Just wanted to say....

Thanks to all who follow the blog. It's mostly just a re-hash of what I put on Facebook, but I never think to check the comments section. I seriously JUST read the comments and want to say thanks to everyone who leaves any at all. It is nice to know I've got a cheering section.

Keeping a sense of humor is not always easy- but I think it's a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. necessary. When the inside gets dark- keeping it light on the outside seems to seep inward. Sometimes it gets VERY dark... and to tell the truth, I want to beat this and will if it's possible, but in all reality (I can say this here because I have no relatives following this blog) the outlook isn't so great. Survival rates for the few who have been followed- suck. This is stage four cancer, not two or three. And this cancer is so rare that drug companies don't do any drug testing or research for it because it's not cost effective. This is not a popular cancer so it's abandoned and treated like a general colon cancer in the hopes that it does the trick.
I'm an optimist.... but I'm no dummy. The odds are stacked against me. I used to picture having grandchildren or touring Europe after my girls have gone to college. That is all faded. I try to live for the now. I soak up every silly thing Iris says or does, I cherish every smile I get out of Vera, I am only a little iritated when I have to get up with one or the other in the middle of the night, I stand in the doorways of their rooms and want to bawl because I am so afraid that I will be nothing but pictures in an album to them because they won't remember me. I'm afraid that they will simply refer to me as "Rachel" because they can't recall calling me "Mommy."

Iris has a hard time grasping what's going on. She knows there is something amiss, and knows that I go to the doctor a lot and that the hospital is where mommy gets better. May was bad, she and Vera were both shuffled around as I was stuck in a friggin' hospital bed- totally at the mercy of fate. Now Iris gets seperation anxiety before I leave her even just for an hour or so. I tell her "Mommy always comes back" so she knows I'm not leaving her forever. And hopefully when the day comes that I do leave her forever, she'll be old enough to understand. I know I'm not dying from cancer tomorrow or even in 6 months, but Father Time has me in a stranglehold. I've got an overwhelming sense of urgency to get my affairs in order, to get into a "real house" ASAP (I've been wanting to move for over a year) and to make sure those around me know my wishes. There is so much I want to do and see before leaving and there just aren't enough resources to do them, and even if I had the resources to do those things- would I? It is a wicked trade-off to go do something greedy when I could be spending that precious time with my daughters.
I guess I've got a lot of guilt. (yes, I do go to counseling) My sister tells me to let it go- but she's not a mom. I feel guilty because I've put everyone on edge, possibly making my 3 year old nuerotic because she's SO concerned ANY time she hears of someone being sick, I've had to shuffle my girls off NUMEROUS times to get treatment, to recover from treatment, to just sleep and so on, I've imposed on others to watch the girls, those other people in the meantime are sick with worry about me and it goes on and on.
What a mess.

ugh.

I guess with the Comedy comes the Tragedy. It happens. Now I'm good for a few days. Thanks for "listening."

..and so the story goes...

It's been an eventful week, (in no particular order) signing up Iris for preschool (starts on Tues!!) watching Belpre lose it's pants to Warren, going to a friend's birthday party/mock funeral ( :-O), getting chemo and taking my sister for her colonoscopy. The doc found two polyps during the colonoscopy and removed them- they were benign- HOORAY! I was honestly terrified for her- Things haven't been going well for the females in my family this summer. Now, if I can just get my SIXTY YEAR OLD FATHER to get his colonoscopy since he's never had one and is 10 years past due! (If you know him- give him grief about it) Actually, to think about it- i can think of a couple of cousins (Amy and Jimmy) who should get their colons on the big screen too. (I MEAN IT)Hey- Colonoscopies for EVERYONE!!!! Do it for fun!I am on the upswing from my last round of chemo- and GLAD of it. how irritating it is to not be able to drink anything cold. grrr. And THAT is just the small annoyance if it.

