Wednesday, July 13, 2011

On To The Next "Hope"

I start a new clinical trial on Monday. This one is a pill and a double-blind study. So I may not even GET the drug.
Let's not kid ourselves here. I don't like the phrase "Giving up" because I'm certainly not doing that. I'm waiting to hear back from the herbalist/guru and I am doing all that I can. I HAVE BEEN doing all that I can. I feel like I'm sliding down a cliff, grasping on to little roots and plants sticking out- tearing up my hands trying to hang on to rock ledges that are just enough for my fingers to grab. Yeah, you can hang there for a minute- but it's inevitable, you're going to keep slipping and falling until you have a REAL ledge to stand on.
I can't get enough sleep. The girls get up in the morning and I referee from the bedroom. Some GREAT memories they'll have of me, huh?
Luckily, they are at my mother in law's tonight, I am hoping that when I get up in the morning- I'll have SOMETHING that resembles energy. Maybe I need someone to come to my house and tell me to get the hell out of bed and get out of the house. But even when I'm out, I am sleepy. I can fall asleep in the waiting room... oh, and I talk in my sleep... no really. I can close my eyes for about 2 minutes and talk in my sleep to my dream. I even catch myself reaching for the stuff that might be handed to me in the dream.

I now have 2 lumps in my left breast and I'm finding little lumps all over. That- paired with the weight loss and general discomfort and lack of good news suggests the worst. So how the hell do I stay positive?

I have plans with the girls this month. I'm trying people, I'm trying.

Somebody tell me something good. And don't say "You have your kids" because at this point, that is the only thing keeping me sane. I need to hear something I don't know. I figure you'll come up empty handed.


  1. We have never met face to face, but you have touched me and I think of you often. What has touched me is Not only your figgt against this stupid disease, but your sense of humor. I get the feeling that you're a little sassy and ornery and I soooo enjoy people like that. So, I know it's not the kind of good news you need, but just know that this girl in oklahoma who has never met you thinks you're awesome!

  2. We have never met personally ( I "know" you through babycenter). I follow your blog & pray for you often. Your whole attitude towards what you're going through is A-mazing! You seem feisty, persistent and the love for your girls comes through loud & clear. So, all I got to say is right now, you're alive and kicking, so keep being a voice - a voice for you, for your girls and for this stupid horrible disease!

  3. You have a lot of people in your corner, praying and looking for options. Many of us have never met you in person (another Babycenter acquaintance here). That's got to count for something good, right?

    No doubt it is hard for you to deal with this horrid disease and its impact on your life. Your kick-ass attitude, your sense of humor, and yes your girls, are all tools in your arsenal to fight back. You are doing an amazing job.

    You snagged the last slot in the vaccination study - you'll get the drug in this study, and the two will team up to give you the ultimate weapon to get you back over that ledge and on solid ground.

    As the song goes, "My shoulders are small but you can cry on them, too."

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. sorry I messed up the website address

  6. I will say what your girls don't know to yet-thank you, thank you for not giving up-for working so hard to kick this in order to be with them, shape them, love them. Every day, every memory is precious to them, and we all know it would be sooo much easier to just give up. That's what we're thinking when we tell you how strong and courageous you are. You are in constant pain, so, so tired, the treatments left are exhausting, and sometimes downright nasty (the herbals).You are amazing and you need to hear it. Keep on going, Miracles happen when everything looks the bleakest-believe it, visualize it. Praying without end for you.

  7. I am also someone that has never met you, but you inspire me every day. My 2 cents worth is to just look at one day at a time. Don't think about how you will feel tomorrow or the day after. Find one thing to make today worthwhile, and concentrate on that one good thing.

  8. I tried to post earlier and it never appeared... but what I said was that I was going to do an intention with my group on your behalf... basically said that I was intending that all your healthy cells were overcoming the nasty ones, for the highest and best good of all concerned, so be it and so it is!!!

    But I did do what I said and just in one day got 14 replies... these are people who are praying/intending along with me for you, Rachel. Just a little bit of encouragement for you:

    Arno Theron: Rachel, I see you now in PERFECT health. So Be It and So It Is.

    Karyn Goff: I align with this vision! Amen! ♥

    Carolyn Harper: I see you at your grandchildren's birthday party

    Leigh Leiferman Heinze: So be it and so it is.

    Linda Shields: Aligning for her right now!!

    Margaret Schmidt: ANGEL TIME ..I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!

    Sharon Belcher Judd: I align with this intention.

    Victoria Harris: I align with this intention!

    Margaret Schmidt: Most likely her next step will be to remove? these lumps? If it gets to that post please, so I may "upload" an added "quilt square of LOVE AND HEALING" to my prayers for her.

    Luana Mauer: I see Rachel Healthy, whole and in oneness with the greater good of the universe from there she can only be.

    Gardenia Kock: I see Rachel's cell's dancing with joy and laughter, and gracefully reconnecting with vibrant health on all consciousness levels!

    ILona Byczek: I align...and so it is done.

    June Basiliere: I align with your intentions. I invision Rachel smiling and healthy and enjoying this wonderful journey of life amongst us. so be it and so it is.

    Diane Kerbaugh: I align with this intention.

    Diana Grogg: I intend that the "lumps" get smaller and smaller until they are non existent!

  9. Rachel, I have been praying for strength, comfort, and healing throughout this fight, just as a lot of people have. Now we are at this point and you're trying to stay positive and looking for encouragement. I can't help but say that if you're a believer in Jesus Christ and know Him personally, life can only get better. If death comes before healing, how great will it be restored to perfect health? We love you and want only the best for you! Jesus loves you even more than that and has great plans for you! Hugs from your Michigan cousin.