Friday, June 11, 2010

You never know until you're there.

I was talking to a friend the other day about the "Live each day as if you'd die tomorrow" saying. And funny enough, another friend posted a blog ( yesterday about her love of books and the topic of "If you had a year to live, would you be doing what you're doing now?" came up.

I've had probably TOO much time to think about that. Well about that and about a million other things. It is simply impossible to "Live life to the fullest each and every day." Sorry. But yeah- IMPOSSIBLE. You know- the laundry still needs done, the toilets need cleaned, grocery shopping needs done, dinner needs fixed, I still have to work because we have bills- and unfortunately you don't get paid to just sit and have cancer- even if you're pretty sure it will kill you soon. Besides- while you're dying- it's hard enough to find energy to do all the things you think you should be doing. And if you DID have the money to do all the stuff you want to do and got to do it, you'd be friggin exhausted from every day. It's a bit funny to me to hear the "inspirational" songs "Live like we're dying" "Live Like you were dying" and so on. I AM dying and other than taking more pills and paying attention to what I eat, chemo and more doctor's appointments, I'm not doing anything that different. I do 'take in' more- I watch my girls play and whine to myself about not being here for all the stuff the girls will do when they are older, I snuggle them a bit more and squeeze them a little tighter. I cry at the drop of a hat. I look in the mirror every morning when I put on make-up and wonder if the mortician cosmotologist will put my makeup on the right way for my viewing. Will she or he put blue eyeshadow on me? Grrr. (I will HAUNT YOU IF YOU DO!!!!!) Will they load my lashes with mascara the way I like to? Probably not. Will my sister pick out a dress that I would pick out? I'm so picky- it's probably a good thing I'll be dead so I won't be self concious about my jiggle belly and lack of hips... maybe they'll bury me in my kymaro body shaper. (good luck getting it on me without my help)

That is MY version of "Living as if you only had a year left." Tick Tock.

I'm sure everyone is different. Some people go sky-diving, Rocky Mountain climbing, or 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu-Manchu (or however the hell you spell it).
Eh. Maybe I should write my own song. It would go something like this:

My house is a mess
and I could care less
Except when I have
certain guests.
I'd like to see
But Mommy guilt
keeps me.
What if I kick it
while I'm gone?
Who will recover my
Someone will see
my underwear.
And I could really use
a few new pair.

I don't know that I could sell that to any recording artists.

I'm not being pessimistic- REALLY. I'm just being real. There are things that will not be crossed off my Bucket List by this time next year. I'm okay with that. I only have 3 weeks of vacation from work. ;) Am I REALLY going to get to see Easter Island... probably not. Italy is a maybe. Though the "Learn to ride a motorcycle" is a possibility since both my Dad AND my Father in Law have motorcycles... it's just suckering one of them into letting me learn on their precious bikes. hee hee. Hmmm. My list is somewhere. Mostly in my head. I should probably write it all down again. Bah! And keep that journal. I need to just keep my notebook with me. I think of stuff that I want done when I'm gone and will tell someone in passing but I NEED to have it all written out.

#1. Do NOT bury me with blue eye shadow on.

Maybe that's all I need to address.

1 comment:

  1. I can see it now: "I know she talked a lot about blue eye shadow. Hmmm...she must have liked it. Okay then. Blue it is."

    Sorry, couldn't resist.

    Don't forget to lay on your back on the grass and look at the clouds every now and then.

    And oh yeah, work with your doctors, dammit.