Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm just here for the food.

So evidently if you're doing WELL on chemo- you GAIN weight. Yay me? I really thought (and hoped) my fat ass would shrink with a little chemo assistance. No joy. I will not give REAL numbers, but it's a lot. So in the last year and a few days- here's what my weight has done. I was at my highest weight in a while (due to being PREGNANT) in December of last year. From that point I lost 32 pounds (yay)then spent the month of May NOT eating while getting sick, diagnosed and having surgery- dropped another 20. (that's not the right way to lose weight I know) Then as soon as I could eat again- I gained 15 back over a couple of months. THEN I started Chemo. I have now gained 18 pounds from THAT point.When I got on the scales yesterday I wanted to cry.... Okay- I DID cry. Though I know I'm weepier now than I've ever been in my life, and I never know what will set it off. I sat in the exam room for 30 minutes waiting on the Doc... crying. Blah. Not like blubbery crying, but just leaky eyes. Wahh me. Looking at that HUGE number, it just snowballed. I am to blame for the weight gain. My mouth constantly tastes like chemo and I try to chew gum, but I hate doing it when I am one molar lighter because of a screwup by my orthodontist 16 years ago so I have THAT to think about. So I eat to keep the tase out of my mouth. I am tired and I don't always have heathy options at my fingertips. Waah me. Excuses, excuses- again.Dr. Cawley wrote an order on my medical file "Cancel patient weights forever!!"

That's my record. Dr. Cawley is officially THE coolest Oncologist EVER!

So, while talking to Dr. Cawley we've decided to give the oxcilliplatin another go on the next round. (that's the stuff that sent me into anaphylactic shock on Round 7) But this time, we're gonna prep for it I guess. Sterroids, benadryl, claritin and zantac the day before to ready me for it. I think I'll ask a chemo buddy along for the ride- just in case I fall asleep... OR CAN'T SPEAK!
Gonna be a fun one. Whoever it is should probably bring a camera.

Aside from feeling like a lardass, I'm feeling pretty good- considering. Your good days are the equivalant of an "OK" day before cancer. I'll take them. Though after my weight breakdown, Dr. Cawley decided I should try some Zoloft because chemo suppresses seratonin levels which causes the rollercoaster of emotions. I'm not filling the perscription yet. There's the whole stigma of being on anti-depressants. And being married to a guy who is vehemently against chemical help- doesn't HELP me.

I Digress.

As I've said before- it always seems to be the days I'm rockin' the fannypack that are the rollercoasters.

In a different vein (no pun intended) I took my Iris to see "The Princess and The Frog" Sunday. It was her first Movie Theater experience. She did well. Drank too much and had to pee right before the Princess kisses the frog- but I think we got the concept. It was a CUTE movie. A little dark, but with the good comes the bad right? Then we waited in line to see Santa. And when i say "See Santa" I mean it. Iris got no closer than 10 feet from Jolly Ol' (30 year old) Saint Nick. Kris Kringle looked more like Chris Smith- Public Defender. Oh well. Iris asked me to call Santa to tell him what she'd like on Christmas Day. Bathtime Ariel is what she wanted. I think he said he can swing that. I love Christmas- and it's WAY more fun with a kid that "gets" it. In the car she asked if it was Christmas yet... "No," I said, "It's Christmas SEASON right now. But there is only one Christmas DAY."
"Ohhhh." She said. "Okay! I love Christmas Season. And Baby Jesus's Birthday. Can we make him a cake?"
I love that little girl.

She and Vera are by FAR my True Strength and my Biggest Weakness.


  1. I wish I was closer... I would cook you up some meals to have on hand, of course, I'd have to get a new cookbook to find anything healthy. My husband has a problem with butter and heavy cream, I think we should call him Mr. Paula Dean... but then he complains about the 40# he has gained since being married.
    My husband is also against chemical help, but I took anti-depressants after battling post partum depression and it made a world of difference, things were apparently worse than I realized, but I know that its a really hard decision. Good Luck and we'll be thinking of you.

  2. I appreciate the honesty of your post- putting your feelings and frustrations out there. Hang in there, and I hope you are able to find some joy this Christmas!

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  4. Your blog is kicking my blog's butt, dang it. Having a cute daughter offering to bake little 8 lb 6 oz Baby Jesus a cake? No fair. And then you get comments from some mysterious "dangerous disease awareness" group, probably from their secret volcano lair? I am humbled. Have a good Xmas!

    Sheboygan Dan

  5. One more thing--I've been taking paxil. I had the same stigma/don't want chemical help issues. It took about a month for the paxil to work and for me not to feel so tired from it, but I think it really helped. Screw any stigma, I say, at this point. I plan to wean off of it after my major surgery, I hope. Again, enjoy Xmas!!!

  6. This is a touching post, Rachel. I'm glad your Doc seems to have sense of humor and compassion. I'm glad you have those two little girls lighting up your life. They are amazing.

    Merry Christmas.

  7. LOL Dan- Your Blog is much more interesting to me than my own. I think with your Christmas Zombies- you may have tied my cute, cake baking daughter. :)

    I AM curious about the Secret Volcano Lair. If I get invited there, you can be my +1.