Friday, November 13, 2009

It gets rough.

I'm glad I have a blog to vent- but I try to collect my thoughts before sitting down and pouring my heart out. If I'd have gotten online last night- It would have been a mess to say the least.
I can't understand how it is that I inspire anyone. I am not NEAR as strong as people seem to think I am. I whine, cry, get short-tempered, binge eat, starve myself, scream and pout when I'm mad at the world. Not all the time, and I'm certainly not going to go out in public or even out of my house when I'm feeling like doing any of those. So no one really sees that side of me. I don't cry that much, but I could if I thought about it enough. All the side effects are increasing in strength and there are times I wonder if I can do 6 more treatments of this crap. I know I don't have the side effects that most people know of when the word chemo comes up and the side effects are weird. Who the hell would think of a "cold sensitivity" side effect? Sometimes I get the idea that people think I'm faking because one minute I'm good, the next I'm exhausted and bitchy, then I'm good again.

Funny... or SAD thing is, with the cold sensitivity is a "hurt" when taking a first bite of something. You know- when you eat something sour and your jaw aches for a minute? THAT. Only it hurts worse and it's not with sour stuff, it's with EVERYTHING. That pain kicks in on the sides of my face when I cry. So yep- it hurts to cry too. Can't win for losing.

So it's become another "poor me" post. What an inspiration I am.


  1. Rachel, it is perfectly okay. You have the right to vent. This is a safe forum. We are all here to support you and to learn from each other.
    Cancer sucks! I hope your next round of Chemo isn't as rough. Write down everything you want to talk to your doctor about. Hang in there, and I hope you get some relief from the side effects!

  2. Rachel - you are strong just for getting through each day and being who you are. I'm sorry the side effects are getting so bad - hopefully your doctor can help you with that. I agree with the previous comment, though - this is a safe place where you can say what you need to say - that's the point, right?

    Lots of prayers coming your way!

  3. Rachel, I have the same side effects and it is certainly ok to vent anytime you need to. I hope you get a break from the side-effects.

  4. Chemo sucks ... take care of yourself.

  5. Actually, you are inspiring and I'll tell you why. When I was first diagnosed I did a google search for appendix cancer and as you know there isn't much out there...but up popped the path leading to your blog. A post like this makes me know that all the things I felt when I was on chemo were "normal"

    I too was frustrated over not knowing when and how bad things could get. I don't know yet what treatment path I will take just yet but I do know that I will deal with it with as much grace, humor and honesty as you have shown. That is my goal. We don't meet our goals every day but if we at least try thats saying a hell of alot about us.

    You an inspiration and I felt compelled to let you know why I think that

    Thanks :-)

  6. Thank you everybody- And Cheryl, I wish you all the best in whatever treatment you go for. I appreciate your thoughts!
    Kick the hell outta cancer lady!

  7. i cry all the time and i don't have cancer <3 you inspire me because you are going through so much and are such an amazing person especially to your girls. i can't imagine the hurt you must have felt when you first got the news and from day one you seemed determined to keep fighting no matter what - that's inspiring. keep on being great and keep fighting!