Friday, January 28, 2011

A Glimmer... I Guess

Things in my head (and evidently in my body) are shitty right now.
It's hard to even THINK the word hope when it seems I've fallen so many times that I shouldn't even try to get back up. How much bad news is allowed? How long can one hold out for the good news that never seems to come? It's like a bad dream where I'm running down a hall toward that good news but the hallway gets longer and longer the more I run. Even though I'm exhausted, I don't like the idea of going to sleep because I wonder if I'll wake up. More fatalist thoughts. "This is my last Winter." "Vera will not remember me." "Iris might remember me." "The girls will call someone else 'Mommy.'"
My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer when her youngest daughter was 5-6 months old. Vera was 5 months old when I was diagnosed. My aunt died 2 years later. I am coming up on 2 years and shit for me just went downhill pretty fast.

There are 'options' I guess.
*Surgery: This would almost definitely end with me having a colostomy bag. At this point I don't give a damn. It's such a mess in my pelvis that you can't even tell where my uterus and ovaries are- there's too much tumor. Nice. They can't see my ureters either. It's just a matter of time before the tumors choke off my ureturs and bowels.
*Radiation: MIGHT be a possibility but the tumors are way bigger than what they do radiation on. A Radiation Oncology Doc is looking at my scans now to see what's possible.

I left a message for one of the docs in Dallas to call me. He called yesterday afternoon. He said the vaccine should keep the tumor from growing (if not shrink it). From how he talked, he seemed to have faith that the vaccine would work. I felt only slightly better.
On this clinical trial I can't do any chemotherapy- which is fine because none of them WORK. But I can have surgery and/or radiation. (Little triumphs)
I only have 4 days before I leave for Dallas. I feel like a ticking timebomb.

I'm drinking only water and occasionally milk and reading "Crazy, Sexy Diet" Thanks to Cheryl- I will be incorporating green smoothies into my life soon. Vegetarian may be next.

Whatever it takes.

I love you Iris and Vera.


  1. Praying for you Rachel! God is still in the miracle business!!

  2. This post was hard to read. I just can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, but I'm happy to hear that you still have a couple of options. And, hopefully, there will be more options in the future. Stay positive!
    I hope you'll enjoy "Crazy Sexy Diet". I watched Kris Carr's documentary "Crazy Sexy Cancer" a couple of months ago and loved it.
    I think it's a great idea to become a vegetarian or vegan! Good luck to you!
    You are in my thoughts.

  3. Okay...I know that you probably feel like if you take a deep breath right now you will shatter, but it seems like the doc in Dallas is still thinking that the vaccine will do what it is supposed to do, and if radiation and surgery are still options to got to hold on to the positive right now. You have to keep your head in the game right now, especially now. (I hope that doesn't come across is not meant to be!) You hold onto Iris and Vera and God, and whatever positivity and hope you can. We love you! Carla G.

  4. Oh sweetie you have every right not to feel "up" right much going on, who can blame you but somehow I feel you know what you have to do to get through this and you will do it. I am keeping you in my heart and prayers every day, your girls love you, you will do what you have to for them.

  5. I had the same thoughts the other day - why can't Rachel just catch a break. I pray that the hallway ends, you wake up and get out of this horrible dream. Stay strong, we're all on your side.

  6. Dear Rachel - This is a time when you have to INTEND and AFFIRM that the vaccine is going to work. No doubts. "I intend that this vaccine is working to kill and shrink the tumors right now!" Adding in your statement that this IS for the highest and best good of all concerned, especially those little girls of yours, and SO BE IT and SO IT IS.... with a whoooooooo up to the Universe so it knows to get to work right away for you. I am aligning with your intention and just like when praying, when others align with you, it has great power.

    I am praying as well so you've got lots of cheerleading going on from my neck of the woods. Hold on to the hope, don't give up because what if the miracle was just around the corner and you didn't get up and take those last steps to find it? I am intending that miracle for you now!

  7. I want to affirm your feelings and tell you its okay to be down. But I also shout GET BACK UP and FIGHT! Fight for your life. Fight for Iris and Vera, and all the others who love you. ~Whidbey Woman