Relay for Life and waiting on other's decisions about location, waiting on Saturday so I can go get totally polluted with one of my best friends to forget about all the shit I'm waiting on.

Waiting sucks... but not as much as EFFIN' Cancer.

WTH?

Why is my page suddenly "off" ??? I can't seem to fix it either. grrr

And so

Took me 4 hours to make the 2 hour trip to Columbus- Evidently a car wreck was to blame. So I got to my CAT scan appointment 1:45 minutes late- but they got me in fast, then I headed to my Dr's office right after. The CAT scan evidently wasn't ready to be read (?)

IPHP Surgery is scheduled for March 22nd. I asked about a hysterectomy while having the IP but Dr Arnold is hesitant about it. Mostly because I'm only 34... but really- Having Lynch Syndrome predisposes you to Ovarian, Endometrial and Uterine Cancers. I think I have a 40% chance of getting Ovarian Cancer within my life so just take them out. Gut me like a fish. I have already come to terms with the fact that I won't be having any more children- whether I have "Mommy Equipment" or not. Of course if something DID come up- I would welcome another baby, but our plate is full right now and I'm thrilled to have 2 super great girlies at home and I want to enjoy them while I can. He said if I have an abnormal pap- he'll do the hysterectomy.

I talked to Dr Arnold's office yesterday about the CT scan results. Not GREAT, but not horrible though I guess. All is "Stable" but there is still "Residual" fluid in my abdomen and pelvis. Meaning mucous. Stuff the tumor produced and didn't get eliminated with the first Chemo surgery. So if they hadn't planned to do the second suregery before, they would definitely be doing it now. Whatever.
I went to my Gyno yesterday for the yearly "deed" and getting a mammogram on Feb 23. I have a weird feeling something will show up on that one. I think it's because even when I was 19- I thought I'd die one of 2 ways: Drowning or from Breast Cancer. hmmm. Hopefully if it's either, I will be OOOOLLLDDDD and grey.

That didn't last long.

I wish I was talking about the chemo side effects... but sadly, no, I'm not. My beautiful-but fragile- fingernails have disappeared.
Damn nerves. It's amazing what one evening can do to your hands. Arrgh! I guess there's no sense in crying about it. I can try again.

Not much to tell today except that it's a new week- CAT scan and Dr's appointment tomorrow... I'll have something to tell then. Good, Bad or Ugly. You all will be one of the "Next to know" simply because I can't update this blog from my phone. I will probably be blabbing away on the way home from Columbus to whoever is available to talk. Which, come to think of it, won't be too many people since most will be at work. Hmm.

Maybe Ill just stay in Columbus and talk to some random stranger.

....And it hits me

I KNEW it! The simple act of just waking up this morning sucked. Sweaty and having to juggle a fannypack and the tubes and the gauze on my chest not getting crap wet while I shower. Then the snots flow freely and I'm hacking and nauseous. Pain in the ass. At least THIS THING comes off today.

Only about 3 more hours... I think.

My throat is tight, my fingers are numb, my intestines are unruly and my hands are shaking like a crackhead's. Good times.

And to think.... amongst all this: I have managed to stop biting my fingernails. Dunno how I did it. Maybe I just forgot to.

I'm hoping I have the energy to keep up with the girls tonite since they've spent the last 2 nights with my Mother In Law... I feel like an ass for being childless just to sleep, but I think I needed it. Actually- I could easily go back to sleep right now.

I'm feeling a bit weepy today- I think it has to do with the watery eyes I get from the Flourauricil (or however the hell you spell it) that I carry around in this damn fannypack. Like seasonal allergies. So it's like I'm already halfway to crying, so my body and mind just figure I'm supposed to go full blown crying. Just what about? Cancer? Stress? Tiredness? Money? Being a bad Mom? Shit. Pick one or all.

I haven't CRIED today. But the day is young. I'm sure I will muster up the waterworks over SOMETHING!

SO LONG FANNYPACK!!! I might just cry with joy!

I'm feeling okay today. Nausea is at full blast, cold sensitivity sucks, but it could be worse. Spirits are up a bit. Still dreading the inevitable low that will likely come tomorrow.

I've got an appointment in Columbus in a week for a CT scan and an appointment with my surgeon to talk about surgery plans. I think I'm becoming okay with the idea of getting a total hysterectomy when I get my IPHP just to get it out of the way. It's sad that the mere idea of having another child won't even be an option, but I am 98% sure that we won't be having more children. I want to be able to give the children I have all the attention that I can. Though I had considered having a third right after having Vera, I want to be able to spend whatever time I've got with them living it to the max. Not that I wouldn't have love or time for a third, but you know what I mean.

I think I've got enough on my plate for now.

Got lotsa sleep in the last 24 hours... then back to work tomorrow... then listing my house and gathering loan paperwork and all that jazz. Hectic, but it will all be worth it once all is said and done. Hooray!

I do have a worry that I can't disclose just yet. Not about me, it worries me more than that. More stress in a different dimension. Sucks. I am a talker- I am an open book and it's hard to know what to do for someone who isn't like me because I can't wrap my head around the idea of not talking about things that worry you. :(

So, other than the obvious and the undiscloseable, I'm doing alright.

Cancer sucks.

I'm not calling it done just yet.

So Round 12 of 12 today. Though I've got the fannypack and a tube going into my chest I'm not officially done with chemo until this thing comes off around noon-ish on Wednesday. I FEEL okay right now. A bit of nasty fatigue, nausea and numb fingers are the worst of it at the moment. But I am prepping myself for the peak that usually happens around Wednesday/Thursday.
THEN I SO look forward to this month-and especially March 5th since The husband and I are closing on a house then! Most likely the week after, I will be undergoing the second of 2 IPHP chemo surgeries. Score for me- I won't be able to lift boxes or heavy furniture... so I guess I will just have to supervise. hee hee. I'm so stoked to get moved and get the girls in a proper house. it will definitely be a stretch to make 2 house payments until we sell the old one- but we'll tighten the belt and do it. There's always a way. It will also be nice to know the girls will be comfortable- in REAL rooms with REAL doors... and the dogs will probably be very happy to have a refuge from the girls when they get too crazy. :) When we get moved- I will post pictures... We may not be going to Disney World but we can make our own fun no problem where we'll be. So many possibilities!! The stress from making 2 house payments will be worth the weight of "I have to get the girls a better place to live." lifted off my shoulders.

