I am getting anxious about going back to Dallas next month.
I'm afraid the vaccine won't work in time to make a difference. I may just be paranoid but my abdomen feels harder and I feel... weird. I feel cloudy and kinda out of it at times. And there are times when I should be wide awake but I can't keep my eyes open. I had guests over last night and I felt like a jerk because if I sat down for more than 3 minutes my eyes wanted to close and I was going cross-eyed when they were open. I wasn't sleepy.
I was at work and for a minute or two I closed my eyes and actually had a dream... or was it an hallucination? I've even caught myself reaching for something that someone "in the dream" was handing me. This in the middle of the day.
Has the cancer made it to my brain? Am I over-tired? Is it the drugs I'm on? Who the hell knows?
So, maybe an MRI is next on my list of medical procedures I need done? Haven't had one of those, so- check- I MUST HAVE IT.
I still feel fat. I don't really look it from the front, but the side view- ick. My stomach fat is gross and isn't going anywhere. Where's the compassionate doctor who does tummy tucks? Tummy tucks for cancer patients... I think I'll start my own walk.
I've met with the doctor since the last paragraph. Seemed like a split second to you, huh?
I told her about all my concerns and she said it is most likely the drugs and the fact that I'm "working a lot." I use the quotes because I'm hardly an asset at this point.
Moving on... My bloodwork is still good, the lump on my incision scar is grody and getting big and uncomfortable and all that but there's nothing really to do about it at this point.
Of course as soon as I got home I found another lump in my arm that shouldn't be there- gotta wait a while to talk about it. next week I guess. No MRI right now. The doc asked me if I wanted one- I said not right now.
I feel like I'm falling apart. Is it in my head? Because May, 2011 is the 2 year mark? That at one point THAT was my expiration date? Peritoneal Carcinomatosis prognosis from diagnosis= 2 years. And there it is. In my face.
All it takes is one vital organ to shut down.. at any time.
And I worry about Vera wearing bright orange rain boots that are 2 sizes too big for her out in public?
Pardon my French but,