Friday, October 29, 2010


I've been neglectful of my blog. Honestly I've been neglectful of a lot of things. I need to send out thank you cards- I have 2 here that simply need stamps and I've not done a thing with them.
I think I'm depressed. But I really don't want therapy. I don't want pills. I just want things to not be as they are. I want my family to quit worrying themselves sick about me. I just ton't want to think- which is probably one of the many reasons I sleep a LOT. I FEEL tired. Really. I take one of my many anti-nausea pills and I'm ready to hit the sack for an hour or five.
Okay- so it's been a somewhat eventful week... finding a costume for myself, Vera and the husband. Iris has wanted to be Ariel for weeks now. Check.
We did Zombie Night in town but my usually macabre' daughter wasn't digging it as much as I thought she would, so the stay was short. (And we've had an extra in bed with us for a few nights now.) I really like doing neat food for Halloween parties so I put a little effort into that for Iris' preschool party- some meringue ghosts, cookies and swamp juice... it was mostly the boys who took care of that. :)
Tomorrow is the costume party we go to every year- my favorite!! I am going as Lucille Ball, The husband is Rorschach (sp?) from the Watchmen and Vera is a garden gnome... SO cute! I'm doing mozzerella ball eyeballs. We'll see how that goes. Last year I did breadstick bones, they didn't come out so well. I figure I'm not baking anything with the mozz balls that I can't screw up THAT bad.
Tomorrow is also Iris' soccer finale'. Three games and trophies. She did pretty well for not having a clue at first. I guess ballet is next. I can't decide ballet or gymnastics... just something fun for her to do. You get psycho parents with either... you know the ones: "GET IN THERE AND EXCEL!!!! YOU MUST BE PERFECT!!!" ugh.. Had a couple of THOSE parents with one of the kids on Iris' soccer team. And the kid was stealing the ball from teammates to score a goal. Sad really. Let them be kids for goodness sakes.
I digress.
Tomorrow night is also the much awaited trick or treat. New town, new neighborhood. We'll see how it goes. I always have high hopes, but lately it's turned out like my Halloween food. :)

The girls lately have been great except for fighting Iris at bedtime. I notice Vera becoming more attached to me, calling for me more, asking for me more and wanting to just be around me more. It really does wonders for me. She runs to me with arms out, she just walks up to me randomly with hands up saying "Hug too" and she's been saying "Love you too" for a little more than a month or so. That's about the most I could ask for. I get to snuggle with Iris so I feel a closeness with her that I hadn't felt with Vera until lately. Family life is about the best it can be.
It's times like this that make me worry the most.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

According to plan

Nothing ever goes as such.
Recovery is somewhat easy if you don't count the issues in the meantime.
Again, over the weekend, I had constant nausea and abdominal pains from food issues. I am only guessing here, but I think it is all attributed to the gallbladder surgery.
Ugh, who knows?
All I know is that I've called my Doctor the last 2 weekends in a row and I'm not calling her again on a weekend. And I'm NOT going to the damn ER like everyone wants me to do. They will give me a shot of phenergren and it will last a couple of hours and that will be it. Back to being nauseous. I've been exhausted and only really able to get to Iris' soccer game. Even then I was hurting and heaving.
Still nauseous days later- though I am closer to my goal weight. :)
I think my girls are getting used to the way things are and the way they'll probably be for a while. I do the less active things with them. Sitting on the floor playing people, painting, cooking, reading to them and so on. Nothing wrong with that. I just don't like being the 'lazy' mom. It's what I feel like.
So Mother Nature visited me this week for the first time in a year. The joke's on her though- I'll be back on chemo in a month knocking her back a few notches again. In your FACE lady!

Fall is my favorite season. Halloween, my favorite holiday. I am still dressing up for the yearly Halloween party, not as creative as I wanted to be with it, but dressing up none the less.
My house is slowly coming together. I actually put up TWO, yes, count them- TWO things on my walls yesterday. At this rate I should be in the running with the Louvre in a few Million years. I'm hoping to get some stuff printed and framed soon so this looks like a house that is lived in- instead of 'just moved in.'
And to actually get a hobby I'm going to start painting. haven't decided watercolors or oil yet, but I though I'd do little ones and sell them in May for a Relay For Life fundraiser. I will call them "Original Rachels." Who wouldn't want a piece of that? Maybe I'll even get an Etsy shop. I'll make millions!
Of course I can't decide what it is I'm going to paint. I'll let my brush do the work. hee hee.
I also need to start working out... have I said that before? Of course I have!!! But name one person around me that has the balls to say "Rachel, get off your ass and DO something!"

My Dad.

Although he doesn't use those words. I think it went more like "If you want to learn to ride my motorcycles, you need to start strengthening your legs to hold the bike up." Veeery diplomatic Daddy. :)
He's gonna get my treadmill to the basement and get me set up for weights with him. He knows I'll do it then because there are few things worse than disappointing my Dad. I just don't like doing it. Didn't like it when I was in high school, don't like it now. So Maybe it will work for me. Chemo and Cancer be damned, I'll get into shape sometime.
According to plan.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Well, it's been a week- guess what- i'm still pissed off about my situation. Surprise!
I won't go into it though. You all know how I feel.
Since last we saw the fearless cancer warrior- she was feeling sorry for herself.
New, just annoying developments since... I've developed hives from the antibiotics I was on for my incision infection. I broke out on Friday night and have been breaking out every 5-8 hours over the last 4 days. I went to the ER (didn't want to) because I was nauseous and throwing up any medicine I took, even on a sip of water.
Spent a couple of hours at the hospital, got an IV, some benadryl, zofran and steroids. That held me over long enough to eat but didn't keep away the hives. I haven't slept overnight since Thursday.
Last night I took a 3am trip to Wal-mart because it seemed like a better idea to get something done rather than to sit at home, in the dark and scratch myself silly. I was keeping my hands busy doing something other than think about my itchies. I made myself happy by getting Iron Man 2 (RDJ is my celeb crush) and got a CD.
A little 'Rachel' trip while I was shopping for grocery necessities.
I've broken out I don't know how many times and my Claritin and Benadryl and prednisone aren't doing much for me.
Just deal.
I actually DID get some sleep today but I don't want my days and nights mixed up... it seems to be heading that direction. Thank God for late night episodes of Jackass. Keeps me sane.
I'm gonna have to straighten them out before I head back to work. I'd LIKE to do it sooner than that.
If it's not one thing- it's another, ya know?
So that is the low-down on what's happening now. Nothing exciting, maybe not even noteworthy.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Real and Imaginary

