Monday, December 27, 2010


As you can tell- it's been over a week... actually almost 2 since my last post. Sorry about that.
You can imagine I've been nothing less than busy. I had ZERO Christmas shopping done, the house was a mess, (and is again) and I'm still trying to catch up on sleep. That will never actually happen. I just want to sleep for a week- if the week happened to be in a wormhole where I wouldn't actually LOSE a week of time.
I'm waiting on the word from Dallas whether they can make the vaccine from my cancer. It's a bit nervewracking because it's a 20% chance that they CAN'T. I know, I know- that means an 80% chance they CAN. But as you know, I seem to be pretty damn good at beating the odds. I mean, really- Lynch Syndrome, Appendix cancer... not just appendix cancer, but the RAREST of the appendix cancers. I'd play the lottery if I thought my luck would actually change at any point.
I only consider myself lucky that I FOUND the cancer before it killed me without knowing it.

Okay- moving on. I have to make the preperations for the Florida trip fast approaching. I am wondering if the extra couple of days we'll be spending will be worth it. Gotta rent a car, have food for the fridge and all that. Money that should be spent on bills, treatment or responsible things. It's not going to break us at the moment I guess. Ugh, what to do... We might just be worn out from the days before. I'm having second thoughts.
You know, there just isn't a protocol for being terminally ill. There should be an outline of what is acceptable and what isn't. Because Dammit, I feel like I can't do the right thing now- EVER. I am trying to balance being responsible with living in the moment because I don't know what is next. Hell- was this my last Christmas? A friend held bake sales and raised money to give my family a great Christmas. The girls got so many wonderful things! I was torn about accepting it because I worry so much that people will judge and hate me and I still worry that people think I'm faking because I still hear all the time "You don't LOOK sick." I mean, if you've been told that you don't have much time to live, what do you use fundraiser money for? Do you use it for fun things with your family? Are you supposed to put it in your kids' college account? Pay bills with it? buy something totally frivolous? Pay for your ton of perscriptions? Pay medical bills? My Mom got us a Wii for Christmas... are people going to judge me for having that in the house? Honestly- being a charity is stressful. I've cried over how to handle THAT just as much as I've cried about having cancer. If that gives you any idea. I can't imagine I'm the only one.
"Did you hear that Rachel has a new bankety-blank and a blankety blank and I heard that she's going to blankety blank?" I'm thankful for what people do to help - but it's also the source of much stress because I can just hear other people talking.
Maybe people aren't talking... maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe I'm right on. I'm effin' stressed just talking about it. But you know what? I think it needs addressed because you hear stories of people faking illnesses to get money and to hold fundraisers just so they can get a boob job or go on vacation to the Bahamas. Those stories make me want to punch those people in the throat. Not only are they making a mockery of genuinely SICK people, but they have made those sick people feel bad, awkward, guilty about accepting help- in whatever form. I don't know what else to call it- Charity. That's what it is. I've been told that it's not what it is, but I can't think of another word for it.
It's frustrating. That's another word for it I guess.

I totally didn't mean to jump on a soapbox, but that's where my mind went. Kinda sad that it's where it went when I was thinking happy thoughts about Christmas. We did have a good day. Iris was sick Christmas Eve. She spent the evening sleeping, fighting off something. She was better or "GREAT" as she said Christmas morning. I couldn't get enough of the smiles on the girls' faces. And there were unlimited hugs and "Thank yous." I hope I recorded enough to memory. I try not to think this may be my last, but I think about Marcie, who passed in September. I'm sure she didn't think 2009 would be her last Christmas.
Now what to do for the New Year. Will I feel guilty about not spending it with the girls if I decide to go out?
See what I mean?
It never ends.

It may come as a surprise to you, but I'm actually in a good mood right now. I just think too much. It's exhausting.

So maybe to relax, I will think about that 2 hour massage I got as a Christmas present from my husband. Ahhhh.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Rach, Just take what you "call charity" and use it for whatever you need at the present time, bill, vacations, meds or whatever. Who cares what people think... in the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that life is as normal as it can be for the girls right now and all the special things they get to do with mommy. Dont you dare feel quilty about how any of it is spent. All of the rest of us should feel guilty about not helping you more in your time of need. I'm sending you tons of hugs and well wishes. Keep your spirits high and I hope you keep looking like your not know it sucks to be sick and look sick at the same time....LMAO!! We need to do another girls night out soon!!