I won't be doing IV chemo until October because I'm waiting for the IPHP/Surgical Chemo. Yippeee... i KNOW you can fel my excitement. Ahhh- the pleasures of a catheder AND an NG tube. If only I could make the feeling last forever. A necessary evil I know. I might as well be out with it- I will probably have to have a total hysterectomy in the near future because the "seeding" of the cancer has landed on my "mommy parts" and taken up residence. It's also take up residence in MANY other places- the doc is scheduling 4 hours for the surgery. It's going to be like pulling weeds I guess... hunt, cut, hunt, cut, hunt, cut and so on until all the little cancer nodules are properly "plucked." After that is the scraping of my liver to get the nasties off the surface, and then a GOOOOOOOD washin' down. I wonder if I'll feel Lemony Fresh after the whole thing? or will I be too drugged up to notice. I totally vote "Too drugged up to notice."

You know- the first couple of times in the hospital I was a little sheepsh when asking for the hard drugs for pain because I didn't want anyone thinking I was a druggie- now- I simply don't care. They're not going to give me more than I'm allowed and it's for actual, legitimate PAIN. So BRING IT ON!!! It's not a contest to see who can take the most pain. Nobody gets a stinkin' medal because they didn't take ALL pain meds they were allowed and "sucked it up." Anyway-

I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks without the chemo and it's side effects- although, I'd rather just do it and have it done than add another month on to when the treatment will be over. We're looking at February now instead of January. Nothing says "Happy Valentines Day" like intestinal distress, nausea and fatigue.

Prognosis: Unknown

I have a date!!!!Okay, okay so it's with a doctor and he's going to be cutting me open. September 18 is "go day" for the IPHP chemo surgery. Doc Arnold will be debulking the little tumors that are plaguing my abdomen still. then he's going to give my insides a gooooooooood scrub down with some super-heated chemotherapy. sounds like fun!!! You KNOW you wanna do it!

Anyway- Round 3 is Monday. I finally got a chance to sit with the Nurse Practitioner and ask some REAL questions.... you know- the ones that you can't ask when family is around because they don't want me thinking the worst. I don't think the worst- but I DO want to know what to be ready for. Officially though- there is no prognosis because this cancer is so rare that there is NO accurate information on survival rates. Since it IS Stage 4- it's not cureable, but we can kick it's ass into remission and that's what I'm hoping for. Every piece of information about my situation online says "very poor" prognosis... but I will be the poster girl for surviving Signet Ring Cell Adenocarcinoma. To hell with the naysayers. If I have to do a thousand surgeries- so be it.

As far as how I am feeling... I won't say I'm great because it simply isn't true. I'm okay. There are a few nasty side effects but it gets better about day 8.We'll know with this surgery if things are looking better or worse or the same and re-evaluate from there. The great thing is- I've got Doctors who are aggressive with treatment and friends and family who will be right there fighting with me.

Round 2 Tomorrow

I go for another round of chemo tomorrow. Hoping this time it goes a little smoother. It's really just boring. And I'm gonna have to have a little chat with the old lady that takes forever in the bathroom (an seems to have the same "schedule" I do) because there i only one women's toilet right there and when this chick needs to go- SHE NEEDS TO GO!!
I have also learned my lesson aobut watching Kathy Lee Gifford and Hota or whatever her name is... I will only watch it for the train wreck that it is... and critique accordingly.
My hair is thinning.. at least it's falling out a lot. I cut it shorter because it was just EVERYWHERE!!! In my daughter's hands, on the couch, in the drain, in my FOOD- ACK!!!! I figure I will be shaving the noggin soon... maybe within the month. All in all everything is okay. I thing I am getting "used" to the idea of having cancer... but will never understand how those around me feel. Because it sounds weird, but I know how much I like people.. you know? Certain people... you like them alot and care about them and would do anything for them... I sincerely just never thought anyone (except for my family) felt that way about me. It sounds kind of dumb because I know I feel that way about other people, so why wouldn't someone feel that way about me? I dunno. I really just kind of saw myself as a "Toadie" or a Jane Schmoe that no one really gave much thought to after the end of a conversation. I still feel that way. That's why I am always amazed to know how much others have done for me- Like Amber and the Crew... and to see people friend me... especially ones that aren't in "the know" about my situation. I'm always giddy when someone says they were looking for me online. I feel like Sally Field.... not as in Sybil... but as in "You like me, you really like me!!!!"
I'm plotting my comeback already... while I take a breather. My "pay-it-forward" is in it's infant stages right now but I'm working on it.







