Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What Next?

I am getting anxious about going back to Dallas next month.
I'm afraid the vaccine won't work in time to make a difference. I may just be paranoid but my abdomen feels harder and I feel... weird. I feel cloudy and kinda out of it at times. And there are times when I should be wide awake but I can't keep my eyes open. I had guests over last night and I felt like a jerk because if I sat down for more than 3 minutes my eyes wanted to close and I was going cross-eyed when they were open. I wasn't sleepy.
I was at work and for a minute or two I closed my eyes and actually had a dream... or was it an hallucination? I've even caught myself reaching for something that someone "in the dream" was handing me. This in the middle of the day.

Has the cancer made it to my brain? Am I over-tired? Is it the drugs I'm on? Who the hell knows?

So, maybe an MRI is next on my list of medical procedures I need done? Haven't had one of those, so- check- I MUST HAVE IT.
I still feel fat. I don't really look it from the front, but the side view- ick. My stomach fat is gross and isn't going anywhere. Where's the compassionate doctor who does tummy tucks? Tummy tucks for cancer patients... I think I'll start my own walk.

I've met with the doctor since the last paragraph. Seemed like a split second to you, huh?
I told her about all my concerns and she said it is most likely the drugs and the fact that I'm "working a lot." I use the quotes because I'm hardly an asset at this point.
Moving on... My bloodwork is still good, the lump on my incision scar is grody and getting big and uncomfortable and all that but there's nothing really to do about it at this point.
Of course as soon as I got home I found another lump in my arm that shouldn't be there- gotta wait a while to talk about it. next week I guess. No MRI right now. The doc asked me if I wanted one- I said not right now.
I feel like I'm falling apart. Is it in my head? Because May, 2011 is the 2 year mark? That at one point THAT was my expiration date? Peritoneal Carcinomatosis prognosis from diagnosis= 2 years. And there it is. In my face.
All it takes is one vital organ to shut down.. at any time.

And I worry about Vera wearing bright orange rain boots that are 2 sizes too big for her out in public?

Pardon my French but,
Fuck Cancer.


  1. The vaccine will work......gotta work for you and your family.
    Dreams are quite common with cancer patients, I had them before diagnoses and through treatment and so have many is normal. I think it is a combination of medication and even more our sub conscious coming through, I believe they mean something but I really don't know what. (don't help you much does
    Hang in there sweetie, you have done so well and there are still so many things for you to do. I also believe it is normal as you are thinking of your 2 years where you may still be here 10 or more years from now when that vaccine works. Be gentle on yourself. Always in my heart and prayers.....:-)Hugs

  2. I'm not really full of "right things" to say right now. So in the spirit of FUCK CANCER, you and I have a lunch date in July and I will NOT be sitting in some SEOhio dive by myself. Period.

  3. I continue to intend that the vaccine IS working... right now... all the time... for the highest and best good of all concerned, so be it and SO IT IS!!!! whooooo.... amen.

    You are under HUGE stress and an emotional response to that can sometimes come as having such fatigue that you are literally sleep-walking in the day time... I don't have health issues right now, but very stressful financial ones which have the same results of being so exhausted that I want to go to sleep at wierd times. If you can, give yourself some time each day when you can do something that is just for you...