Am I over thinking? Or is this normal? Or both?
I just scheduled an appointment with Dr. Chalikonda at Cleveland Clinic. They have just recently started doing the HIPEC surgery there. Am I looking there because it's the #4 hospital in the country or because it's 3 hours away? I've heard good things about it's cancer research branch. I want another Doctor to look at my records. I'm wondering why the MOAS wasn't suggested by my other surgeon. I want to get more than one doctor that thinks I'd be a good candidate. So why not? Right? Maybe? Shit. I don't know.
I have a good feeling about Doc Goodman- don't get me wrong, but how do you KNOW which doctor to go with? What If I get a good feeling from this other doctor too? What do I base my decision on? This is my LIFE we're talking about- so geographical location shouldn't matter. But does it have a bearing on my decision subconciously? WTF? How can I be so stoked one day and then on the fence the next? One thing is for sure: I'm not doing any more chemo. I just can't. I truly believe I need the MOAS and I need to be in the best condition I can be in before GO day and I simply can't do that when I'm sick and tired all the time from chemo. I'd rather swallow glass.
What the hell am I doing? Sabotaging myself?
The earliest I could get in to see the new guy is July 20. Gotta get records to him in the meantime. It was harder to get where I needed to get with what I was wanting talking to Cleveland Clinic. Is that bad? In the big scheme of things does it matter? How the hell do you pick the right doctor to do a huge surgery?
To rest my mind... a Haiku:
Too much to process
Maybe I'll pick some flowers
Cancer sucks on toast