Happy Today.

Horizons

Well, it's the last week before my last treatment. And a whole new angst has set in. In the midst of IV chemo treatments, it's easy to just think of (and dread) the upcoming # of rounds. Now, I wonder if all this has been effective or is a CT scan just gonna show that it did nothing. Hoping that scans are clear and that since my skin, teeth, gums, sanity, nerves, tastebuds, digestive system, mothering skills, wife skills, temper and emotions all suffered over the last 7 months- that those stupid cancer cells suffered more. DIE! DIE! DIE! Cancer Cells!!!!!!!!
I am not looking forward to the IPHP surgery but it's gotta be done, and I'll be on the other side of it soon enough. It's usually just a cloud when I'm in hospital. I'll be happy to have a room to myself if I can get one (gonna see what I can swing- since the nursing staff seemed to like me alright) and I'm hoping to have a laptop so I won't be TOTALLY bored in the middle of the night and I can blog away. Should be interesting- drugged up thoughts.

In the meantime, as a Public Service, I thought I'd mention a little tip for others with chemo side effects. I've found that drinking out of glass or plastic is MUCH better than any kind of metal. I had bought a metal water bottle with the intentions of drinking lotsa water... to me, it's simply foul out of that. And what sucks even more is that I don't know that I'll even use the bottle again even after side effects fade- it's more mental now. Guess I'll give it away or something.
Just recently- my gums have been sore/sensitive... and I know it's from the chemo, I just thought I'd escape THAT particular side effect. No such luck. It HURTS to brush my teeth, so I got an extra soft toothbrush. And to add to that- minty toothpaste kinda burns with the cold sensitivity- so I got smart and just started using my 3 year old's Dora Bubblegum flavored toothpaste. Voila! Better! Just a couple of 'solutions' if you will, for my problems. Maybe they'll work for you. Hopefully you don't even have to deal with stuff like that.

SO Close!

As I approach the final round of chemo, it would be an understatement to say it will be a relief to be done with it. I was actually proud of myself for the past couple of days for not getting all weepy and emotional- focusing on the home searching/buying process... looking forward. Though that, in itself, can be depressing too. I look at the house and wonder if I'll be there to send my girls down the steps to the front door in their prom dresses... in their caps and gowns... or to help them pack up a car for college.
I try, for now, to focus on the now. But honestly- NOW- is hard too. I wonder if that will ever go away. Will I ever NOT wonder what I won't be here for? Once you hear "You've got Stage 4 Cancer and it's not cureable." You wither a bit. Oh yeah, you can be strong.... for stretches but it's virtually impossible to be Richard Simmons level of optimistic. :) (though I love him!)
I think what breaks me down the most isn't the idea of dying... I mean, everybody's THOUGHT about it at one point I'm sure, but it's a different twist when it's more of a reality. You want to get your affairs in order and make sure those you trust will follow through with your wishes. It's that I won't be around for all that I should be. I guess it's like not wanting to go to bed at night when you're a kid- you're SO afraid you're gonna miss something great!
Normally I'm a procrastinator- but I don't know that I have the luxury of time anymore. All research suggests that what I've got has an 18%-28% survival rate at 5 years after diagnosis... and I'm almost 1 year down already. Gotta be real. Not that I plan on just signing out at the 5 year mark, but let's be honest with ourselves.... anything past that mark is a gift. Tick-Tock.
So to put a spin on this less than sunny post- I sit here with the best of nausea, fatigue, stomach cramps, numb/sensitive fingers and allergy/watery eyes, but I know there is a good reason I'm putting up with these side effects. Eyes on the prize- and that prize is being able to be with my family and friends for as long as possible.
Plus, your lives would be so boring without me. I gotta keep you entertained. :)

Round 11.

No problems yeserday. Feeling tired and nauseous and the cold sensitivity is back- full blast. Oh well- one to go. One to go.
Feeling okay mentally. I hope it holds this time. I hate being weepy. blah.
Jason actually went with me yesterday. It was the first time he'd even seent he inside of the Strecker Center. I'm sure he was bored- there's not much to do but watch your loved one get pumped full of drugs. He brought plenty of books.
After all this is said and done, I get another CT scan (and will get one every 3 months for 2 yrs then every 6 months after that for the rest of my life.) and surgery and surgery and surgery. Could be worse I guess. I could just simply NOT be here to get the surgeries right?
Silver lining... siiiiilver lining.

WTF?!?!

You know, my medical situation is so 'effed up that even labs can't figure it out. There's signs that I have Lynch Syndrome which predisposes you to all kinds of fabulous cancers. (it only leaves out a couple) But the lab where they sent my blood sample couldn't get ANYTHING from my tests. INCONCLUSIVE. The dude from the lab called the Strecker (where I get my chemo and such) almost in tears because he's "Never seen anything like this before." (I've mentioned this in a WAY earlier post) Dr. Arnold said it may not be heriditary because there were no polyps anywhere else in my colon (TMI?) and if it IS heriditary- he's gonna just remove my entire colon. Guess that's probably just around the corner. Along with a total hysterectomy. not like I'm gonna use THOSE parts again.

Then there's the matter of what type of cancer this actually IS. I was told colon cancer in the beginning, then appendiceal cancer, then they're just calling it mucinious adenocarcinoma of the colon. All are on my paperwork at different points- because they can't figure me out.
I never really did ANY research on Lynch Syndrome when they said something about a DNA mutation. It never occured to me to do so. But as of lately, I've been researching a bit. And it's not good. It makes me cry to think I've probably passed this onto my girls and it pisses me off to think I'm gonna be battling this shit until one of us wins. What a mess.