Yesterday we had Iris' 3rd birthday party though her actually birth DAY is Aug 14. A Yo Gabba Gabba theme. Her cake ROCKED!! My friend Amy made it.

I never knew

I had so many friends.

The benefit last night was crazy! Crazy Fun that is. Amber (Little) Guthrie was the ringleader of the whole thing. She was amazing! She put so much work into it that it HAD to be a success. I really don't know if there are stronger, more appropriate words than THANK YOU for all she's done- and for all the work, time, money and effort others put into the whole thing.
It blows me away that so many that I went to elementary school with came out to help... people I haven't seen in at least 15 years or people I see in passing once a year or so come out of the woodwork to help. I will forever be paying forward all the good deeds afforded me. I so hope I am the person that everyone believes deserved such kindness.
Why is it that cancer is easier for me to accept than charity? I think it's because I don't feel worthy of all the kindness. I don't feel like I've made that much of a mark on anything, let alone anyone other than my children I guess. I always just figured myself a regular "Jane" just getting by. But last night it hit home... or just slapped me in the face. One person said "We all grew up together- we're like brothers and sisters. We just haven't seen each other for a long time." And my heart just melted. I'd ALWAYS felt that way- I just really didn't think anyone else did- or felt that way about me at least.
It is easy for me to hold back tears of pain, but tears of gratitude seem to flow like the Amazon. I just can't say Thank You enough.
I want to thank everyone individually- but I would surely leave someone out and I would feel terrible if I did. Let's just say- you know who you are.
Thank you all so very much. It means the world to me that you think I am so deserving. I will do everything in my power to pass it on forever.

Round 1... done

I got the chemo today- it actually didn't take as long as I thought it would, but I'm still hooked up to one that I have to carry in a not-so-fashionable Fanny Pack until Wednesday..... I would point and laught at myself. >:) I guess there was a problem with the input part of the port- the needle would take blood but not push the meds in so they had to re-stick the port (right on my incision from putting the port in) and re-stick it again in the same spot. Admittedly... I cried. It was more aggravating than painful, but they had to push around on the incision to find the port markers on my already tender chest. Ther nurses were really apologetic about it so I'm not mad at them... it's the stupid cancer that pisses me off. If I didn't have it, I wouldn't have to worry about them sticking my port. (does that sound dirty?)
I am not sick from the chemo today. I was just tired. I took a nap there and watched Kathy Lee Gifford and friend make idiots of themselves on TV. WHO PAYS THOSE 2 TO HAVE A SHOW??? OMG I could do SOOO much better.. grrrrr. Give me HALF of what they make and I'll give you a better show 10 times over!! arrrggh!
I'm feeling one of the side effects from one of the meds- cold sensitivity. I feel minty fresh. That's the only way to describe it. If you've ever chewed spearmint or peppermint gum and then drank cold water you know what I'm talking about. I can't drink Iced or real cold drinks nor can I handle cold anything without gloves or else it feels like a cold burn.
I also talked to the Nurse Practitioner about genetic something or other. Evidently it's a DNA mutation of a couple of genes which caused this. So I have to get further testing to confirm it and to be able to find the same mutation in my girls and other blood family if they have it.

To Recap: I have a DNA mutation and Cold is now my weakness. Shouldn't I have Mutant Powers now????
Should be something like Pyro Powers- to start fires, since cold is my weakness... Or maybe I could just be a hairless catwoman. I'm sure they don't like the cold either.

Not Fair. I want my mutant powers NOW!!!

Of course it would suck if i was supposed to be "Appendix Girl!!!" Because I no longer have one. That would be my luck.

Excelsior!!!!!!!!!

Now that the dressing is off

AAACK!! Why did the doc need to put that stupid incision right in the middle of my chest? I thought he'd put it to the side-ish. Now I've got an incision at the base of my neck and one for all to see the second I wear a V-neck shirt.
Is it too soon to whine about being cut-up?

ouch!

