Tat's AMAZING!

Well, maybe not AMAZING, but I got it anyway! I'd been itching for another tattoo to celebrate the end of chemo. I've got one on file (for when I've got the $$) that's of an iris and a Christmas star. For Iris and Vera (Vera means 'light' and she's my December baby). I also have plans on a 'bracelet' tat with the girls' names.

I'm sure there are some reading this who don't like tats but I DO and I feel like there's so much being done to my body that I don't really have a choice about- so I though I'd get something done that I actually LIKE.

So here is a picture of the tat. Freshly done. (and with salve on it.. aaaah.)

Thank you Sir, May I have another?

Got my pap (sorry fellas) results yesterday. Squamous cells, abnormal results. Good times. I'm just going to start collecting different colored ribbons.
Though in a way, I'm glad it was abnormal because now I believe Dr. Arnold will be removing my baby factory equipment. After that point, I won't have to plan on getting the ribbons for endometrial, ovarian and uterine cancers. Whee!
Though it seems that every time I go to a different doc- I've got some neat suprise. I have a mammogram next week. Can't wait to see what will come of that. And I'll have to have them every year or so. SQUISH!

I also thought I'd get a Colon Cancer star ribbon tattoo...



I just MIGHT do that today. I thought the back of my neck would be alright, then I can get a different colored star for each different cancer I get underneath that. I would just have a string of stars down my spine by the time I'm 40.

I'm in a funky mood today. Right now is just limbo. Waiting on my mammogram appointment, waiting on Dr. Arnold's decision, Waiting on the nurse's line at my OBGYN's office to call me back, waiting on surgery, waiting on the underwriter to approve my home loan so I can actually get the house, waiting on my sister to go totally ape crap on my mom and aunt because of things they said, trying to plan a fundraiser for Relay for Life and waiting on other's decisions about location, waiting on Saturday so I can go get totally polluted with one of my best friends to forget about all the shit I'm waiting on.

Waiting sucks... but not as much as EFFIN' Cancer.

WTH?

Why is my page suddenly "off" ??? I can't seem to fix it either. grrr

And so

Took me 4 hours to make the 2 hour trip to Columbus- Evidently a car wreck was to blame. So I got to my CAT scan appointment 1:45 minutes late- but they got me in fast, then I headed to my Dr's office right after. The CAT scan evidently wasn't ready to be read (?)

IPHP Surgery is scheduled for March 22nd. I asked about a hysterectomy while having the IP but Dr Arnold is hesitant about it. Mostly because I'm only 34... but really- Having Lynch Syndrome predisposes you to Ovarian, Endometrial and Uterine Cancers. I think I have a 40% chance of getting Ovarian Cancer within my life so just take them out. Gut me like a fish. I have already come to terms with the fact that I won't be having any more children- whether I have "Mommy Equipment" or not. Of course if something DID come up- I would welcome another baby, but our plate is full right now and I'm thrilled to have 2 super great girlies at home and I want to enjoy them while I can. He said if I have an abnormal pap- he'll do the hysterectomy.

I talked to Dr Arnold's office yesterday about the CT scan results. Not GREAT, but not horrible though I guess. All is "Stable" but there is still "Residual" fluid in my abdomen and pelvis. Meaning mucous. Stuff the tumor produced and didn't get eliminated with the first Chemo surgery. So if they hadn't planned to do the second suregery before, they would definitely be doing it now. Whatever.
I went to my Gyno yesterday for the yearly "deed" and getting a mammogram on Feb 23. I have a weird feeling something will show up on that one. I think it's because even when I was 19- I thought I'd die one of 2 ways: Drowning or from Breast Cancer. hmmm. Hopefully if it's either, I will be OOOOLLLDDDD and grey.

That didn't last long.

I wish I was talking about the chemo side effects... but sadly, no, I'm not. My beautiful-but fragile- fingernails have disappeared.
Damn nerves. It's amazing what one evening can do to your hands. Arrgh! I guess there's no sense in crying about it. I can try again.

