This week has been oddly normal. Kinda. I'm still tired as hell and I still have a hard time sleeping. Gonna try some melatonin as a friend suggested. I loathe using Ambien.
I got all my crap done for my passport- and so I wait. I actually COOKED a bit. Evenings are tough because I guess I am slow with cooking... or it takes longer than I would like it to because by the time I get the girls home and get dinner ready- it's 7:30 (I know this because Jeopardy is on.. hee hee). Then it's the mad rush to get the girls to eat, then get ready for bed. But it would probably be the same situation whether I had cancer or not. So I embrace the madness. We have been giving the girls showers (I usually just get in there with them) because we can't use our tub- we need a whole new fixture put in because the other one is OLD and leaky and ruining the tilework. So sometimes the bedtime routine is hectic. Thank goodness for my Mother-in-law for giving the girls baths sometimes when she has them during the day.
I emceed a "Little Miss, Mister and Junior Miss" Pageants for the local 'Big Deal' fair on Tuesday. I thought I'd do alright but occasionally got a kid's name wrong. There were 30 girls in the youngest group- I had a paper with their names on it- but I didn't want to be staring at the paper the whole time. Well, chemo brain kicked in and I got a couple wrong on the way out. I didn't think it was that big of a deal but one of the women running the pageant would yell up the stage the CORRECT name at me. By the 3rd time she did it I was ready to either walk off the damn stage or yell back.
Number one- it was my first time in like 5 years doing something even REMOTELY like that... Two- it's an honest mistake even for someone NOT on chemo. But I also forgot to mention another pageant winner that was present and I forgot to make an announcement they'd asked me to do. I realized that as I was walking to my car.
I don't expect anyone to know my story and I'm not going to explain it to everybody but I was nervous enough being fat and up in front of people, but being fat AND stupid was a little much. Keep it together, keep it together. Suck it up Rachel. I fought back tears on the way home- telling myself I was being too sensitive.
Funny thing though- I was so nervous in front of the Judges and organizers of the fair I didn't really get a good vibe talking to them. It was probably just me. But I needed some hand sanitizer and no one there had any so I walked to the National Guard tent to see if they had any and I had ZERO problem talking to the guys there. Not flirting thank you- I'm just more comfortable around guys. I don't feel like they're sizing me up. I'm just there and can converse.
I had a CT scan yesterday (okay, not so normal) it was supposed to be Wednesday but I had it in my head that it was Thursday. I was cringing at the fact that I would have to do the contrast again... barf-o-rama. They worked me in. Not like the CT room is jam-packed in little ol' Marietta, Ohio. I can't say I'm a fan of the taste od saline and the IV contrast. Would be more tolerable if I didn't get it so often.
Oh, I wanted to give a little more detail about the "Not doing chemo." I defintely want to clarify that I'm not giving up by any means. 15 rounds of chemo and 2 chemo surgeries- that's what I've had in less than a year. And all signs point to "Only the surgeries have done any good" and those haven't done much at that. It is DISCOURAGING to endure the sweats, nausea, fatigue, mood swings, feelings of inadequacy, mental strain and so on that goes with chemo only to be told it's doing no good.
I'm not 100% positive it's NOT doing any good, but I don't know that if I could put the energy I WOULD have if I wasn't on the chemo toward eating healthier and being active if that would do just as good. BUT then I think "Well, what would my situation be if I hadn't done any chemo at all?" The CT scans from this week will tell whether this particular chemo has had any effect. There is a ton of research suggesting that IV chemo has little to NO effect on this type of cancer. It's not like other cancers where it's IN an organ or IN the blood or IN the lymph nodes. It's floating around the juices in my abdomen, landing on the outside of the organs. So it's suggested that the amount of chemo it would take to actually have a real effect on THOSE cancer cells would be toxic to the person.
You second guess every decision you make. Will THIS kill me? Will THIS save me? Do I care at this very moment? Yeah, I think that too.
Seeds of doubt. That's all it takes to wreck me. Should I have been a vegetarian my entire life? Would I still be where I am? My cancer is from a genetic mutation... so is it my fault? How the hell was I supposed to know? It's hard enough to know you have cancer and that it may kill you, but then almost every book you pick up tells you how "Colon cancer is the easiest cancer to prevent." Yeah- My ASS. Pun intended. So I did this to myself, huh? They NEVER mention Lynch Syndrome and it's factor to the equasion. It's all YOUR fault and WE'RE gonna rub it in. HA HA!
And on another note... I'm not a fan of the "Medical community conspiracy" to squeeze money out of you instead of using that "Cure to Cancer" they've got hidden away and won't use because cancer is a big money maker. Sorry to anyone who believes this- but it just PISSES ME OFF to hear. So please don't bring it up to me. I know it's a possibility.. however remote.. but I don't want to hear it. I'm not keeping myself in the dark, IF there is a secret cure for cancer- how the hell am I supposed to get it? So on my deathbed I'm supposed to be mad at the entire medical community or the insurance company or the government? I'm not going to walk around- pissed off at the world because there is a THEORY that cancer drugs are SO lucrative that "they" (whoever THEY might be)are keeping the cure from the general population. I put that in the same category as "The Moon landing was filmed in a basment in Hollywood." It's possible... but where is the proof either way? And I could almost promise you that no cancer patient wants to hear that shit.
I have to go with what is available to me.
What and Who is right? Who knows? If I die, does that mean I picked the wrong path to follow? So if I go Vegan and exercise like a fiend and still die, what does that mean?
What's the right answer?