Gotta Get Better Than This

I've been pretty much doing nothing since I last updated- there wasn't much to tell so I didn't want to bore you with "wahhhh."
Tomorrow I go to Canton- somewhere in Canton. I have to find it. They were supposed to send me information via e-mail but nothing. eh, we'll see.
My Mom is going with me so no worries about me going by myself.
This trial is evident a double-blind study where you're given on drug for sure and maybe the other drug with it. I haven't had either so fingers crossed that it will produce something good. I'm running out of happy juice. I believe the people around me are running out too if they haven't run out already. There has got to be a point where good news is genuine. Something promising, anything.
When my husband, who NEVER gets into deep talks, brings up the idea of me planning my funeral (for real) I know that the people around me are worried. He said he thinks that if something doesn't change soon that he doesn't see me around much longer. I honestly think the same thing too- I just don't say it out loud. I know it's upsetting to talk about and even to avoid. Some do a great job of not showing it- others, not so much. But it's come to the point where I now know that everyone is scared for me. Last time I weighed in at a Doctor's office, I was 138lbs. I haven't seen the 130's since I was 19.
And when you drop almost 60lbs this fast and don't have muscles and a flat belly and a Bowflex in your living room to show for it, it must be worrysome. I look awful. My legs are skinny, my neck is waddly and my eyes are dark. I finally look like a cancer patient I guess. Not that I wanted to be here- but that's it.
With spots in my lungs and a lump in my breast- there's too much evidence that I'm losing. I've looked up Peritoneal Carcinomatosis, signet ring cell adenocarcinoma, PMP and other stuff- it suggests this cancer RARELY moves out of the abdomen. But mine did. Go fucking figure. I beat the odds in all the wrong ways. How about beating the shitty odds given me about 5 year survival? Why can't I be THAT kind of statistic?

Well, here's to another Hope. And to hoping that this vaccine decides to start working ASAP.