Thinking Of Others

I am so glad I found this Blogosphere- It's allowed me to connect with others diagnosed with rare cancers... specifically appendix cancer. While I live in the Chemical Valley, I haven't been able to connect with someone in a relative situation to mine 'in person'.
But HERE- I've found (or others have found me) others in different stages, different treatment stages, of similar cancers and we are learning tools for each other. I found HOPE in a blog from someone with exactly the type and stage cancer I have, (http://appendix-cancer.blogspot.com/) after looking at the 'numbers' and seeing that making it 5 years past my diagnosis date would be next to a miracle- her blog and informative page made me think 'I can BEAT this and be another success story'.
I've also connected with others diagnosed mere months after me. Cheryl (http://appendix-cancer-sucks.blogspot.com/) found me only a few weeks after I started this blog- and recently Sheboygan Dan (http://www.oncoloblogy.com/) found me. Though I don't know ALL the specifics of others' situations, we exchange positive thoughts and sympathetic 'ears' when feeling like, well, poop.
I was thinking of Dan in particular today- he had the IPHP/HIPEC/Shake and Bake surgery on Friday and I'm keeping up with his updates. His family has been nice enough to update when he can't... he's busy healing!! I totally feel for him because I've been there (ugh and will be again) with the surgery at least. I was glad to be able to at least give him a little insight into what it would be like. Not knowing what to expect is probably one of the worst feelings to have- and to have that worry on top of the worries you already have when you've got cancer just sucks on toast. I'm hoping he has a speedy recovery and can update his blog soon. I thoroughly enjoy reading his posts!
Of course this is not meant to diminish anyone who has posted words of inspirtation or understanding- or anyone who simply reads this blog.
I was talking to my mother in law the other day- when I was feeling so low (Tunnel's End post) she suggested I find a support group for cancer patients/survivors. Though I'm SURE it's good for others- I just can't see myself doing well with a sit-down support group. I think I'd be a blubbery mess. And I DON'T like being like that. I mean, it's good to sit and vent but it would be me, me, me... waahhhh. I'm just not crazy about the idea. This blog is my support group. I get what I need to get off my chest and I don't actually MAKE anyone read this so no one is subjected to my rantings... they (you) read because you WANT to. And that fact does wonders for the self-esteem. So I thank you!

A better day....

So, I gave up the funk. What a difference a day makes.

I still feel like hammered dog poo, but the attitude is shifting. Like it always does on day five after chemo. If you notice my whiny posts are almost always between day 2-4 after a treatment. So effed up that drugs can do that. When I was in high school- the word "drugs" kinda meant something fun. Not now. I could be TOTALLY happy if I never had to even take a friggin' tylenol again. I punched out one of my pills today and literally heaved at the idea of taking it. Of course, I wretch at almost anything these days. My mouth tastes SO much like chemo- I think I could chew it. Yum! And not to mention that my breath probably smells like a chemistry lab.
There's simply NOT enough Orbit gum in the world.
Though I can see the next "Dirty Mouth?" commercial featuring - ME! Picture it: Sitting in the chemo chair, getting pumped full of all kinds of chemicals, then munching (you know, I'm throwing up in my mouth a little just typing this) on the "lunch" they bring you... nastyness... then smiling with a green cloud oozing from the corner of my mouth.
Then the perky little lady shows up. Ching! I make a Mint off the royalties. Right.

Tunnel's End

Why is it when you're on a trip and have to pee, it gets more urgent the closer you get to home? Like you couldn't POSSIBLY hold it for another second? Well, my friends, I have to pee and I don't know that I can hold it anymore.

Reality: This Chemo is frustrating, painful, exhausting, infuriating and depressing and though I only have 2 more rounds to go, I wonder how much more I can tolerate. Of course I will finish the treatments and deal with it- but I can't help but think part of me is fading away. I can't pinpoint which part- but I am not the same person I was a year ago. I'd like to say I'm a stronger person, but I doubt that's true. I'm sick of being weepy, sad, manic-depressive. And I wouldn't blame anyone around me for avoiding me at all costs. Hell, I hate putting up with myself when I'm like this. It seems like something is chipping away at the person I was. I wouldn't have a problem with it if I didn't like myself before. But I DID! I spent 33 years perfecting my "Rachel-ness" dammit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means- I was just happy with who I was.

I am sincerely hoping that all this is temporary and with time I can be me again. It just can't happen soon enough.

Round 10 of 12

Yesterday went well! Only 2 more rounds to go... hopefully forever, but I won't hold my breath. instead of a 45 minute infusion (I think that's how long it normally was) the oxcilliaplatin infusion was more like 3 hours to avoid another allergic incident. I got a little red on the cheeks and chin and got an anxious feeling, like couldn't stop moving my legs- weird. I got a little "grey" too but it all passed. Rockin' the Fannypack today though. barf.

I was SO happy to have company- Amber came with me for treatment- I thought I'd bring someone along to bear witness in case I went into anaphalyctic shock again. You can't yell when your throat is closed off. LOL. cough,cough.

It was nice to have someone to talk to the whole time. I have text/phone chemo buddies, but face-to face time is great!

Today, I'm feeling the effects of the Oxcilla; Twitchy and feeling stupid. Crossing my fingers that I don't say something stupid on the air.... though that could increase the listening audience. hmmm. Rating, ratings. The cold sensitivity is back with a vengance- suck. I hate wearing gloves inside.

I also didn't feel like messing with washing my hair and getting the bandage on my chest wet so I am wearing a knit cap- one that was made by a volunteer and donated to the Strecker Center's Christmas tree of knit cap presents. Normally- I wouldn't take one, but there were so many and it was 3 days to Christmas. The lime green one jumped out at me. See my lazyness? Oh- and notice how watery and red my eyes are? No, that's not "Dreamy-eyed" That's allergies.... allergies I NEVER had before. ugh. 2 more rounds, 2 more rounds.

After the chemo is over, I will be scheduling my second IPHP / HIPEC /Shake and Bake surgery... whatever it's called depending on who you talk to. With THAT we will know if the last 6 months of chemo actually did any good. I hope, I hope. At least that's what my necklace says.

More later folks! Take it easy!

Post Holiday hub-bub.

I'm sick. Aside from the obvious, I've been fighting a nasty crud that comes and goes. I'm really tired of popping pills and taking care of myself- can someone else wipe my butt for a day or two?

I kid. I think.

So I picked up yet another prescription tonight. This one is only five days. Yay! Hoping it will make me all better, maybe amoxocillin cures cancer. har har.

