Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Shortness.

It's been fairly quiet the last week or so.  I had chemo on Thursday last week.  I have to go early to get the festivities started so I'm not there until 6pm like last time.  They start pushing the meds a little faster and your body doesn't know whether to sweat, sleep, cry, run away or what.  It's a discomfort that I can't even describe.  I LOATHE it.  And the pills I'm supposed to be taking as part of the trial make me want to throw up just looking at them. 
I'm trying to get organized because  I don't want to leave behind a mess for the girls because there's so much I want to make sure GETS left behind.  Gotta pic and choose.  Since I'm just leaving a big tote full of stuff of 'me'.   Cards for each of their birthdays up to 20 or 25.  Then wedding cards, graduation cards.  I'm working on a journal of just feelings and what happened each day.  My sister will have to dedicate a nice portion of her house to "Rachel Stuff".
I've said it before- and I'll say it again... If you have cancer you should get a personal assistant.  Some of the information out there is wrong,  and some is just ignorant.  No one knows when it's time to see a specialist, so they can' make the right decisions.  Plus Someone needs to be the asshole and demand the real answers- the patient shouldn't have to play the bitch role.

That aside- Iris started Kindy for real on Monday.  She loves it- all happy faces when she comes home.  The only problem... she wants to ride the bus.  I wouldn't care except logistically it doesn't jive so she's gonna have to suck it up.  She may ride on occasion since I am no longer allowed to drive.  Yeahhh.  So I have to depend on someone who can go "Right Now".  So someone at my beck and call.
Then in 2 weeks- Vera heads to Preschool 2 days a week- 9:30am-1:30pm.  I don't know if that makes me feel guilty or feel better that I'm not just shoving the girls off to my mother-in-laws while I sleep.
I really can't get enough sleep.  I just can't.  But I'm going to start dividing up some REAL times to be with them- quality- and quantity.  Mommy guilt is the worst kind.  No one is harder on you about your kids than YOU are right?  I'm going to try reading this book "The Council Of Dads."  And possibly get that rolling.  Then there is a thumbprint necklace that I want to get for each them.  And I HAVE to get those 2 lullabies recorded for them.  Even if it IS just me talking singing into my microphone on my phone. 

My friend, Karen came in for the past weekend to visis just a couple of days.  She was here last Thanksgiving if you met her.  It was wonderful to see her.  She rushed to get the ticket because she's afraid I'm on my way out.  Hey- nothing wrong with being honest.  I do look like death, but I'm working on it and I'm sure it's hard for people to see me at all.  Ick.
Karen waited on me- beck and call.  We didn't do much but talk and I'm glad.  I'd have rather done that than go out clubbin' or whatever.  She hugged me goodbye like it's the last time she would see me.  I guess it's possible.  I think like that sometimes- but not always.  You can swim in that self pity until your fingers get all pruny, it doesn't do any good.  Don't get me wrong- I've been known to do that, but something snaps me out of it.  I count on it.

For everyone who sent cards and flowers- thank you a million times over.  Each act in itself is a pick-me-up.   Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

If you want to know about me and my physical being- I'm still sick and I think I find another cancer nodule on my torso every other day.  Some days I'm good to go- and could take on the world- other days I just need to sleep until it isn't possible to sleep anymore, I feel nauseous, can't eat, am sore all over for no reason and so on, and so on.  But I think the days are close to even.

And I don't know what to think about the next plan of action.  I don't have one.  Maybe the ovarian chemo.  Rally I'm just waiting on that vaccine to work.

Okay everyone- hug your babies- even if they are sticky.

Best,







4 comments:

  1. Oh Rachel I love your honesty as I know how hard this is for you. Life just isn't fair and right now it sucks. You have 2 beautiful girls who love and need you and only God knows how long you will be with them but something tells me it will be a while yet. You are a wonderful mother and will do all you can to be here for your girls. You will know when it is time to say goodbye, and it will be okay. The girls will always know your love, you are a part of them forever. Sending prayers, hugs and love every day...:-)

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  2. I hope you haven't had to deal with all the Hurricane Irene nasty weather this weekend, but wanted to let you know I continue to intend and pray for improvement for you. Being sleep-deprived at any time is difficult and it must be like trying to haul an elephant up stairs single-handedly for you right now. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you.

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  3. Rachel, I just chanced upon your blog a couple of days ago while browsing. I was a not very active member of the August 2006 babycenter birth club and I remember you from there. My son is the same age as your older daughter and it breaks my heart to think of what you are going through. I want you to know that your spirit is truly admirable. I don’t know how many people would manage to keep fighting the way you do. It must take immense strength and courage to do so. That is in itself a great lesson in life for your two daughters. You will always be their mother and they will always be your daughters.

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