I start a new clinical trial on Monday. This one is a pill and a double-blind study. So I may not even GET the drug.
Let's not kid ourselves here. I don't like the phrase "Giving up" because I'm certainly not doing that. I'm waiting to hear back from the herbalist/guru and I am doing all that I can. I HAVE BEEN doing all that I can. I feel like I'm sliding down a cliff, grasping on to little roots and plants sticking out- tearing up my hands trying to hang on to rock ledges that are just enough for my fingers to grab. Yeah, you can hang there for a minute- but it's inevitable, you're going to keep slipping and falling until you have a REAL ledge to stand on.
I can't get enough sleep. The girls get up in the morning and I referee from the bedroom. Some GREAT memories they'll have of me, huh?
Luckily, they are at my mother in law's tonight, I am hoping that when I get up in the morning- I'll have SOMETHING that resembles energy. Maybe I need someone to come to my house and tell me to get the hell out of bed and get out of the house. But even when I'm out, I am sleepy. I can fall asleep in the waiting room... oh, and I talk in my sleep... no really. I can close my eyes for about 2 minutes and talk in my sleep to my dream. I even catch myself reaching for the stuff that might be handed to me in the dream.
I now have 2 lumps in my left breast and I'm finding little lumps all over. That- paired with the weight loss and general discomfort and lack of good news suggests the worst. So how the hell do I stay positive?
I have plans with the girls this month. I'm trying people, I'm trying.
Somebody tell me something good. And don't say "You have your kids" because at this point, that is the only thing keeping me sane. I need to hear something I don't know. I figure you'll come up empty handed.