Maybe it's because it's Friday. Yeah right- I have no concept of "Wahoo- it's the weekend!!!" I'm just happy for each new day. Cheesy? Yeah, I know.
I will be calling the surgeon in Dallas today to see if he wants to remove the tumor. I am at peace with the idea of a colostomy bag if it means less pain and more time.
I feel considerably better than I have the last few days. I am still weak and I am still tired- but I am not hurting like I was. It's not even a hurt that I can describe. It's just pain. And like my friend Jenny said last night- being in constant pain can bring you down quicker than anything else. It's like having some jerk in your face telling you every waking minute that you're going to die. After so long- you start believing it- and you can either let it take you down or fight it.
I can tell you that it gets harder and harder to fight it with every failed treatment. With every meaningless round of chemo. With every unsuccessful surgery. With every recovery that I can't hold my kids. With every look in the mirror.
I have lost weight. I think around 20lbs. Now, I can't pinpoint the real reason. There are a lot of factors: I am making better choices when I'm eating. I cut out pop- my true weakness. I don't eat as much as I used to. Then there's the cancer.
All contributing I guess. It scares me a little, but I don't think I look sick... it's just dropping weight a little quicker than the average person I guess. I've heard that I look good with the weight off... rather than concern that I've lost weight you know? So when I hear close friends expressing concern over my looks I'll really worry. I NEEDED to lose weight anyway. I'm sure that there's a huge chance of diabetes just around the corner so let's try to NOT go there. I don't need that TOO.
Don't get me wrong- by the books I'm still overweight so no worries about being underweight. I guess I get to go out for a new wardrobe though. My pants are falling off. Or I'll just invest in suspenders. Uh- no.
Anyway- Fear not. I have emerged from my funk yet again.
You fight this because you love your girls more than you love anything else, admirable, understandable, and something they will appreciate when they are older and something they need from you now. I continue to align with your intention to survive this cancer and intend that the doctors are making good decisions to help you achieve this goal... for the highest and best good of all concerned, so be it and SO IT IS!
ReplyDeletePraying for you Rachel! Boy your road sure has been a tough one to say the least.Keep fighting girl! F..king cancer! I hate it!
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my heart and prayers always. Enjoy each day with your family Rachel, none of us know when it will be our last day, and it is a journey we all have to take. I pray that yours is not for a very long time, your girls need their mother....:-)Hugs
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