Well, after sitting in the hospital for 3-1/2 hours I finally got my port in. Hoo-Ray. I am SORE! I feel like Frankenstein because I'm paranoid to move my neck. (insert yummy sound here MMMMMMM!) I don't think I was this sore after my big surgery. I didn't realize how much I moved my neck and used those muscles. uughh.I got some good pain meds, but they only go so far. Maybe it just FEELS bad because of the idea of the port and not the actual thing. hmmmI've got bandages on my neck and chest- those suckers are coming off first thing tomorrow.So, it's not much to tell. It's just there. But it's an update none-the-less.Hope everyone is well!Until next time..............................

Appendiceal Cancer it is..

I talked with my family doctor last night... yes- she gave me her home phone number- how wonderful is SHE? I am very sure not to abuse it though :)
After all the appointments and so on at OSUMC, they've called it Colon Cancer... but to be more exact- my doc said all the pathology signs point to the appendix. That is IS Appendiceal Cancer. (still in the Colorectal Cancer "family") I guess it's just for conversation's sake because it's still Signet Ring Cell Adenocarcinoma which is DISMAL if you look at the numbers. (I have to remember to NOT look at the numbers- they are from 11 YEARS AGO!!!) Does it REALLY matter where it came from? Does it matter if a serial killer is from Chicago or A SUBURB of Chicago... For my own sanity- I'll say Appendiceal Cancer though. I was so tired and aggravated at reading all this crap about colon cancer being "the most preventable cancer if you just eat right- no animal fat and TONS of veggies and take care of yourself and exercise and blah, blah, blah." It's all over the literature you read AFTER you are diagnosed with colon cancer. I don't believe it- but that little jerk that sits in the back of my head (Mr. Self- Doubt) kept saying "oooh, you know you wouldn't have colon cancer if you would have just been a vegetarian. ha ha- YOUR fault!!" I hate that guy. So with it technically being appendiceal cancer I can slap him in the face and shut him up.

Only days to go

I am admittedly apprehensive about getting this port put in. ugh. Well, that and a thousand other things. I started a journal when this whole rollercoaster pulled out of the station... but have only put a couple of entries in it since.. and one was just bitching about Jason. i think I can get my thoughts out faster by typing- but then I just look like a bad mom cause I'm on the computer. If I took the same amount of time out to write in an actual journal it wouldn't look as bad. WTH?
I don't know what I'm going to do this Friday after surgery. Do I bring the girls home? Because I'm just shipping them off to Grams' house on Monday. I feel bad that the girls are getting shuffled around. Poor Iris is getting weary of it and this is just the beginning. Vera is reaching the attachment phase and wants Mommy- but I am not going to be able to tend to her like she needs to be. it pisses me off. Stupid effin' cancer.
I hope we can make it to good 'ol Coolville Founder's Day festivities, I haven't been since I dated Tim Linton... now THAT'S a blast from the past. I think we were too coll to actually enjoy it. It's a lot different when you've got kids- rather being a teen with "better things to do." Like making out. tee-hee.
So I'm going for a pedicure tomorrow- lucky pedicure lady. Pity her that she's gotta deal with my feet. blech!! I do wash them...
I'm hoping to be able to get around well after chemo, but I'm not counting on it. I will start jogging again when I can. Want to get skinny because I'm healthy not because I'm sick. arrgh!!

