Sunday, July 10, 2011

Gotta Get Better Than This

I've been pretty much doing nothing since I last updated- there wasn't much to tell so I didn't want to bore you with "wahhhh."
Tomorrow I go to Canton- somewhere in Canton. I have to find it. They were supposed to send me information via e-mail but nothing. eh, we'll see.
My Mom is going with me so no worries about me going by myself.
This trial is evident a double-blind study where you're given on drug for sure and maybe the other drug with it. I haven't had either so fingers crossed that it will produce something good. I'm running out of happy juice. I believe the people around me are running out too if they haven't run out already. There has got to be a point where good news is genuine. Something promising, anything.
When my husband, who NEVER gets into deep talks, brings up the idea of me planning my funeral (for real) I know that the people around me are worried. He said he thinks that if something doesn't change soon that he doesn't see me around much longer. I honestly think the same thing too- I just don't say it out loud. I know it's upsetting to talk about and even to avoid. Some do a great job of not showing it- others, not so much. But it's come to the point where I now know that everyone is scared for me. Last time I weighed in at a Doctor's office, I was 138lbs. I haven't seen the 130's since I was 19.
And when you drop almost 60lbs this fast and don't have muscles and a flat belly and a Bowflex in your living room to show for it, it must be worrysome. I look awful. My legs are skinny, my neck is waddly and my eyes are dark. I finally look like a cancer patient I guess. Not that I wanted to be here- but that's it.
With spots in my lungs and a lump in my breast- there's too much evidence that I'm losing. I've looked up Peritoneal Carcinomatosis, signet ring cell adenocarcinoma, PMP and other stuff- it suggests this cancer RARELY moves out of the abdomen. But mine did. Go fucking figure. I beat the odds in all the wrong ways. How about beating the shitty odds given me about 5 year survival? Why can't I be THAT kind of statistic?

Well, here's to another Hope. And to hoping that this vaccine decides to start working ASAP.


  1. All the best for the drug that you are going to try for better results now.Travelling alone with ill health is not such a good idea so good that your mother is going to be wit you.breast reconstruction surgery Los Angeles

  2. You know I'm intending - still - that it works for you... lots of prayer energy in your direction for you and your husband.