What Seemed To Be The Downward Spiral.

How do you know when it's the end?  Is it a gut feeling?

Last Monday, I had a round of Erbitux and the trial drug.  I feit 'fine' for Monday-... was somewhat easy to get out of bed even Tuesday morning as I took Iris into her first day of Jumpstart at school, but then the day and week just started going downhill.  I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't eat, I couldn't focus.  I figured it was just the chemo and that it would eventually wear off.  Only slight improvement with each day
Saturday I thought I felt a little better but still couldn't get out of bed.  By 4 in the afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore and told the husband that he would have to take me to the ER.  I was waiting for my mother to get there to watch the girls.  In the meantime- My sister showed up and called 9-1-1.  I got in the shower while we waited because I didn't want to smell when the potentially hot EMTs showed.  It was tough and emotional becasue Iris was inconsoleable and Vera was following suit.  I didn't know what to do.  It was traumatizing, I couldn't see straight- it took every ounce of me to move my legs one in front of the other  I felt like I was knocking on death's door.  I think a million things and nothing all at once.
The EMT driver was hauling ass to the hospital and once we got there, poof! My Dad was there and My sister was there.
I got Dilaudid and Ativan and I was good to go.
A stomach/ chest  x-ray showed and ileas and that pretty much took care of that.   I  was admitted that night with the hope that they would insert a tube to my stomach for relief and all that jazz.
BUT, 
You Guessed it, there's not enough roon to get that done safely,  too much tumor. Hmmmm now where have I hear that before?  So now I look into other trials.  Pittsburgh, Dallas again?!  Wherever.

So for now, I am playing out my "I am pissed at the world"  Then when I'm done with that, I'm going to go balls out (even though I don't have any) and get every weapon I can get for an arsenal of fight.  I WILL make it to 40.  That's not too much to ask- besides- I figure prayers should be like a petition... once you reached so much - you should have to stop an take real notice and give it some scrutiny.


Yep.