Not much to tell today except that it's a new week- CAT scan and Dr's appointment tomorrow... I'll have something to tell then. Good, Bad or Ugly. You all will be one of the "Next to know" simply because I can't update this blog from my phone. I will probably be blabbing away on the way home from Columbus to whoever is available to talk. Which, come to think of it, won't be too many people since most will be at work. Hmm.

Maybe Ill just stay in Columbus and talk to some random stranger.

....And it hits me

I KNEW it! The simple act of just waking up this morning sucked. Sweaty and having to juggle a fannypack and the tubes and the gauze on my chest not getting crap wet while I shower. Then the snots flow freely and I'm hacking and nauseous. Pain in the ass. At least THIS THING comes off today.

Only about 3 more hours... I think.

My throat is tight, my fingers are numb, my intestines are unruly and my hands are shaking like a crackhead's. Good times.

And to think.... amongst all this: I have managed to stop biting my fingernails. Dunno how I did it. Maybe I just forgot to.

I'm hoping I have the energy to keep up with the girls tonite since they've spent the last 2 nights with my Mother In Law... I feel like an ass for being childless just to sleep, but I think I needed it. Actually- I could easily go back to sleep right now.

I'm feeling a bit weepy today- I think it has to do with the watery eyes I get from the Flourauricil (or however the hell you spell it) that I carry around in this damn fannypack. Like seasonal allergies. So it's like I'm already halfway to crying, so my body and mind just figure I'm supposed to go full blown crying. Just what about? Cancer? Stress? Tiredness? Money? Being a bad Mom? Shit. Pick one or all.

I haven't CRIED today. But the day is young. I'm sure I will muster up the waterworks over SOMETHING!

SO LONG FANNYPACK!!! I might just cry with joy!

I'm feeling okay today. Nausea is at full blast, cold sensitivity sucks, but it could be worse. Spirits are up a bit. Still dreading the inevitable low that will likely come tomorrow.

I've got an appointment in Columbus in a week for a CT scan and an appointment with my surgeon to talk about surgery plans. I think I'm becoming okay with the idea of getting a total hysterectomy when I get my IPHP just to get it out of the way. It's sad that the mere idea of having another child won't even be an option, but I am 98% sure that we won't be having more children. I want to be able to give the children I have all the attention that I can. Though I had considered having a third right after having Vera, I want to be able to spend whatever time I've got with them living it to the max. Not that I wouldn't have love or time for a third, but you know what I mean.

I think I've got enough on my plate for now.

Got lotsa sleep in the last 24 hours... then back to work tomorrow... then listing my house and gathering loan paperwork and all that jazz. Hectic, but it will all be worth it once all is said and done. Hooray!

I do have a worry that I can't disclose just yet. Not about me, it worries me more than that. More stress in a different dimension. Sucks. I am a talker- I am an open book and it's hard to know what to do for someone who isn't like me because I can't wrap my head around the idea of not talking about things that worry you. :(

So, other than the obvious and the undiscloseable, I'm doing alright.

Cancer sucks.

I'm not calling it done just yet.

So Round 12 of 12 today. Though I've got the fannypack and a tube going into my chest I'm not officially done with chemo until this thing comes off around noon-ish on Wednesday. I FEEL okay right now. A bit of nasty fatigue, nausea and numb fingers are the worst of it at the moment. But I am prepping myself for the peak that usually happens around Wednesday/Thursday.
THEN I SO look forward to this month-and especially March 5th since The husband and I are closing on a house then! Most likely the week after, I will be undergoing the second of 2 IPHP chemo surgeries. Score for me- I won't be able to lift boxes or heavy furniture... so I guess I will just have to supervise. hee hee. I'm so stoked to get moved and get the girls in a proper house. it will definitely be a stretch to make 2 house payments until we sell the old one- but we'll tighten the belt and do it. There's always a way. It will also be nice to know the girls will be comfortable- in REAL rooms with REAL doors... and the dogs will probably be very happy to have a refuge from the girls when they get too crazy. :) When we get moved- I will post pictures... We may not be going to Disney World but we can make our own fun no problem where we'll be. So many possibilities!! The stress from making 2 house payments will be worth the weight of "I have to get the girls a better place to live." lifted off my shoulders.

Happy Today.