I say that with every ounce of sarcasm I have in me. I got a call from the nurse yesterday tell me that I have a 2(ish)cm cyst on my thyroid but that TSH levels were fine. In the meantime- I am itchy, FAT, tired and have probably the nastiest dry skin I can imagine. hmmm.
I have also discovered that I am slowly breaking down. I think if I didn't have my girls that I would just have to throw in the towel. I don't know how much more bad news I can take and deal with.
It's not just the cyst. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I am not the mother I should be- I catch myself losing my cool too easily. I TRY- and in the back of my head I wish my husband would CALMLY take over and give me a break and maybe at least play 'good guy' but he doesn't. If he sees me getting upset- he gets mad too- which, in turn, puts me on the deffensive for the girls- because I can't stand to see someone get cross with them- even if it's him. They're my babies. So there is a constant frustration in me that will manifest in tears given the slightest opportunity.
I hate that I am on anti-anxiety medicine because of how HE makes me feel- not because of how the CANCER makes me feel. I'm frustrated at work because I feel worthless and know that there are at LEAST 2 people here that have discussed just how 'not useful' I am. I am a talker- that's why I got into radio, but I am afraid to talk anymore for fear that I'll say something stupid and be looked down upon. So my air time consists of "Yeah", "Ha ha" and "Awww." Riveting- right? There was a time here that I was gung ho about making these stations work great and I would do whatever was asked of me. I realized I was the only one. It wasn't working- so I joined the "I don't give a shit" club. But for some reason 'I' am the only one who gets the attention for it.
So I guess the happy pills are for work too.
I wish I could just whisk my girls away to the beautiful hills of Tuscany and live a semi-modern but simple life... cancer free, worry free, work free, financial troubles free.
I'm pissed at life right now.