The holidays went well for the most part- I was happy to see Iris' beaming face when she opened her present from Santa. Though as soon as I turned on the camera to record her opening the first present, she smiled sweetly and said "Happy New Year!" LOL.
Christmas Morning was short-lived at the house because Vera kept throwing up. I was covered in puke by 7:30am. Poor Iris had to wait until Vera and I were cleaned up to open her presents. She was very gracious about it (as long as we put Care Bears on for her while she waited). We ended up taking Vera to the ER because I think she threw up 7 or 8 times. She was very 'flat', not herself and it freaked me out a little. 7 months ago I was in that same ER with vomiting, nausea and dehydration. We all know what came of that. (and If you don't- check the title of the blog) Turns out she had some kind of 24 hour bug and an ear infection. She felt much better by the end of the visit. From my perspective- an ER visit that only results in a prescription is a good one. Though I guess Vera had already spread it to my mother and her family (they're probably vomiting while I write this) during the 30 minutes we were at her house. I think I did wear myself out a bit over the holidays- though I don't FEEL like I really did much. Just running around from house to house to ER to house to house. hmmm.
Well, By Sunday Iris had caught the bug and she and I spent most of the day in bed. If she hadn't been tossing cookies it would have been awesome just being lazy with her. She recovered by evening and was back to HER old self by this morning.
I, on the other hand, didn't get the "pukeys" as Iris calls them, but the sinus, throat crud I've been fighting for weeks continues to drag me down.
I don't think it's even contagious because no one is snotty. The girls WERE a while back- maybe they caught it and beat it and I remain fighting because of the chemo. Who the hell knows?
I did get a bit of a break today (feel horrible saying that because that meant outsourcing my childcare to my mother in law and my sister) and slept for 4 hours. Straight. And I don't foresee having any problem getting to sleep tonight as long as the girls let me.

I'm a little nervous about the next chemo, I'm gonna have to load up on antihistamines the day before since I will be getting the dreaded Oxycilliaplatin. And my bud, Amber will be there to witness the train wreck that may come about. Maybe I should give her medical power of attorney beforehand. I'm HALF kidding.

Well, there it is. Hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine didn't go perfect- but there's a certain beauty to that.
Take care all!

I'm just here for the food.

So evidently if you're doing WELL on chemo- you GAIN weight. Yay me? I really thought (and hoped) my fat ass would shrink with a little chemo assistance. No joy. I will not give REAL numbers, but it's a lot. So in the last year and a few days- here's what my weight has done. I was at my highest weight in a while (due to being PREGNANT) in December of last year. From that point I lost 32 pounds (yay)then spent the month of May NOT eating while getting sick, diagnosed and having surgery- dropped another 20. (that's not the right way to lose weight I know) Then as soon as I could eat again- I gained 15 back over a couple of months. THEN I started Chemo. I have now gained 18 pounds from THAT point.When I got on the scales yesterday I wanted to cry.... Okay- I DID cry. Though I know I'm weepier now than I've ever been in my life, and I never know what will set it off. I sat in the exam room for 30 minutes waiting on the Doc... crying. Blah. Not like blubbery crying, but just leaky eyes. Wahh me. Looking at that HUGE number, it just snowballed. I am to blame for the weight gain. My mouth constantly tastes like chemo and I try to chew gum, but I hate doing it when I am one molar lighter because of a screwup by my orthodontist 16 years ago so I have THAT to think about. So I eat to keep the tase out of my mouth. I am tired and I don't always have heathy options at my fingertips. Waah me. Excuses, excuses- again.Dr. Cawley wrote an order on my medical file "Cancel patient weights forever!!"




That's my record. Dr. Cawley is officially THE coolest Oncologist EVER!

So, while talking to Dr. Cawley we've decided to give the oxcilliplatin another go on the next round. (that's the stuff that sent me into anaphylactic shock on Round 7) But this time, we're gonna prep for it I guess. Sterroids, benadryl, claritin and zantac the day before to ready me for it. I think I'll ask a chemo buddy along for the ride- just in case I fall asleep... OR CAN'T SPEAK!
Gonna be a fun one. Whoever it is should probably bring a camera.

Aside from feeling like a lardass, I'm feeling pretty good- considering. Your good days are the equivalant of an "OK" day before cancer. I'll take them. Though after my weight breakdown, Dr. Cawley decided I should try some Zoloft because chemo suppresses seratonin levels which causes the rollercoaster of emotions. I'm not filling the perscription yet. There's the whole stigma of being on anti-depressants. And being married to a guy who is vehemently against chemical help- doesn't HELP me.

I Digress.

As I've said before- it always seems to be the days I'm rockin' the fannypack that are the rollercoasters.

In a different vein (no pun intended) I took my Iris to see "The Princess and The Frog" Sunday. It was her first Movie Theater experience. She did well. Drank too much and had to pee right before the Princess kisses the frog- but I think we got the concept. It was a CUTE movie. A little dark, but with the good comes the bad right? Then we waited in line to see Santa. And when i say "See Santa" I mean it. Iris got no closer than 10 feet from Jolly Ol' (30 year old) Saint Nick. Kris Kringle looked more like Chris Smith- Public Defender. Oh well. Iris asked me to call Santa to tell him what she'd like on Christmas Day. Bathtime Ariel is what she wanted. I think he said he can swing that. I love Christmas- and it's WAY more fun with a kid that "gets" it. In the car she asked if it was Christmas yet... "No," I said, "It's Christmas SEASON right now. But there is only one Christmas DAY."
"Ohhhh." She said. "Okay! I love Christmas Season. And Baby Jesus's Birthday. Can we make him a cake?"
I love that little girl.

She and Vera are by FAR my True Strength and my Biggest Weakness.