It's just nice

Friday, July 17, 2009 at 11:03am Edit Note Delete
To go into work, that is. I set my alarm for 5am and hit snooze until it just didn't go off anymore. At 6am I drag my butt outta bed and tell Jason that I'm going into work (he didn't believe me). I COULD HAVE tried to sleep in- but sometimes when you have little ones- trying to sleep in is more frustrating than just waking up and knocking the dust off and getting the day started.Going to work was a little "me" time that didn't consist of laundry, shower, Doctor's appointment, driving to the doctor's appointment, getting stuck with needles, drinking some nastyfluids for a CT scan, getting a CT scan and so on. (I WILL get a pedicure soon!) It just felt nice to be back at work even if it was just for one morning. I've worked since I was 16- it's hard to NOT work. Don't get me wrong, I love the time with my girls, but there's something secure in working. I hope they don't figure out that they can manage just fine without me... I will be out of a job when I can come back permanently. As treatment gets closer it gets more real... not like it WASN'T real... it's just weird to be on the other side of the "Cancer Stories." We'd done St Jude radiothons at the station and I'd listened to the sad stories and cried for those kids and families but I cry less being on this side. I only cry when I think of leaving my girls.2 days after my diagnosis I was getting my hair cut and I was sitting next to a girl that was getting her hair dyed for prom. She was getting "firey" colors and it was so cool and funky. Just like I would have done mine when I was in high school. I got misty-eyed thinking I might not see my girls graduate. I can handle pretty much everything else. That's why I TRY to be understanding when my parents get emotional talking about my situation. I can't imagine if it was one of my girls going through this. It's my silver lining- that it's not one of them. A guy I work with has a little girl that is a week younger than Iris and she was diagnosed with cancer last year. She had a lung removed in Jan and just finished chemo. So when I feel bad for myself, I just look at that situation and re-think.I joke a lot about MY situation, it IS serious- but humor is how I cope. Anyone who knows me would tell you that I am an emotional person- so it's either laugh a lot or cry constantly. I choose to laugh... most the time.Well, just to go over the timeline... I get my port put in next friday, then chemo on the 27th and every other monday after that until the nd of august when I do the IPHP chemo (I've heard that it's nickname is "Shake and Bake" :P ) and then IV chemo every other Monday after that for 4-6 weeks then another IPHP chemo, then more IV chemo every other monday for a grand total of 6 months.Watch out for my Relay for Life team next spring.. Rachel's Renegades? That's a little more tame than what I had originally had picked out... gotta keep it "G" Rated. If all the people actually come that said they would- it will be quite a team. We'll rule the school!!Again, thanks for all the well wishes that continue to pour in. I do appreciate each and every one of you.Take it easy.until next time.........................................

Tick Tock

SO I will start this off with a bit of sarcasm. Joy that I will be getting port put "instsalled" in a week and joy that I will start chemo on July 27. I mean it's all good that it is in motion but I can't say I'm gonna jomp in excitement for what lies ahead of me in the next 6 months. I wish I had some words of wit but am totally tapped out after arguing with a certain husband.... didn't anyone tell him he's not supposed to fight with a cancer patient??? Guess he didn't get the memo that once you get cancer- you are always right in spousal disagreements. I will fax that to him the first chance I get.

Here's what I know at the moment

It seems the more I dig about this stupid ass cancer (pun intended) the less I know. Signet Ring Cell Adenocarcinoma affects .10% (notice the point?) of colon cancer patients... if that. (I'm gonna call it Colon cancer with Appendecial cancer tendencies just to annoy anyone who really doesn't care about me personally- but just wants to have that token "friend with cancer") My surgeon says he sees maybe 2 cases a year. I just gotta be different you know? I was UNDERWHELMED with the oncologist I saw last week. We'll Call her Dr. K... if you're ever in need of an oncologist- contact me and I will give you her real name so you can avoid her. She was inching towards the door as I was asking questions... I guess i was taking up too much of her time asking dumb questions about my inconvenient cancer. Thankfully, I will not be seeing her again- I will be going to Dr. Cawley in Marietta. I'm actually anxious to meet her because I've heard nothing but RAVE reviews about her. So here's the skinny: I will be meeting with Dr. C to schedule IV chemo treatments until IPHP chemo surgery is optimal. Since I had the right hemicolectomy I should be waiting at least 3 months post-op before doing IPHP chemo to avoid complications and setbacks. (IPHP is also known as HIPEC.. if you wanna know more- http://www.appendix-cancer.com/Peritoneal%20Chemotherapy%20and%20Intraoperative%20Peritoneal%20Hyperthermic%20Chemotherapy.htm ) Then more IV chemo for a few weeks until the second round of IPHP 4-6 weeks after the first. Then more IV chemo.I gotta say that though we may have gotten off to a rough start- Dr. A (my surgeon) is a kick ass guy. He doesn't pussy-foot around anything and wants to tackle my cancer with guns blazing rather than a "wait and see" approach like Dr. K was suggesting. If she had cancer I doubt she'd be okay with a wait and see attitude then. grrrrr.So now- I wait for the 15th when I visit Dr. Cawley. It's almost like waiting for Christmas... what will suprise me next? Hopefully a wonderful suprise like candy or a pony instead of the "Waiting for the Day after Halloween" suprise where your front door has been spray painted with some obscenity that only makes sense if you're a 15 year old. Then it's just sad.. not because your front door is vandalized, but because you realize that you're an old fogie. GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS!!!!I digress....I only know a bit more than I did yesterday, but I'm happy with Dr. A and his take caharge attitude. He seems to "get" the sense of urgency that I have.I don't know what the IV chemo will do to me, but I'll tell everyone right now- the SECOND my hair falls out in clumps, It's ALL coming off. I think I can rock a bald head... and I've always wanted to find out just WHAT my melon really looks like. No wigs for me- scarves, maybe... hats, maybe. But hell- if it's hot outside, it will just be SPF 45. ;)I want to add and stress that all the support, prayers, thoughts and well wishes I've gotten over the last 2 months has been overwhelming. I can't begin to thank everyone properly- so I "Pay It Forward" with you all in my heart. And I will continue to do so as long as I'm on this Earth- which will hopefully be a VERY long time. Remember to give your loved ones hugs and kisses... and NEVER miss a chance to tell them you love them with all your heart.Lata!Rachel

