As I approach the final round of chemo, it would be an understatement to say it will be a relief to be done with it. I was actually proud of myself for the past couple of days for not getting all weepy and emotional- focusing on the home searching/buying process... looking forward. Though that, in itself, can be depressing too. I look at the house and wonder if I'll be there to send my girls down the steps to the front door in their prom dresses... in their caps and gowns... or to help them pack up a car for college.
I try, for now, to focus on the now. But honestly- NOW- is hard too. I wonder if that will ever go away. Will I ever NOT wonder what I won't be here for? Once you hear "You've got Stage 4 Cancer and it's not cureable." You wither a bit. Oh yeah, you can be strong.... for stretches but it's virtually impossible to be Richard Simmons level of optimistic. :) (though I love him!)
I think what breaks me down the most isn't the idea of dying... I mean, everybody's THOUGHT about it at one point I'm sure, but it's a different twist when it's more of a reality. You want to get your affairs in order and make sure those you trust will follow through with your wishes. It's that I won't be around for all that I should be. I guess it's like not wanting to go to bed at night when you're a kid- you're SO afraid you're gonna miss something great!
Normally I'm a procrastinator- but I don't know that I have the luxury of time anymore. All research suggests that what I've got has an 18%-28% survival rate at 5 years after diagnosis... and I'm almost 1 year down already. Gotta be real. Not that I plan on just signing out at the 5 year mark, but let's be honest with ourselves.... anything past that mark is a gift. Tick-Tock.
So to put a spin on this less than sunny post- I sit here with the best of nausea, fatigue, stomach cramps, numb/sensitive fingers and allergy/watery eyes, but I know there is a good reason I'm putting up with these side effects. Eyes on the prize- and that prize is being able to be with my family and friends for as long as possible.
Plus, your lives would be so boring without me. I gotta keep you entertained. :)