Monday, June 14, 2010

Wake Up Call.

My husband and I had a fantastic fight yesterday. Even though we were arguing and screaming at each other, he had some good points.
I have been more bitchy at home, I am moody, lazy and a user. I think what sucks most is that if I don't change it- THAT will be how my girls remember me.
I kinda feel like my grandma did when she figured out she would be deep in the throes of Alzheimer's eventually. She didn't want people remembering her as an out-of-it old woman... staring off into space and looking through you when you talked to her. It was hard for her-it was hard for the whole family watching her go through that.

I wonder if I'm doing good for my daughters, or would it be better to minimize my time with them. FOR THEIR sakes. I don't want them to remember blubblery, sobby, whiny, bitchy, crazy me. I'd rather them remember me without the drama.
I should just take off in a mini van and travel the country alone. I hate being a burden on everyone around me. My dad mows the grass because I need Jason to help me with the kids, he worries (Though he tries to stay tough, the fact that both of his daughters have/had cancer ca't be good on the parent heart). My sister has enough to worry about, My MOM has more than enough to worry about.

I hate being the load everyone else has to carry. I piss and moan and whine to friends... they probably have enough going on in their lives without having to humor me.

Right now I contribute nothing to anyone. And I don't know that it will ever change no matter how much I want it to. I can't get past being pissed at the world for this situation. Yeah. I'm still pissed. And bitchy.

and to make it all better. Getting Chemo right now, sweating, nauseous, tired. Waiting on that fannypack.

Fuck Cancer. I try not to use that word here. But really...F.U.C.K. Cancer... that's how I feel right now and dammit... it's my blog.


  1. In terms of giving and taking, the world isn't fair. Some people are going to be able to give a lot more than they take, and some are going to need to take more than they can give. And that is okay. Don't beat yourself up for having to take more right now. Anyone whom you are taking from right now is likely more than happy to give it. What fun is it if everyone is keeping score? And if they are, well then that's their own problem and not one that you need to worry about.

    As for your girls and how they remember you - don't disappear on them now, but if you need to take a breather and collect yourself, that's okay too. Or take a breather with your husband. If the breather means being 15 minutes from a beach, I've got a spare bedroom with your name all over it. Seriously.

  2. Rachel,

    I'm Dan's friend Beth and posted once before, to wish you luck before your latest surgery.

    It's horrifying to read you beat up on yourself so terribly. Why do you feel that you have to do everything for yourself, when I'm sure your loved ones want to do anything they can to be of help to you? I wish I lived near you-- I would insist on helping you with the day-to-day stuff that needs to get done so that you could focus more time on your girls.

    It seems like (from reading your blog) that the prognosis you got from your new oncologist has really broken your resolve to fight. But this doctor could be totally wrong!! I really wish you would get evaluated by one of the other specialists that Dan and others have recommended.

    I think you are a great person, daughter and mother and am really pulling for you.


  3. Yeah, What Maggie said. But seriously, there is no set script on how it is you are supposed to act and behave right now. I can't imagine that you can be bubbly, happy and making every moment a hallmark moment for your loved ones. Be real; be yourself. That way you are leaving genuine memories of the actual you behind and not some facsimilie that you thought your daughters should see. And seriously, you are contributing something to me. I love that I am able to read what is going on with you right now. Now, dust yourself off and keep being yourself. You deserve that.