Things in my head (and evidently in my body) are shitty right now.
It's hard to even THINK the word hope when it seems I've fallen so many times that I shouldn't even try to get back up. How much bad news is allowed? How long can one hold out for the good news that never seems to come? It's like a bad dream where I'm running down a hall toward that good news but the hallway gets longer and longer the more I run. Even though I'm exhausted, I don't like the idea of going to sleep because I wonder if I'll wake up. More fatalist thoughts. "This is my last Winter." "Vera will not remember me." "Iris might remember me." "The girls will call someone else 'Mommy.'"
My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer when her youngest daughter was 5-6 months old. Vera was 5 months old when I was diagnosed. My aunt died 2 years later. I am coming up on 2 years and shit for me just went downhill pretty fast.
There are 'options' I guess.
*Surgery: This would almost definitely end with me having a colostomy bag. At this point I don't give a damn. It's such a mess in my pelvis that you can't even tell where my uterus and ovaries are- there's too much tumor. Nice. They can't see my ureters either. It's just a matter of time before the tumors choke off my ureturs and bowels.
*Radiation: MIGHT be a possibility but the tumors are way bigger than what they do radiation on. A Radiation Oncology Doc is looking at my scans now to see what's possible.
I left a message for one of the docs in Dallas to call me. He called yesterday afternoon. He said the vaccine should keep the tumor from growing (if not shrink it). From how he talked, he seemed to have faith that the vaccine would work. I felt only slightly better.
On this clinical trial I can't do any chemotherapy- which is fine because none of them WORK. But I can have surgery and/or radiation. (Little triumphs)
I only have 4 days before I leave for Dallas. I feel like a ticking timebomb.
I'm drinking only water and occasionally milk and reading "Crazy, Sexy Diet" Thanks to Cheryl- I will be incorporating green smoothies into my life soon. Vegetarian may be next.
Whatever it takes.
I love you Iris and Vera.