Thinking Out Loud

It's been a pretty uneventful week as far as Cancer goes. Chemo went smoothly, the side effects from the Oxicilliplatin are still lingering, even though it's been 3 weeks. My fingers are a weird numb and cold can still hurt if it's TOO cold.
You know, there isn't a day that I don't think about having cancer and just HOW long I will be here to fight it. Don't get me wrong- this isn't a Mad, Depressed or Vengeful post- really just thinking. I kinda feel like a loner in the crowd sometimes... I know I'm not alone, but it FEELS that way occasionally.
I look around and see people being jovial, seemingly carefree, and I'm momentarily convinced that they don't have serious issues to deal with like I do. BUT then I have to think about how I look to others who may not know MY story. I guess I look carefree to them until they see my port incision scar and even know what it is. I hate that cancer is now a permanent fixture in my life. Not curable. Fight forever. And so I will. I think it's pretty ridiculous that a shitty disease gets to affect me and my loved ones so much when it's not welcomed. Nobody pays attention to the 5 tattoos I've got- and I WANTED them. lol. I guess they're not life-threatening so not "note-worthy."
I accept the diagnosis. I get it. And I am fighting- but admittedly- I get TIRED of doing everything that I "should" do. Drink plenty of water, Eat lots of veggies, not a lot of meat, take your vitamins, exercise, get outside, stay positive, don't eat fast food, watch your weight, meditate, blah, blah, blah.
I would LOVE to do a "No processed foods" diet, however, in reality:
1. I am Not versed enough in the whole thing to pull it off on a constant basis.
2. I'm not Rich enough to do it like I would like to.
3. I'm Not organized enough to pull it off.
4. I'm Not patient enough.
5. I either DON'T manage my time effeciently enough or simply DON'T have the time to do it.
6. I'm not supermom, as much as I'd like to be.

All can be fixed I'm sure.

I need a whole life overhaul really. I can't even keep my kitchen table cleared off of the junk that plagues it... I'm sure there is something Halloween-related in the stack of papers on the corner. How the Hell am I going to get my proverbial shit together enough to orchestrate the perfect diet every day? At the same time, I don't think I want to deny myself yummy food. I know, I know- Everything in Moderation.
I can still want.
And I can still whine a bit and say "It's not fair!" I see thin, healthy women who eat whatever they want and don't have or GET cancer. Men that LIVE on junk food and chain smoke cigarettes, drink cases of beer every week and don't exercise at all... and they don't have cancer, or at least don't get it until they're in their 70's or 80's. WTF?!?!?! I will say with total confidence - I got a shit deal.

Eh, So I gotta do what needs to be done. I'm WORKING on doing the healthy thing. not that I was all junk food before. I tried to do healthy meals for my kids' sake and my own of course before the whole cancer deal even came about. I guess I gotta turn it up a bit and quit making excuses. It's one thing to CHOOSE that lifestyle, it's another to feel like you HAVE to do it.... or die.

Blah.

I've said it before... Cancer Sucks.

Smooth Sailing

Round 8- a breeze. Funny what a difference 2 weeks makes. All my blood work is good. I no longer will get the Oxcilliplatin (or however it's spelled) since that's what my allergic reaction was from. I THOUGHT that they would resume it, but the Nurse Practitioner said "uh, well, we don't want to KILL you." Agreed. Kinda defeats the purpose of getting cancer... har har... I mean, getting Chemo. So, it DOES kind of suck eggs that I won't be getting the chemo that's supposed to be HELPING kill the cancer, but happy day- no more cold sensitivity or numbness in the hands, not a lot of nausea. Silver lining huh? With all the pain in the ass side effects the Oxcilliplatin gave me, I'd still rather do it to combat the cancer than NOT. But what can ya do?
The crap part- I've gained THIRTEEN POUNDS since starting chemo. WTF? The Docs said "oh, that's good." Bullshit, I say. I was fat to begin with, I could have standed to lose weight.
After watching the scale go up a little every time, I am determined to lose at least what I've gained by the end of January. Then more after that.
Another "benefit" to dumping the Oxcilliplatin- I can start jogging again. I won't have to worry about freezing. Though I WILL have to wait until my pinky toe heals. Yowza! After that- I'm gonna get on it. Dunno when I will work it into my day- but I WILL work it into my day. For now, it will be to offset the Christmas food, then after Christmas- .... diet. blech. But It's gotta be done. I will not balloon up to what I once was. I can't stand to see pictures of myself from the chins down.
So there are my goals. I will never wear a bikini again, or even a bathing suit that doesn't have a skirt on it. Maybe a tankini- the bikini for tanks. I just wanna be able to NOT be self concious about my disgusting gut. Still contemplating the tummy tuck. Why not? It will only be the 6th major surgery on my abdomen. What's another one? really. I'm not an extremely vain person- but I do want to look good to myself. And right now- that's not happening. Plus- I've gotta stop looking at pictures of myself in High School. I'll never look like that again. poo.

Enough about that- I'm feeling pretty good today actually. Got some decent sleep last night- picking up Iris from Preschool, then a much deserved nap, then picking up the Birthday girl- (Vera is 1 year old today!) and having some kind of yummy dinner. Trying to think of something good that Vera would appreciate. Though my little chubby-kins loves almost anything!

later all!

blech!

Just bloggin for a minute... to bitch. My mouth CONSTANTLY tastes like chemo. How gross.

Done Bitching.

Actually other than that, it's a good day. Busy at work, but that's fine by me. Thinking about Iris' Christmas program tonight. Her first with "school." She's growing up... waaah. I'm making Italian Snowballs (which are Mexican wedding cookies with almond extract added) hoping they turn out right. I'm a horrible baker. Gonna make a bunch so I can send the extra to my buddy in Iraq for Christmas.

Then I've gotta round up a bunch of last minute stuff for Vera's birthday party on Sunday. Baking cupcakes... and I don't even have a present for her yet. SuperMom- That's me. Hardly.

At least she won't hold it against me until she's a teenager and only then if I actually TELL her about it.

Cheers to a busy, but fun, weekend.

Perspective

I am at work right now... not such a great day here. One of my coworkers is in a crap mood, which infects me. Guess I'm not thinking about cancer much, just horked off for no reason really.
So very glad for the new hire they made while I was gone. His first day was my first day back. LOVE HIM. Not in a *Brown chicken Brown cow* kinda way, more like a little brother. I think it's kinda crucial that you have someone to talk to at work that you can enjoy yourself around. That was one of the great beauties of being in the Navy or even working as a waitress. The co-workers. And this new guy is just fun. Yay for fun in the workplace.
On the Cancer front, or Chemo front- side effects are minimal this round because I didn't get the Full Monty of the Oxcilliplatin since it sent me into near anaphylactic shock, I only got about a third of the dose. (got the full dose of all the other junk though) That's the stuff that makes my fingers numb, makes me sensitive to cold, and evidently makes me nauseous too. Though it will be short lived- Chemo again next Monday and I will probably get the full dose this time and so it starts all over.
I gotta admit, my sense of humor weakens with every treatment. Chemo really breaks you down, because it's almost constant (this "break" cleared my head a bit) and when you feel like shit on a CONSTANT basis, ANY amount of humor you had about it, or all the "refreaming" you could do with your situation suddenly becomes rare. Not that I would be mad at anyone making light of it and cheering me up for a bit- it's that i can't really think of anything humorous about it on my own. Just another reason I love the New Guy- he heard me joking about my fannypack and saw that as a signal that HE could make light of it too.... whew! When I told him about not being able to drink cold beverages or use cold water to wash my hands, his response was "That sounds made-up... couldn't you just drink it through your 'drug straw'?" pointing to the tube coming out of my chest. I almost peed my pants. I have since decided to call the tube my "drug straw" that goes into my rockin' fannypack.
I really NEED people like that around me, not people that look at me with pity. I can only be serious so often.

