Monday, April 25, 2011

End Of An Era

Had a great Easter with the family. Though I was too tired to go to services I kinda felt like I should have went... you know?
We had family over for an egg hunt with the kids. LOTS of eggs. Ugh- probably too many, but we were counting on 2 more kids to hunt. Oh well, the girls were happy- and little cousin Wesley was happy too.
It was nice to have everyone over, I think that's the most people I've had over at one time. ?
Today is the first day of my last week at work.
I've decided to go on Social Security Disability. There are a number of factors that led to the decision. Some were no-brainers but I do love my job. I've been here for just shy of 10 years. Longer than anywhere else. I get a little misty-eyed thinking about it. I hate that I HAVE to even make that decision. But I've gone a bit downhill (well, I have) for the last couple of months. I'm more tired than usual, I'm sick at work, I've lost a bit of humor, I'm just this side of worthless really. So I have to relent and call it. It's not fair to everyone else around me to pick up the slack. I've never liked being a load. I suspect that this will give the jerk/loudmouth/a-hole at work ample ammunition to badmouth me some more like he did when I was diagnosed: "I guess this gives her more reason to be lazy." he said. Or something like it. I think he was just jealous that HE couldn't be the one with any sort of excuse. He doesn't have one but he sucks anyway.
Ugh- No, that stuff doesn't roll of my back. It actually cuts pretty deep, or I wouldn't even mention it.
Anyway- Friday is my last day at work. I got into radio to be on a morning show. I got there after 4 years in. I thought that was a pretty good advancement. So now I have to give it up. it wasn't really fair to the station and the people working to have to sit on edge to know that at some point they would have to find a replacement and possibly be hated for it. If I up and died while still working, what's the protocol for finding my replacement? Do they bring someone in immediately? Do they wait X months? Do they leave it open forever? Eh- Now they can do what they NEED to do. I hate doing it, but bowing out is about the only respectable thing I can do. Dammit.

The end of an era.

I know what you're all thinking- But you'll have so much time for the girls, for your health, for whatever you WANT to do.
~ Of Course I Will. That doesn't mean I didn't want to work. I LIKE my job. It's as much part of who I am as my Navy time was, as much as being a mom, as much as bieng mascot in high school, as much as playing basketball, playing drums in the marching band, being in ballet, being in Girl Scouts, being in 4-H, growing up in Coolville.
Some people get jobs to make money and that's it. Good on them. I chose my career because I wanted to do something that I WANTED to do. I knew there wouldn't be any money in it, but I figured that if I was doing something I loved, I wouldn't be miserable.
So here I am.
I got what I wanted. And now- I have to give it up. And the fear of being forgotten is kicking my ass again.

I've also noticed that I can't get a friggin' 'funny' checkmark on any of my posts anymore... maybe because I'm just not funny. Or maybe it's because the last few months have sucked. Well, in comparison. I mean, not that things have been fantastic since May of '09, but my ability to reframe is being clouded a bit.
I will work on it. Because, dammit, I'm not going out like that.


  1. Well, it may be the end of That Era, but why do you think you might NEVER be on radio again? I loved my jobs, too, and from time to time I had to make decisions as a responsible individual, and it was hurtful, too.

    I was NOT thinking you can spend more time with your girls... I was thinking, "This is a really hard place to be, to think all your life and what you worked for is for nothing..." this is not true.

    Please continue to intend that the vaccine IS working and that your life is going to have a future and purpose... I am intending that with you.

  2. Hi Rachel,

    My dad is Mark Reinemann (Big Fish Diaries), I believe you two met through the disease.. He has talked about you a bit and I thought maybe I should stop by and send a note. Not only are your posts enlightening and inspiring, but FUNNY too. :) Fight that good fight, or as my dad would say, "kick some cancer ass."