Monday, September 27, 2010

No Whining

Sorry it's been a while. But I'm sure you understand.
I've been slowly recovering. Sleeping is especially hard. Our neighbor lady made some homemade chicken and noodles soup and I think Weds, Thurs, Fri- I'd eaten about 5 noodles each day and that was it. My appetite isn't back. I'm not excited for it to be, but I'd like it to be more than what it is now. Carnation Instant Breakfast is my friend for now. I haven't weighed myself to see what I've lost. I think I'd just be disappointed.

Well, if you didn't know by now- I did not get the chemo wash. From what I understand, Dr Sardi debulked a lot of the cancer- resected a few pieces of my small intestine, took out my gall bladder, fixed a hernia and repaired my stomach which was twisted and full of adhesions from the previous pointless chemo washes. I still got sliced and diced: Pubic bone to cleavage- SEXAY! AND- I don't have a bellybutton anymore. Not like I needed one I guess. But now my stomach is Ugly AND weird as hell. I guess I can win some bar bets now though. Woot!

I was discharged on Tuesday. I was nervous as hell to leave. Cold sweats and I think I had an anxiety attack. I'm not proud. Quite ashamed actually. Look, I've dealt with an ilias or HAD an ilias or gotten one or however the hell you put it in a sentence... Before. I was NOT ready to deal with one again. I will NEVER be ready for one of those again. I was with my sister-in-law, Inga, when I left. We got a hotel room across the street from Mercy. My Dad got there around 8. The evening was and is a blur to me. I just know that poor Inga had to play nurse-maid to me as I whined and cried. She was just lucky that in between that, I was sleeping. We left around 11am. Got home around 5pm and got to see my babies around 8.

I should get my 87 staples out this week. I will *sigh* resume chemotherapy in a few weeks since the cancer is now in most of the lymph nodes in my abdomen.
Can't win 'em all, right?


  1. So sorry things are tough for you, I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling or what you're going through. From what I understood from the Caring Brige updates (now, I could be wrong here), are they testing the cancer to find a chemo that is most appropriate for your specific cancer?
    Sure hope you're feeling better and kicking ass again soon. In the mean time, catch up on some great (or trashy) TV:-)

  2. Hey Rachel: Someone who walked this walk before me gave me some great advise; Its about winning the war, not the battle. So you didn't get the chemo wash...that doesn't mean you won't be a prime candidate later on. My surgeon (Bartlette at UPMC) told me that he did 12 surgeries on one of his patients. I'm not looking forward to a lifetime of shake & bakes but damn, at least its a lifetime. Also, acupuncture really helps me. Have you tried it?

  3. Hi Rachel,

    I say to hell with all the crapy nurses..... although I really do think most nurses are special people (my little sister is a nurse). Listen, in your mind, you are thinking to yourself that you must be a pain in the ass to everyone around are thinking, if you were a nurse - you'd be thinking this Rachel chick is one royal pain..... But I don't think all those nurses are thinking what you are thinking. You just don't like beging a person in need - that's just not who you are. Those nurses understand that you are fighting a tremendous battle. You should cut yourself some slack - you are in pain, you are worn out, you're scared, you miss your have a hell of a lot of discomfort going even if they do think you're a pain.....GIVE THEM THE CHIN!! But what I'm really trying to tell you is, don't feel bad that they might think badly about you even if they really do......who cares. They became nurses to help help they shall!

    You're a hell of a fighter Rachel. And a teacher. You are rarely far from my thoughts, on a daily basis. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Love ya Rach!

    Sheree Lesch