It's exhausting to be serious.

When I do get in the dumps and actually decide to call someone to wallow in my situation, I only need a bit of serious then it is up to that person to slap me in the face to get me out of it or else it will just last longer. I called Aryn (one of my BFFs) one night last week to wallow- to complain about my husband and to cry about having stage 4 cancer and to have side effects and whatever else I could think of. When I started on the cancer whining- she said "Okay, I'll let you talk like that for about another 5 minutes, then you're done. Because this isn't Rachel talking- it's the cancer. And you can't let the cancer talk for you." I wanted to come through the phone..... and hug her.
I don't think I'm atypical from the average cancer patient... or am I? I HONESTLY don't know any other way to deal with this. And as I said before- I don't know that I could do a support group because I'd go in happy and come out crying. Shouldn't it be the opposite?

5 more rounds of chemo and I can get back to being the ME that I know is in here somewhere... But right now, I feel like I've lost my wit- or at least the wit I have on my own- and I'm turning to others for a steady supply of it... or at least turning to others to get me kick-started.

hmmm. This post was supposed to be short. Sorry 'bout that. :-)

Round 7 Sucked

And that was just yesterday. The center was SOOOO busy- a lot of the Thursday/Friday Chemo patients were there since the center will be closed for Thanksgiving and the day after. So I was there almost an hour before getting my port accessed- and giving a blood draw for labs. Then after meeting with Dr. Cawley (love her BTW) I sat for almost another hour waiting for them to mix my cocktail... er- uh- Chemo. Was feeling like poop already then they give me my pre-meds, Benadryl, Pepcid and Ativan. Woozy. Then I just decided to give into the tired and sleep... I HATE sleeping there because the vinyl chair makes me sweat even more with all the drugs cycling through my body. I wake up in a pool of sweat- ack!

I woke up yesterday in a BAD sweat (and it was actually cold in the room, the way I like it) and was feeling not so happy in my guts and it was difficult to swallow- it was a sharp pain when I did. So I wobble to the bathroom and just sit there, think I fell asleep a couple of times (on the pot.. lol) and had actually THOUGHT of using the nurse call pull cord, but once I mustered up the strength to get up and wash my hands, I made it back to my chair and spaced out for a minute. A girl my sister and I went to school with is a nurse at a close "outpost" of the cancer center was there to get training with chemo bay and she came over to ask how I was feeling... "not good" I think I said. She called to one of the other nurses who just yelled "get the kit!" to another nurse, then went to get my Oncologist. I was the star of the Chemo Bay for about 20 minutes while they pumped some more drugs in to counteract what may have been the beginnings of anaphalyctic shock. Good Times. I felt better, but my head was cloudy and I was slurring my words. I could HEAR myself talking stupid but couldn't do anything about it. Then, in the middle of a sentence, I couldn't think of a word I wanted to say. UGGHHHHHH! Kinda like being locked in someone else's body and having no control over what you do- and being TOTALLY concious of it. And I had like 4 people just watching me- but I kept on talking... should have just shut up to not sound like a druggie. Embarrassing. I TALK for a living and this chemo is just making me dumber by the day. I don't remember being scared about the whole situation- just frustrated. I remember thinking "well, I'll be fine- they'll just trach me- what's another scar and inconvenience?" What a pain in my ass.

I also wonder... how many brain cells am I killing? LOL.

Today- I feel kinda okay, so all is well for now. Rockin' the fannypack though- Barf. Wanna see pics?

Short -n- Sweet.

Feeling okay physically- GREAT mentally. Community Night was very nice- Thanks to Mary T, Jan, Mom, Patty, Micki, Mary G, Eva, Amber, Tammy, Ashton and Abby for the effort and support. I am blessed to have so many people that love me.

Jason (the husband) gets paid today... I think we may take the girls out for Hibachi tomorrow night... I've be hankering for some sushi and I know Iris would LOVE the show they put on! Gonna try not to let the fact that the house is an utter mess bother me. I've decided if the house I REALLY like is taken that I'm gonna put the house-hunting on hold till after the holidays. I know we're not going anywhere before Christmas. I'll take lots of pics though because it will for sure be the last Christmas in that house. A little bittersweet.

Not much to tell on the cancer front. Though sometimes that's a good thing.

Thank you.

Another Wednesday. Symptoms tapering off. Just enough to get comfortable for a few days before that crap they call "Chemo" on Monday.

Today I'm thinking about all the people who've helped me through this up to now- I WANT to name names, but I would inevitably leave someone out and feel terrible about it. I am so thankful for each act- whether it was commenting on my rantings with kind words, sending a card or more, adding me to your prayer list at church, watching my kids while I nap or get chemo treatments, listening to me whine or bitch or going so far as organizing a benefit for me, I am forever grateful that you took the time out of your life to think of me. My family and I are so appreciative of you all. I wouldn't be able to manage day to day life without the help of others. It not only helps me out with managing daily tasks- it means the world to me that I mean something to someone else.

I remember when I was in the Navy, having spent nearly 3 years in Fallon, Nevada, making friends who were like family- I had to leave to transfer to Corpus Christi, Texas. I cried like a baby, not because I had to leave, but because I didn't want to be forgotten. I guess it's a little egotistical to want to be remembered, but it's the truth. I really thought I would just be another Jane to everyone and fade into distant memories where people would say "What was that one girl's name again? Eh, no matter.."

I haven't a clue WHY it matters so much to me. I guess it's just nice to know that I've carved my name into the bathroom stall of the world... "Rachel was here."

