Wednesday, March 17, 2010

More good news.

I say that with every ounce of sarcasm I have in me. I got a call from the nurse yesterday tell me that I have a 2(ish)cm cyst on my thyroid but that TSH levels were fine. In the meantime- I am itchy, FAT, tired and have probably the nastiest dry skin I can imagine. hmmm.

I have also discovered that I am slowly breaking down. I think if I didn't have my girls that I would just have to throw in the towel. I don't know how much more bad news I can take and deal with.
It's not just the cyst. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I am not the mother I should be- I catch myself losing my cool too easily. I TRY- and in the back of my head I wish my husband would CALMLY take over and give me a break and maybe at least play 'good guy' but he doesn't. If he sees me getting upset- he gets mad too- which, in turn, puts me on the deffensive for the girls- because I can't stand to see someone get cross with them- even if it's him. They're my babies. So there is a constant frustration in me that will manifest in tears given the slightest opportunity.
I hate that I am on anti-anxiety medicine because of how HE makes me feel- not because of how the CANCER makes me feel. I'm frustrated at work because I feel worthless and know that there are at LEAST 2 people here that have discussed just how 'not useful' I am. I am a talker- that's why I got into radio, but I am afraid to talk anymore for fear that I'll say something stupid and be looked down upon. So my air time consists of "Yeah", "Ha ha" and "Awww." Riveting- right? There was a time here that I was gung ho about making these stations work great and I would do whatever was asked of me. I realized I was the only one. It wasn't working- so I joined the "I don't give a shit" club. But for some reason 'I' am the only one who gets the attention for it.
So I guess the happy pills are for work too.
I wish I could just whisk my girls away to the beautiful hills of Tuscany and live a semi-modern but simple life... cancer free, worry free, work free, financial troubles free.

I'm pissed at life right now.


  1. you are just on a down..... kick your butt and climb back up! It is what we do best!

  2. You're allowed, Rachel. Life has dealt you a shitty hand, and you're allowed to be pissed off at it. You know the positives in your life, the girls, your family, your friends. I am confident that you will continue to look to them to help you combat the crap. Just never forget to let yourself be mad, and sad, and any other feeling that you want. You're a great mom with an exceptional spirit. You continue to be an inspiration to me on so many levels. Please call if you ever want to rant.