Thursday, January 7, 2010

Tunnel's End

Why is it when you're on a trip and have to pee, it gets more urgent the closer you get to home? Like you couldn't POSSIBLY hold it for another second? Well, my friends, I have to pee and I don't know that I can hold it anymore.

Reality: This Chemo is frustrating, painful, exhausting, infuriating and depressing and though I only have 2 more rounds to go, I wonder how much more I can tolerate. Of course I will finish the treatments and deal with it- but I can't help but think part of me is fading away. I can't pinpoint which part- but I am not the same person I was a year ago. I'd like to say I'm a stronger person, but I doubt that's true. I'm sick of being weepy, sad, manic-depressive. And I wouldn't blame anyone around me for avoiding me at all costs. Hell, I hate putting up with myself when I'm like this. It seems like something is chipping away at the person I was. I wouldn't have a problem with it if I didn't like myself before. But I DID! I spent 33 years perfecting my "Rachel-ness" dammit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means- I was just happy with who I was.

I am sincerely hoping that all this is temporary and with time I can be me again. It just can't happen soon enough.


  1. I haven't gone through the chemo experience like you, but emotionally I can kind of get what you are talking about. Your Rachel-ness was going to change anyway, over time. So you aren't fading away, just changing...the reasons why we change aren't typically under our control, I'm learning.

    Great post. Just being able to recognize what you are going through and articulate it means you are stronger than you think! Imagine if you weren't so self-aware? Might be easier on the psyche, but not better for you. If that makes sense.

    Sheboygan Dan

  2. Hi Rachel, I can so relate to how you are feeling right now. When I got down to the last 4 weeks I swear it felt more like 4 months. Like you, I really wasn't sure I was going to make it. In fact, it pissed me off that I was feeling so wimpy at the end...I was thinking I would have that proverbial second never came.

    But, hold did end and over the next 3 months I started coming out of the fog so to speak. It was amazing. Simple things like dressing myself, laundry, vacuuming and just going to the store were coming back. I'm almost 4 months out now and I still catch myself thinking I can bring the groceries in by myself :)

    Unlike you, I didn't have kids at home. Just me and my husband...thankfully he was very supportive and always there. I can't imagine having to take care of two little ones. I know you have help with that when needed but I'm sure it's still really tough.

    Anyway, although you can't see it now you will get back your strength, your body and mind will work again and your legs won't feel like tree trunks forever :)

    I hope this helps you see a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel and I wish you god speed during these next few weeks.