A good day- So far

It's Monday, so it's not GREAT, but I got to talk to one of my favorite people on the phone and that ALWAYS brightens my day... no matter how crappy it is.

It's a "down" week, which means no chemo and the side effects have tapered off to "tolerable." I think this cold sensitivity will be the bane of my existence though. The hot water heater is broken here at work, so I've tried to wash my hands in cold water but it's SO cold. So I use the hell outta hand sanitizer. My hands are getting wrecked. Still itchy- but it's only slightly annoying. Still nauseous- but somehow I push through and ALWAYS manage to eat... I ALWAYS manage to eat when I want. LOL. I don't care how nauseous I am, you put pizza in front of me and I will find a way to scarf it down.

My aunt is having a "Community Night" benefit for me this Thursday at our local Wendy's. Bascially a group of people clean tables and work for tips to raise money for a specific charity (which is me this time... I don't know that I'll ever be comfortable with being a charity case) plus they get a portion of the sales for that night. It's nice of the owner to do that- he's actually a cool guy. Even nicer- the people GOING to the thing to do the work. I'm still not sure about what my role is. Do I go and hang out... is that coming across as self-serving? Or do I stay at home on my duff while others do work for me? I'm not at all cool with the latter. It's a fine line. Maybe I'll go incognito... no one will notice the short fella in the corner with Groucho Marx glasses and a a Double D chest... (no matter HOW I try- I can't hide those).

I digress.... It's a good day and I wanted to post it because lately the good days go by so fast, I rarely get to comment on them as they happen. They DO happen folks. And There will be P.L.E.N.T.Y. more when all this shit is said and done. Looking forward to May 2010- Have a feeling thats when things really start looking up. I should be healed from surgery, chemo will just be a bad memory and among other things, Relay For Life will be like a new beginning.

It gets rough.

I'm glad I have a blog to vent- but I try to collect my thoughts before sitting down and pouring my heart out. If I'd have gotten online last night- It would have been a mess to say the least.
I can't understand how it is that I inspire anyone. I am not NEAR as strong as people seem to think I am. I whine, cry, get short-tempered, binge eat, starve myself, scream and pout when I'm mad at the world. Not all the time, and I'm certainly not going to go out in public or even out of my house when I'm feeling like doing any of those. So no one really sees that side of me. I don't cry that much, but I could if I thought about it enough. All the side effects are increasing in strength and there are times I wonder if I can do 6 more treatments of this crap. I know I don't have the side effects that most people know of when the word chemo comes up and the side effects are weird. Who the hell would think of a "cold sensitivity" side effect? Sometimes I get the idea that people think I'm faking because one minute I'm good, the next I'm exhausted and bitchy, then I'm good again.

Funny... or SAD thing is, with the cold sensitivity is a "hurt" when taking a first bite of something. You know- when you eat something sour and your jaw aches for a minute? THAT. Only it hurts worse and it's not with sour stuff, it's with EVERYTHING. That pain kicks in on the sides of my face when I cry. So yep- it hurts to cry too. Can't win for losing.

So it's become another "poor me" post. What an inspiration I am.

Happy Veterans' Day! I'm meeting my sister, my dad, my dad's friends and my cousin for lunch at Applebee's today because they are honoring Vets with a free entree'. How very cool!
I haven't had much of a chance to blog since this past weekend to update on my goings-on.
I went to Indiannapolis with Micki (my sister) for the Returning Warrior Workshop.
It was actually a great weekend. Micki and I got a chance to talk without interruption and she rented a Charger... a CANDY APPLE RED Charger. Sa-WEET!
The whole workshop was great- There was so much food that I didn't know where to start. Friday night Micki ran into a shipmate that she was stationed with in Rota, Spain and they got to catch up. The Saturday night we went for drinks and I tied one on like I haven't for a long time. Felt pretty good to have fun without worry. Since becoming a mom it's hard to cut loose because you're constantly worried about your kids, then stack cancer on top of that and it just gets nastier. But I made up my mind that I wasn't going to think about cancer and that I was going to trust that my kids were JUST FINE at home without me for the night.

Ahhh.

I really needed it too.

I got to bed about 5:30am and was up about 7:15 to get ready for the last of the workshop (and breakfast). It's been so long since I've had one- but I instantly realized why I don't drink to excess anymore- hangovers suck! But I muddled through.

Things wrapped up about 12:30 and we got outta there about 1:30. A five hour drive later I was home, only to change clothes, kiss my girls hello and goodbye and head off to the Magical Night Of Giving at the Grand Central Mall for my Co-Hosting duties for the radio station. By then I'd caught my second wind and it was all good. needless to say- I crashed pretty hard that night. And my girls slept all night (thanks chicks!) then it was off to work at 5:45am and Chemo at 8:45am. Got outta chemo about 4... but I did take a nap.

My Mother in law kept the girls that night and I FINALLY got to spend some time with them last night. And tonight we go to my aunt's house for a Veterans Day / early Thanksgiving dinner. I kinda like having a packed schedule. As long as there are a couple of down days in there somewhere.

As far as the cancer front goes- May I just say... Chemo sucks on toast. Side effects get worse every time. The cold sensitivity is harsh. Numb fingers and toes, hives, itchy hands, arms and whatever else and nausea. Kinda miserable. But since this was my 6th treatment, I am halfway done. Hoo....... Ray. If all goes as planned, my last treatment will be February 1.
I just hope it can BE done then.

Enough whining today- back to work I go!

Scratchy..

ACK!!! So now I'm having side effects of the Avastin they've added to the cocktail. Some hives and redness/tenderness on my hands. What a pain in the colon!
Looks like I'm picking up some benadryl before heading home today. I also have to stop at the store to buy a pair of pants... because for some reason I've packed away my only nice pair of black slacks. The attire for this weekend in Indiannapolis is business casual. It's an Iraq War Veteran's workshop- I'm going with Micki (my sister who was in Iraq from Sep '07 to April '08). I think I'll be a bit emotional because I love servicemembers- it's kind of a brother-sisterhood. Plus, I'm a bit jealous that I couldn't get the same deal out of MY military experience as many others had.- that's a whole other blog for when I'm old and crusty.
I was talking to a friend on the phone last night about if I wanted to re-enlist... that was quickly squished. I seriously doubt the Navy would take me now- with stage 4 cancer.
And another daydream eats it.

