Monday, December 14, 2009

Thinking Out Loud

It's been a pretty uneventful week as far as Cancer goes. Chemo went smoothly, the side effects from the Oxicilliplatin are still lingering, even though it's been 3 weeks. My fingers are a weird numb and cold can still hurt if it's TOO cold.
You know, there isn't a day that I don't think about having cancer and just HOW long I will be here to fight it. Don't get me wrong- this isn't a Mad, Depressed or Vengeful post- really just thinking. I kinda feel like a loner in the crowd sometimes... I know I'm not alone, but it FEELS that way occasionally.
I look around and see people being jovial, seemingly carefree, and I'm momentarily convinced that they don't have serious issues to deal with like I do. BUT then I have to think about how I look to others who may not know MY story. I guess I look carefree to them until they see my port incision scar and even know what it is. I hate that cancer is now a permanent fixture in my life. Not curable. Fight forever. And so I will. I think it's pretty ridiculous that a shitty disease gets to affect me and my loved ones so much when it's not welcomed. Nobody pays attention to the 5 tattoos I've got- and I WANTED them. lol. I guess they're not life-threatening so not "note-worthy."
I accept the diagnosis. I get it. And I am fighting- but admittedly- I get TIRED of doing everything that I "should" do. Drink plenty of water, Eat lots of veggies, not a lot of meat, take your vitamins, exercise, get outside, stay positive, don't eat fast food, watch your weight, meditate, blah, blah, blah.
I would LOVE to do a "No processed foods" diet, however, in reality:
1. I am Not versed enough in the whole thing to pull it off on a constant basis.
2. I'm not Rich enough to do it like I would like to.
3. I'm Not organized enough to pull it off.
4. I'm Not patient enough.
5. I either DON'T manage my time effeciently enough or simply DON'T have the time to do it.
6. I'm not supermom, as much as I'd like to be.

All can be fixed I'm sure.

I need a whole life overhaul really. I can't even keep my kitchen table cleared off of the junk that plagues it... I'm sure there is something Halloween-related in the stack of papers on the corner. How the Hell am I going to get my proverbial shit together enough to orchestrate the perfect diet every day? At the same time, I don't think I want to deny myself yummy food. I know, I know- Everything in Moderation.
I can still want.
And I can still whine a bit and say "It's not fair!" I see thin, healthy women who eat whatever they want and don't have or GET cancer. Men that LIVE on junk food and chain smoke cigarettes, drink cases of beer every week and don't exercise at all... and they don't have cancer, or at least don't get it until they're in their 70's or 80's. WTF?!?!?! I will say with total confidence - I got a shit deal.

Eh, So I gotta do what needs to be done. I'm WORKING on doing the healthy thing. not that I was all junk food before. I tried to do healthy meals for my kids' sake and my own of course before the whole cancer deal even came about. I guess I gotta turn it up a bit and quit making excuses. It's one thing to CHOOSE that lifestyle, it's another to feel like you HAVE to do it.... or die.


I've said it before... Cancer Sucks.


  1. I can't comment too much on all the other stuff... but the kitchen table, now, I've got you there. Whats up with it? It always has crap on it, no mater how hard I try to keep it cleared (so I don't really try anymore).
    Oh well, I'd rather spend time enjoying my family than cleaning my table.

  2. This is a post I could have written, if I could have expressed what I feel. I think I get it. Keep at it. Dan (

  3. Rachel ... you are so right ... it's not fair and it sucks big time.

  4. Rachel,

    Wonderful post. You so eloquently explain the post-diagnosis so well. Why us? Why not the people who aren't even trying to be healthy?

    Your blog is great - keep inspiring.

    -Bill Baker