Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A Thinking Problem

Just one day I would like to hear GREAT news as far as cancer is concerned. So far- it's all been either horrible or "Not bad" if you look at it a certain way.
I had My CT scans today. The catch... I was scheduled to go in at 9am to drink the contrast and CT at 10. I had to call and push it back because I was feeling awful. Then it was drink at 2, CT at 3. Well, I was in my hotel room, throwing up at 2. They gave me IV fluids and anti-nausea meds so I could get the CTs. Evidently the morphine I'm on is slowing my GI system down to the point where.. well.. things won't move. Well, then I can't eat anything when it's go nowhere to go, so it comes back up.

I've also been thinking a lot about mortality. The tumor on my chest is growing, I have little knots on my arms and stomach... I thought it was fat, but it's very possible they're tumors. And it would be my luck that they are and will gro like the one on my sternum, making me look like the friggin' Elephant Man.
The reason for the thoughts... a fellow cancer fighter, a friend I made at teh Disney retreat with Inheritance Of Hope, is in her final days. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in September. She has 2 children very close to my girls' ages. She and I got along great and her husband and Jason really bonded. I can't express how much I hate cancer. Right now I'm on a little ativan because I'm spending the evening THINKING. There is too much in my head. And it's not happy. I'm really mad at the world tonight. I guess it's a good thing I'm alone because I'd keep whoever was here with me awake, talking their ear off and probably blubbering like a baby.

It hasn't been a good day really. At least the day is ending watching "The Golden Girls."

1 comment:

  1. Oh Rachel I am sorry about your friend and I hate the thought of you being alone. You should of had someone with you for support. Hang in there sweetie, maybe the news won't be so bad tomorrow. Sending big hugs and many prayers from Canada, xo