I get comments of "I don't know how you do it." I "do" it only how I can think to. No, not every day is a blast- and I have breakdowns and fits and all that other stuff you'd expect when basically every waking minute you know you've got cancer and that some huge clock with your name on it somewhere is ticking.
It's a heavy burden, but if you swim in it until your fingers get all pruny- you're not doing yourself any favors. I get mad that I got cancer at 33 (or at 23 if you look at when the tumor started developing) but I've had 34 good years now and I expect more. I really think the end of me would be to see one of my daughters go through something even remotely similar to what I'm going through. I'm reading a blog right now that is about as bad as I could imagine. http://www.laylagrace.org/
I really need to stay up on these things because for me- it puts everything in perspective: So Friggin what if we don't have money for Disneyland? I have my healthy kids... Big deal if someone spills popcorn on the floor, IT'S A FLOOR- It's washable! No problem when Vera wakes in the middle of the night for the ump-teenth time- She'll grow out of it, and it's another reason to cuddle her while she dozes off again. Snuggle "just 5 more minutes" (one of Iris's favorite sayings to get you to draw things out) with Iris after you read her the last book of the night... before long, she won't WANT you to read her a book at all!
Though it's kind of a double whammy. If I were 100% healthy- Little Layla Grayce's story would still wreck me. Knowing my time with my kids is limited- What unnerves me even more- the idea that my girls may endure something like what I'm going through... and won't have their mommy there for them.
Cancer Can Suck It.
**Sleep in peace little Layla. A flock of Angels sing you to your rest.**
great post! so real. i worry about my daughter too. and i can't even imagine her going through what i've gone through either. but, i agree with you. most times you just look at what's before you now and appreciate it. your girls are fortunate to have you and you are fortunate to have them(i know it sounds trite. but it's true. they're the ones that give us the fuel to go on. take care.
ReplyDeleteUndoubtedly- they are my strength and fuel. I hope one day they will understand how much they mean to my being.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post, Rachel, which I think every mother can relate to. I was just thinking the other day, getting Dora back to sleep for the umpteenth time, about how much I love her, and wondering if she'll ever understand it. It's a testament to that love that, even though it is the umpteenth time that I've been interrupted from my own sleep, I still don't mind waiting a few more minutes to stare at her lovely sleeping face, listen to her sweet breathing, run my hand across her hair. I think she won't understand until she's a mother herself. I certainly didn't. Unfortunately, I didn't get to understand that love when I could share that understanding with my own mother - but it gives a new depth to our relationship even now. I pray for you that your kids get to learn how much you love them when you are still here to share it with them, and I believe that will be the case.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and prayers of strength coming your way.