That didn't last long.

I wish I was talking about the chemo side effects... but sadly, no, I'm not. My beautiful-but fragile- fingernails have disappeared.
Damn nerves. It's amazing what one evening can do to your hands. Arrgh! I guess there's no sense in crying about it. I can try again.

Not much to tell today except that it's a new week- CAT scan and Dr's appointment tomorrow... I'll have something to tell then. Good, Bad or Ugly. You all will be one of the "Next to know" simply because I can't update this blog from my phone. I will probably be blabbing away on the way home from Columbus to whoever is available to talk. Which, come to think of it, won't be too many people since most will be at work. Hmm.

Maybe Ill just stay in Columbus and talk to some random stranger.

....And it hits me

I KNEW it! The simple act of just waking up this morning sucked. Sweaty and having to juggle a fannypack and the tubes and the gauze on my chest not getting crap wet while I shower. Then the snots flow freely and I'm hacking and nauseous. Pain in the ass. At least THIS THING comes off today.

Only about 3 more hours... I think.

My throat is tight, my fingers are numb, my intestines are unruly and my hands are shaking like a crackhead's. Good times.

And to think.... amongst all this: I have managed to stop biting my fingernails. Dunno how I did it. Maybe I just forgot to.

I'm hoping I have the energy to keep up with the girls tonite since they've spent the last 2 nights with my Mother In Law... I feel like an ass for being childless just to sleep, but I think I needed it. Actually- I could easily go back to sleep right now.

I'm feeling a bit weepy today- I think it has to do with the watery eyes I get from the Flourauricil (or however the hell you spell it) that I carry around in this damn fannypack. Like seasonal allergies. So it's like I'm already halfway to crying, so my body and mind just figure I'm supposed to go full blown crying. Just what about? Cancer? Stress? Tiredness? Money? Being a bad Mom? Shit. Pick one or all.

I haven't CRIED today. But the day is young. I'm sure I will muster up the waterworks over SOMETHING!

SO LONG FANNYPACK!!! I might just cry with joy!

I'm feeling okay today. Nausea is at full blast, cold sensitivity sucks, but it could be worse. Spirits are up a bit. Still dreading the inevitable low that will likely come tomorrow.

I've got an appointment in Columbus in a week for a CT scan and an appointment with my surgeon to talk about surgery plans. I think I'm becoming okay with the idea of getting a total hysterectomy when I get my IPHP just to get it out of the way. It's sad that the mere idea of having another child won't even be an option, but I am 98% sure that we won't be having more children. I want to be able to give the children I have all the attention that I can. Though I had considered having a third right after having Vera, I want to be able to spend whatever time I've got with them living it to the max. Not that I wouldn't have love or time for a third, but you know what I mean.

I think I've got enough on my plate for now.

Got lotsa sleep in the last 24 hours... then back to work tomorrow... then listing my house and gathering loan paperwork and all that jazz. Hectic, but it will all be worth it once all is said and done. Hooray!

I do have a worry that I can't disclose just yet. Not about me, it worries me more than that. More stress in a different dimension. Sucks. I am a talker- I am an open book and it's hard to know what to do for someone who isn't like me because I can't wrap my head around the idea of not talking about things that worry you. :(

So, other than the obvious and the undiscloseable, I'm doing alright.

Cancer sucks.

I'm not calling it done just yet.

So Round 12 of 12 today. Though I've got the fannypack and a tube going into my chest I'm not officially done with chemo until this thing comes off around noon-ish on Wednesday. I FEEL okay right now. A bit of nasty fatigue, nausea and numb fingers are the worst of it at the moment. But I am prepping myself for the peak that usually happens around Wednesday/Thursday.
THEN I SO look forward to this month-and especially March 5th since The husband and I are closing on a house then! Most likely the week after, I will be undergoing the second of 2 IPHP chemo surgeries. Score for me- I won't be able to lift boxes or heavy furniture... so I guess I will just have to supervise. hee hee. I'm so stoked to get moved and get the girls in a proper house. it will definitely be a stretch to make 2 house payments until we sell the old one- but we'll tighten the belt and do it. There's always a way. It will also be nice to know the girls will be comfortable- in REAL rooms with REAL doors... and the dogs will probably be very happy to have a refuge from the girls when they get too crazy. :) When we get moved- I will post pictures... We may not be going to Disney World but we can make our own fun no problem where we'll be. So many possibilities!! The stress from making 2 house payments will be worth the weight of "I have to get the girls a better place to live." lifted off my shoulders.

