My husband and I had a fantastic fight yesterday. Even though we were arguing and screaming at each other, he had some good points.
I have been more bitchy at home, I am moody, lazy and a user. I think what sucks most is that if I don't change it- THAT will be how my girls remember me.
I kinda feel like my grandma did when she figured out she would be deep in the throes of Alzheimer's eventually. She didn't want people remembering her as an out-of-it old woman... staring off into space and looking through you when you talked to her. It was hard for her-it was hard for the whole family watching her go through that.
I wonder if I'm doing good for my daughters, or would it be better to minimize my time with them. FOR THEIR sakes. I don't want them to remember blubblery, sobby, whiny, bitchy, crazy me. I'd rather them remember me without the drama.
I should just take off in a mini van and travel the country alone. I hate being a burden on everyone around me. My dad mows the grass because I need Jason to help me with the kids, he worries (Though he tries to stay tough, the fact that both of his daughters have/had cancer ca't be good on the parent heart). My sister has enough to worry about, My MOM has more than enough to worry about.
I hate being the load everyone else has to carry. I piss and moan and whine to friends... they probably have enough going on in their lives without having to humor me.
Right now I contribute nothing to anyone. And I don't know that it will ever change no matter how much I want it to. I can't get past being pissed at the world for this situation. Yeah. I'm still pissed. And bitchy.
and to make it all better. Getting Chemo right now, sweating, nauseous, tired. Waiting on that fannypack.
Fuck Cancer. I try not to use that word here. But really...F.U.C.K. Cancer... that's how I feel right now and dammit... it's my blog.