Cancer Schmancer

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 at 7:04pm Edit Note Delete
3 weeks after my colon resection surgery I met with my surgeon and the oncologist. The surgeon told me I'm healing well and that the incision looks good. He removed the right half of my colon, my appendix, 18 lymph nodes and my omentum fat... uh, yeah and the tumor that was about the size of a baseball. It's definitely stage 4 cancer because it traveled outside the colon to the fat, 8 of the 18 lymph nodes and to the inner abdominal wall. The name of the beast is "Signet Ring Cell Mucinous Adenocarnimoma" yeah- say that 3 times fast. That's the status report. I had to edit to add- "No, I do not have a colostomy bag, all is functioning as it should." I know a lot of you are curious, but didn't want to ask. :oPBasically since the cancer got out of the colon it's likely spread microscopically to other organs in the same vicinity. Those microscopic cancers can't be seen (duh) to be removed so I will be doing chemo- but not the IV chemo that's "systematic" that is the standard. I'll be undergoing an IP (intra peritonial) treatment where they put a catheter into your abdomen and wash your "innards" with chemo. Supposedly it's more effective for what I've got going on. That will be done next month after I've healed from the surgery. Then again probably in September. It's prety harsh so it's only done every other month 2 or 3 times- if it's not effective, then I'm going to have to do the IV chemo.so I go back in 2 weeks for a CT scan, then the following week I meet with the surgeon again and the oncologist again and the geneticist (sp?) to see if this is likey to be passed on to my girls. (cross your fingers that it's a big fat no) Then sometime after that I do the IP therapy. ugh- it's another night or 2 in the hospital (it's a good thing I like those people;).What the docs say is that this particular cancer is hard to fight and is not cureable- but it can be montored and fought now that we know it's there.I know there are plenty of stories about people given a certain timeframe to live and have beaten the odds. My story will be no different. I can kick even the "unkickable" asses. Though I've only been in 2 real fights in my life... I did kick their asses- muhahahahaI don't plan on going anywhere A.N.Y.T.I.M.E. soon, so get used to it.Thanks all for the continued kind thoughts and prayers!I will update when there is any more to tell!Right now, Iris is at Micki's house (for those of you not in the know- Micki is my great sister/chauffer) and Vera is at Mom's getting her 6 month nakey portraits tonight. I can't wait to see them, but for now- I'm feeling pretty tired (busy day) so I will take it easy tonight so I can be recharged to hang with the girlies tomorrow.Take care everyone- make sure you never miss a chance to tell your loved ones what they mean to you! NEVER!(((((Hugs)))))Rachel