Happy Today.

Horizons

Well, it's the last week before my last treatment. And a whole new angst has set in. In the midst of IV chemo treatments, it's easy to just think of (and dread) the upcoming # of rounds. Now, I wonder if all this has been effective or is a CT scan just gonna show that it did nothing. Hoping that scans are clear and that since my skin, teeth, gums, sanity, nerves, tastebuds, digestive system, mothering skills, wife skills, temper and emotions all suffered over the last 7 months- that those stupid cancer cells suffered more. DIE! DIE! DIE! Cancer Cells!!!!!!!!
I am not looking forward to the IPHP surgery but it's gotta be done, and I'll be on the other side of it soon enough. It's usually just a cloud when I'm in hospital. I'll be happy to have a room to myself if I can get one (gonna see what I can swing- since the nursing staff seemed to like me alright) and I'm hoping to have a laptop so I won't be TOTALLY bored in the middle of the night and I can blog away. Should be interesting- drugged up thoughts.

In the meantime, as a Public Service, I thought I'd mention a little tip for others with chemo side effects. I've found that drinking out of glass or plastic is MUCH better than any kind of metal. I had bought a metal water bottle with the intentions of drinking lotsa water... to me, it's simply foul out of that. And what sucks even more is that I don't know that I'll even use the bottle again even after side effects fade- it's more mental now. Guess I'll give it away or something.
Just recently- my gums have been sore/sensitive... and I know it's from the chemo, I just thought I'd escape THAT particular side effect. No such luck. It HURTS to brush my teeth, so I got an extra soft toothbrush. And to add to that- minty toothpaste kinda burns with the cold sensitivity- so I got smart and just started using my 3 year old's Dora Bubblegum flavored toothpaste. Voila! Better! Just a couple of 'solutions' if you will, for my problems. Maybe they'll work for you. Hopefully you don't even have to deal with stuff like that.

SO Close!

As I approach the final round of chemo, it would be an understatement to say it will be a relief to be done with it. I was actually proud of myself for the past couple of days for not getting all weepy and emotional- focusing on the home searching/buying process... looking forward. Though that, in itself, can be depressing too. I look at the house and wonder if I'll be there to send my girls down the steps to the front door in their prom dresses... in their caps and gowns... or to help them pack up a car for college.
I try, for now, to focus on the now. But honestly- NOW- is hard too. I wonder if that will ever go away. Will I ever NOT wonder what I won't be here for? Once you hear "You've got Stage 4 Cancer and it's not cureable." You wither a bit. Oh yeah, you can be strong.... for stretches but it's virtually impossible to be Richard Simmons level of optimistic. :) (though I love him!)
I think what breaks me down the most isn't the idea of dying... I mean, everybody's THOUGHT about it at one point I'm sure, but it's a different twist when it's more of a reality. You want to get your affairs in order and make sure those you trust will follow through with your wishes. It's that I won't be around for all that I should be. I guess it's like not wanting to go to bed at night when you're a kid- you're SO afraid you're gonna miss something great!
Normally I'm a procrastinator- but I don't know that I have the luxury of time anymore. All research suggests that what I've got has an 18%-28% survival rate at 5 years after diagnosis... and I'm almost 1 year down already. Gotta be real. Not that I plan on just signing out at the 5 year mark, but let's be honest with ourselves.... anything past that mark is a gift. Tick-Tock.
So to put a spin on this less than sunny post- I sit here with the best of nausea, fatigue, stomach cramps, numb/sensitive fingers and allergy/watery eyes, but I know there is a good reason I'm putting up with these side effects. Eyes on the prize- and that prize is being able to be with my family and friends for as long as possible.
Plus, your lives would be so boring without me. I gotta keep you entertained. :)

Round 11.

No problems yeserday. Feeling tired and nauseous and the cold sensitivity is back- full blast. Oh well- one to go. One to go.
Feeling okay mentally. I hope it holds this time. I hate being weepy. blah.
Jason actually went with me yesterday. It was the first time he'd even seent he inside of the Strecker Center. I'm sure he was bored- there's not much to do but watch your loved one get pumped full of drugs. He brought plenty of books.
After all this is said and done, I get another CT scan (and will get one every 3 months for 2 yrs then every 6 months after that for the rest of my life.) and surgery and surgery and surgery. Could be worse I guess. I could just simply NOT be here to get the surgeries right?
Silver lining... siiiiilver lining.

WTF?!?!