It's 6:30am. I shouldn't be awake. I SHOULD be sleeping in my nice comfy bed, but instead I am on my couch, my cat on my lap, awake, thinking. They call it "Monkey Brain." I call it a pain in my ass. I'd much rather be sleeping and NOT thinking about cancer than unnecessarily awake extra hours TO think about it.
But here I am.
I think it's because my cat decided to sleep on me ALL NIGHT last night. Not that that in itself bothers me, but I think about the nursing home cats that hang out with old people who are about to kick it because the cat senses something and knows they're about to go. Unnerving.
So the cat is right here in my lap purring. I'm slightly creeped out.
I've been thinking more and more about the whole 'lymph node' involvement and what that could mean for me. Also the lack of complete debulking.
It's not fair. Yeah, I'm whining. But it's NOT fair. It's not fair that I've had THIS many surgeries and I STILL have life-threatening cancer. It's not fair that Dr. Arnold at OSUMC gets to spend his days carefree, without cancer and gets to spend oodles of money he makes from cancer patients he probably didn't help a bit. It's not fair that I have to worry all the time about my girls' futures... that they will end up being JUST LIKE those Disney princesses they love- with NO MOTHER.
Do you KNOW how hard it is to answer a 4 year old's questions about death when it's a real possibility? When she asks about the doctors and if they can 'fix' me? And how does someone 'get dead?' She cries at slow songs because she worries about me. How fair is that?

Unfortunately, the reality is that the only me they will know is the on fighting cancer. Surgeries, chemo, surgeries, chemo and so on. Tired, cranki, unable to keep up, getting others to do MY mothering responsibilities because I just can't.
It's bullshit.
I have decided to write a letter to Mr. Arnold, to be sent when I die. It will give him a real piece of my mind. Saying all the things I want to say to him- and I'll be enclosing a picture of my 2 girls for him to keep. So he'll know the children he left motherless. Because, YES, I DO blame him, and oncologists who only saw me as a number or just another body ripe for chemotherapy. None of my oncologists did any research for me. You'd THINK that an oncologist dealing with a rare cancer would be trying further an education, looking for new treatments or maybe a treatment they'd never head of before. Nope. They don't. And if YOU have cancer- don't think for a damn second that anyone is doing anything other than what is Standard Operating Procedure.
"Colon cancer? Wh-h-h-hell, THAT gets IV chemo. Hmmm, appendix cancer? That's, uh, in the colon, sorta, right? Eh, throw that in the colon cancer category, we don't get enough of those cases to worry THAT much about them. Oh, and I WON'T be looking any of this up for further information. Naaaahh. I'm sure that schooling I had YEARS ago gave me all the know-how I need to treat this 33 year old mother of 2 young children JUST like a 70-something with a totally unrelated cancer. Why not? She has good insurance."
Sons of bitches. All of them. Every one who DIDN'T bother for one damn second to look further than my medical record. Every one who didn't do a split second of research into REAL treatments. Every one who just went SOP and didn't bother to educate themselves on the HIPEC or even bother to GO ONLINE AND LOOK A DAMN THING UP. Every one who KNEW about the HIPEC but didn't bother to mention it to me. Every one who knew a diagnosis of PMP but didn't tell me.
Screw you all. I don't have to be nice.

So much for the 'Real' part. Was that real enough for ya?

I was trying to blog last night, but my phone wasn't having it for some reason. I wanted to tell you all about the coolest thing.
I went to Iris' preschool yesterday to pick her up because I'm feeling a bit better and am allowed to drive now (no pain meds). The teacher, Dawn, is wonderful and I almost always end up talking to her for a while every time I am there. She told me yesterday that they pray for me in school every day (it is a faith-based preschool) and that one of the girls there prays for her imaginary friend too. Her Imaginary Friend is Rachel Smith and she has pink hair. Dawn talked to her and asked her if I was her imaginary friend... I didn't hear her say 'yes' but Dawn said she did.
How cool is that? I'm an imaginary friend!
I just HAD to share that. Not too many people get to be an imaginary friend.

My staples come out tomorrow- a couple of them popped which is why there is a small issue with a section of it healing. ick.
At least I won't be dealing withh the damnedable staples anymore.

Well, I guess I'm off to bed to try for another 45 minutes of sleep- if I can get it.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

little Update

Not a lot to update. I've only been online through my phone on Facebook.
It's nice to be home with the girls, though I don't like the fact that I have to send them off every day because I am still not up to par with energy enough to keep up with them. I'm still not supposed to be lifting Vera- her 24lbs is a bit over my 20lb lift limit. Grrr.
I should be getting my staples out on Wednesday- though I have a bit of an infection on a section of my incision. I'm not a dirty person- I've been washing it and TRYING to take care of it, but being fat has overruled good hygiene. So in addition to my slew of pills- I now add antibiotics.
I can't wait for actual recovery, and am anxious to get back to work. Believe it or not. I'll be back sooner than expected. Wonder if that will bother anyone?!?