Monday

Monday, May 25, 2009 at 8:34pm Edit Note Delete
Ugh- Day five. They are still waiting for my insides to get with the program if you know what I mean. That seems to be all the doctors want to know.I still haven't seen the surgeon who actually performed my resection. I SHOULD see him tomorrow- along with the Oncologist. I may have to have a blood transfusion because my hemoglobin levels haven't been anywhere near where they should be. The "on Call" doctors for the weekend haven't had the balls to make a call one way or the other. I can't wait to have an actual DOCTOR taking my case and acting on it.(from what I've heard- the On Duty doctors don't like making decisions for other doctor's patients.. like they're stepping on toes)I've been stuck more times than I can count- for IVs, blood draw, for heparin shots and so on. Most of the time it takes 3 or more sticks to get an IV started. Rolling, tiny veins is what they say. I guess I should get used to that- chemo will be a hayride..The incision on my belly is about 4 inches long-- they left my bellybutton alone, kinda.. but they said they went in between my ab muscles to dig around. No wonder I feel like I went 10 rounds with Rocky Balboa.I want to find out how soon I can start chemo since they told me that they found more nodules on the inside of my abdomen wall... and that they biopsied some of them, but there were a lot- too many to cut out so they left them in the hopes that chemo will kill them. The silver lining being that there wasn't any sign that the cancer had spread to my lungs or liver which is supposedly where the "Signet Cell Adenocarcinoma" likes to go after wrecking the first organ it gets a hold of.I can't help but think/feel like I'm just rotting from the inside out. And I am seriously on about tomorrow. That's when test results should be back and from the sounds of it- it isn't good. NO test results for the past 2 weeks have been anywhere near good.. more like the other end of the spectrum.I just want some friggin' GOOD news for a change- Maybe tomorrow is my day. This shit's gotta turn around sometime.

It's 5am

Sunday, May 24, 2009 at 5:00am Edit Note Delete
I've been up since 3. Micki spent the night in the room with me. Have I said I still don't know if it's sunk in? It's been 2+ weeks since the onset of symptoms that sent me to the hospital. I had a colon resection where they took half of my colon and sewed my small intestine to what's left of my colon. And now Not only do I have Colon Cancer.. it's possibly stage 4 Colon Cancer, and it may be what they call "Signet Ring Cell" cancer that is considered more aggressive and very hard to treat. Basically the Doc came in yesterday and told me that most people with that type of cancer don't live more than 5 years after diagnosis.What a crock of shit. I'm going to fight with every OUNCE of me. I have 2 beautiful girls that will be my strength. I had never discounted the possibility of getting cancer- I just never thought I would be only 33 and fighting for my life. I'm just going to come out and say it... Why me? This is stupid ridiculous. Like I said before- I don't even know that I can just cry about it because it's not real to me. It's gotta hit me a some point, but I'm mad more than anything right now.I will do all that's in my power to stay here so I can be a Mommy. It's going to be a long road- but there's nothing that would make me give up for even a second.

nowhere to go but up

Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 3:09am Edit Note Delete
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Basically that's what stage 4 is...i guess. I am simply pissed. of course I'm mad as hell. That's one stage of coping.... Hell yes I'm mad.the grief comes and goes. mostly just when I think that I might not get to see my girls go to prom. Screw that I'm going to fight with every ounce of energy I've got.

waiting is the hardest part

Friday, May 22, 2009 at 7:55am Edit Note Delete
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Let me first say that most everyone here at OSU Medical Center is great. BUT I came in 2 and had surgery... major surgery to remove cancer and to see what stage it was in. The surgeon evidently came out to tell Jason some stuff and Jason didn't take any kind of notes. He thinks the doctor said he got the tumor and some fatty tissue that the cancer may have seeped into. but at the same time Jason swears the doctor told him it was stage 4 cancer. > which is a very bad prognosis. jason COULD HAVE educated himself a little about cancer... ha says "stage four" like it's nbd. I have no idea what's going on. Mostly because I haven't even SEEN my surgeon. I thought I'd see him on his rounds this morning - nothing. I'm pissed that I've got tons of questions and no one to answer them And that Jason can't really remember what the surgeon told him. so I've been up since 4am thinking SOMEONE would be in to tell me about the CANCER they removed from my body.arrrgh!!