You know, my medical situation is so 'effed up that even labs can't figure it out. There's signs that I have Lynch Syndrome which predisposes you to all kinds of fabulous cancers. (it only leaves out a couple) But the lab where they sent my blood sample couldn't get ANYTHING from my tests. INCONCLUSIVE. The dude from the lab called the Strecker (where I get my chemo and such) almost in tears because he's "Never seen anything like this before." (I've mentioned this in a WAY earlier post) Dr. Arnold said it may not be heriditary because there were no polyps anywhere else in my colon (TMI?) and if it IS heriditary- he's gonna just remove my entire colon. Guess that's probably just around the corner. Along with a total hysterectomy. not like I'm gonna use THOSE parts again.

Then there's the matter of what type of cancer this actually IS. I was told colon cancer in the beginning, then appendiceal cancer, then they're just calling it mucinious adenocarcinoma of the colon. All are on my paperwork at different points- because they can't figure me out.
I never really did ANY research on Lynch Syndrome when they said something about a DNA mutation. It never occured to me to do so. But as of lately, I've been researching a bit. And it's not good. It makes me cry to think I've probably passed this onto my girls and it pisses me off to think I'm gonna be battling this shit until one of us wins. What a mess.

Thinking Of Others

I am so glad I found this Blogosphere- It's allowed me to connect with others diagnosed with rare cancers... specifically appendix cancer. While I live in the Chemical Valley, I haven't been able to connect with someone in a relative situation to mine 'in person'.
But HERE- I've found (or others have found me) others in different stages, different treatment stages, of similar cancers and we are learning tools for each other. I found HOPE in a blog from someone with exactly the type and stage cancer I have, (http://appendix-cancer.blogspot.com/) after looking at the 'numbers' and seeing that making it 5 years past my diagnosis date would be next to a miracle- her blog and informative page made me think 'I can BEAT this and be another success story'.
I've also connected with others diagnosed mere months after me. Cheryl (http://appendix-cancer-sucks.blogspot.com/) found me only a few weeks after I started this blog- and recently Sheboygan Dan (http://www.oncoloblogy.com/) found me. Though I don't know ALL the specifics of others' situations, we exchange positive thoughts and sympathetic 'ears' when feeling like, well, poop.
I was thinking of Dan in particular today- he had the IPHP/HIPEC/Shake and Bake surgery on Friday and I'm keeping up with his updates. His family has been nice enough to update when he can't... he's busy healing!! I totally feel for him because I've been there (ugh and will be again) with the surgery at least. I was glad to be able to at least give him a little insight into what it would be like. Not knowing what to expect is probably one of the worst feelings to have- and to have that worry on top of the worries you already have when you've got cancer just sucks on toast. I'm hoping he has a speedy recovery and can update his blog soon. I thoroughly enjoy reading his posts!
Of course this is not meant to diminish anyone who has posted words of inspirtation or understanding- or anyone who simply reads this blog.
I was talking to my mother in law the other day- when I was feeling so low (Tunnel's End post) she suggested I find a support group for cancer patients/survivors. Though I'm SURE it's good for others- I just can't see myself doing well with a sit-down support group. I think I'd be a blubbery mess. And I DON'T like being like that. I mean, it's good to sit and vent but it would be me, me, me... waahhhh. I'm just not crazy about the idea. This blog is my support group. I get what I need to get off my chest and I don't actually MAKE anyone read this so no one is subjected to my rantings... they (you) read because you WANT to. And that fact does wonders for the self-esteem. So I thank you!

A better day....

So, I gave up the funk. What a difference a day makes.

I still feel like hammered dog poo, but the attitude is shifting. Like it always does on day five after chemo. If you notice my whiny posts are almost always between day 2-4 after a treatment. So effed up that drugs can do that. When I was in high school- the word "drugs" kinda meant something fun. Not now. I could be TOTALLY happy if I never had to even take a friggin' tylenol again. I punched out one of my pills today and literally heaved at the idea of taking it. Of course, I wretch at almost anything these days. My mouth tastes SO much like chemo- I think I could chew it. Yum! And not to mention that my breath probably smells like a chemistry lab.
There's simply NOT enough Orbit gum in the world.
Though I can see the next "Dirty Mouth?" commercial featuring - ME! Picture it: Sitting in the chemo chair, getting pumped full of all kinds of chemicals, then munching (you know, I'm throwing up in my mouth a little just typing this) on the "lunch" they bring you... nastyness... then smiling with a green cloud oozing from the corner of my mouth.
Then the perky little lady shows up. Ching! I make a Mint off the royalties. Right.