Cancer Sucks.

Back at Work

And actually happy about it. I dig my job. In case u didn't know- I work for a local radio station as a co-host of the morning show. Our call letters are WNUS (www.wnus.com) and we aren't streaming yet- but hopefully will be by 2010 sometime.
I am a little slower on the wit since chemo, so I'm hoping the listening audience won't notice too much. I'm just not as sharp as I was- I FEEL dumb. Stupid chemo. ugh.
It's hard to tell just what will happen next week. I'll be rockin' the fannypack Tuesday and Wednesday, and THAT's when I'm at my dumbest. We shall see. Too bad youall can't tune in for the train wreck that could potentially be. Maybe our ratings will spike just because people wanna hear the next stupid thing to come outta my mouth.. LOL.
Though I've still gotta fall back into the routine (it HAS been 6 months after all) it kinda feels like I never left. My office looks exactly like when I left (yikes!) except for the big 'ol bottle of hand sanitizer on my desk.
I'm EXTRA glad no one is treating me different. I would take total issue with that- I hate the head tilt followed by "You Okay?" I know it's out of concern, but believe me- if I wasn't okay- You'd probably know it already.

So- happy day today. The little things keep me going ...

I'm really not a copycat...

I just realized within the last few days that Fran Drescher has a book AND a website "Cancer Schmancer." Now I feel like a goober. Though I guess great minds think alike. I'm just a little slower on the uptake.

So- What I thought was original and witty just loks like a cheap knock-off. Oh Well.

Think I'll pick up the book. :P

Sorry it's been a while.....

I've been crazy busy and my mind is a blur most days. It actually is today- yet I blog on. So please excuse me if I come off a little dumb. The first few days after chemo suck the most. The "sick" is tolerable for a while then it kinda breaks you down after a while.
The side effects get stronger with every treatment. The cold sensitivity is a pain in the ass- Waiting for the hot water to come out of the faucet after using the bathroom. and when you use the bathroom as much as I do- it gets ANNOYING doing that every time.
So I dunno if I've posted it before, but the chemo treatment I'm on is FOLFOX- it's the "cocktail" of drugs I get every other Monday. We've added Avastin to the cocktail and with that come more side effects, many like the side effects of other drugs- it just increases the likelieness of me HAVING those side effects or increases the side effects. uugghh. I didn't really have the nausea with the first 3 rounds in August, but it's a fixture now. SOMEHOW I still find the abitlity to eat. LOL... There's not much that keeps me from eating. Could be why I have cancer but everyone is so amazed that I don't look gaunt and sallow- instead, I am "filled out" and chunky. Then people say "oh, I think it's better if you start out that way." Don't get me wrong- I'm totally NOT offended. I promise. The truth is never offensive to me.
However...
I was rockin' the fannypack yesterday on the way home from chemo- I had to stop by Kroger for necessities and a woman stared at the bandage on my chest with the tube running to my awesome fashion accessory on my hip. THEN she looked a few more times and went to her phone and CALLED someone about it. I heard her talking about it. LOL. I wanted to say "Why don't you just ask me about it and I will be happy to inform you."
On a previous trip to Kroger, the checkout lady (mid forties I think) simply said "Okay, I'm nosey, what's going on there?" and points to my bandage. HOW REFRESHING! Honestly. I think it made my day.
I'm putting the tube inside my shirt anymore... at least when I drop off and pick up Iris from preschool... it's a little freaky for the kids. At the same time though- I think it's good for kids to be exposed to that (but It's not my place to do it for other kids- that's up to the parents) and hope that if a kid asks his or her parent what's going on with me, that the parent will tell them. It is, after all, reality. And it's not way scary like the evening news.
So my status as of today- tired, nauseous, jittery, in general good spirits and kicking cancer's ass.


That's up for change at any given moment. :)

p.s. I start back to work next Monday... a little angst there. I will be blogging more when I go back. It's actually part of the job. MUhahahaha!

Follow Up

Saw my man today. Actually, my surgeon- but he's "The Man"- for my follow up appointment. His exact words... "The chemo seems to be working. It's still a very serious situation, but not hopeless." Yay for "not hopeless." I love his no nonsense candor. I got my stiches out so it's not QUITE as uncomfortable. My next surgery won't be until Feb, and that will be a repeat of what I just had. So onward with the chemo. (I was supposed to have chemo this past Monday but there was a little mixup and it's only been 3 weeks since surgery, so chemo actually resumes this coming Monday) Since I won't have any surgeries for a while I get to add Avastin to the chemo cocktail- which to me is a good thing. The harder I can go at it, the better. And the pain in the ass side effects are a temporary small price to pay for coming out ahead.

AND>>> As if having the rarest of Appendix Cancers wasn't enough- I had blood sent off to Colorado (I think) for genetic testing to find out exactly WHAT strain of DNA this came from so my family can have testing done on that strain to check for their possible pre-disposition for getting the same cancer... The lab called my Oncology office 3 times and said they have never seen anything like what I've got. All results were inconclusive and they were stumped. So I'm thinking they should be paying ME for the blood so they can play with it and learn.
I AM the Diamond In The Rough.
"Lucky" me. It would figure.

Regardless, my girls (and the rest of my family if I have anything to say about it) will be getting screened as soon as they turn 18. I will leave it up to them- but I will also push having an elective appendectomy. If the appendix is not there, there is little chance (though still possible) that they will get Appendix Cancer.

Grrr. I fight on.

Heart or Head.

I think I've recovered well from surgery. I get a little sore at the incision site, but staples come out on Tuesday- Yay! however, Chemo starts on Monday- boo.

I'm waxing philosophical tonight.

I called this post "Heart or Head" because sometimes I don't trust my judgement. I rarely EVER make the right decision between the two. It's not always the BEST idea to follow your head. Someone very close to me made ALL her decisions with her head and as of now she is STILL alone. But really, HOW do you know which is the best route to take?
Since time is of the essence to me anymore- because I haven't a clue how much of it I've got- it seems so crucial now that I make the right decisions. I haven't been very good at it really.
I am being obscure because it's not about the situation, it's about the compass I posess. Is it slightly off or has it been pointing North all along and my life is in the direction it is supposed to be and I'm too dumb to see it. I can't help but think there is something BIG and WONDERFUL waiting for me on the other side of a right decision.