Why is it when you're on a trip and have to pee, it gets more urgent the closer you get to home? Like you couldn't POSSIBLY hold it for another second? Well, my friends, I have to pee and I don't know that I can hold it anymore.
Reality: This Chemo is frustrating, painful, exhausting, infuriating and depressing and though I only have 2 more rounds to go, I wonder how much more I can tolerate. Of course I will finish the treatments and deal with it- but I can't help but think part of me is fading away. I can't pinpoint which part- but I am not the same person I was a year ago. I'd like to say I'm a stronger person, but I doubt that's true. I'm sick of being weepy, sad, manic-depressive. And I wouldn't blame anyone around me for avoiding me at all costs. Hell, I hate putting up with myself when I'm like this. It seems like something is chipping away at the person I was. I wouldn't have a problem with it if I didn't like myself before. But I DID! I spent 33 years perfecting my "Rachel-ness" dammit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means- I was just happy with who I was.
I am sincerely hoping that all this is temporary and with time I can be me again. It just can't happen soon enough.