Monday, July 19, 2010

Tired of being Optimistic.

Kind of appropriate that this is my 100th post...........

It's been over a year since dignosis. Approaching one year since the start of the hell that is chemotherapy.
In less than 18 months I've had 3 major surgeries, 1 minor surgery, almost 2 months total in a hospital, 18 weeks of recovery, an endoscopy, a colonoscopy, 5 CT scans, 15 rounds of chemotherapy and endless needle sticks.
To this point I was trying to be a little PollyAnna and trying to be totally positive- taking up for anyone doing my treatment.

I really didn't want to believe that someone might be dropping the ball when it came to my treatment. It would piss me off to hear "Do they know what they're doing?" Because 'Of COURSE' they know what they're doing. Why on earth would I be here getting sliced and diced? Surely not for the fun of it. And Don't Call me Shirley.

The reason this is all pouring out now is because it's like a slap to the face... a cold shower... a shot of double espresso... I'm going to miss out on a LOT of shit I had planned because I put my trust in someone who didn't deserve it. I should have asked more questions. I SHOULD have taken a page from my almost 4 year old's book and asked "Why?" about a million more times than I needed to. Why were people diagnosed AFTER me getting ONE MOAS and I was getting the 'Diet' version of it... TWICE?!? I can promise you next time I go to OSUMC, I'll be taking a shark with me. (Amber) And I'll let HER ask the questions... I'll be taking notes. I'm tired of being intimidated by big shots. Tired of just going along with whatever anyone wants to do to me in hopes that SOMEONE will eventually have the right answer. Cancer patients BEWARE.
I REALLY thought I was getting top notch care. That the lack of answers was because this cancer was tricky and rare and blah, blah, blah. Bullshit.
There were answers, there ARE answers and there are more answers than "You should look into clinical trials."
Thanks for screwing up my body to the point that all the scar tissue may cause complications with the surgery I should have gotten a year ago that I will be getting soon. I'm sure it will be good for my HEALTHY insides to have been subjected to chemo washes THREE times instead of ONE or even TWO.

I WOULD have been fine if after the first surgery I was told "You will need a much more involved surgery that we can't do here." Since they pretty much knew that then. But nope- All I was told was "There is too much tumor to remove." Again- BULLSHIT. THERE ARE SURGEONS WHO DO REMOVE ALL THE TUMOR... There was too much tumor for YOU to remove. I know that now.

How DARE you fuck with my life?

To lighten the mood a bit... simply insert my OLD surgeon's name where Clark's Boss's name is....


  1. I don't even have the words...

  2. This sounds more like you, Rachel. Angry, indignant and tough. Give 'em hell.

  3. It is outrageous. Terrible.

    I continue to be amazed by how strong you have been through what you've endured.

    The comfort to me (as a fan of yours) is in your good report (at least to my reading) from your latest test results.

    I am sorry that you'll probably miss out on Italy for now. But hopefully you'll get there soon enough, and with a much better outlook for your future. If it makes you feel any better (I know it won't), Venice is too hot this time of year and I was pickpocketed in Rome. ;)

    P.S. Was just talking to someone who knows a woman in her 60s who had her MOAS 12 years ago-- 12!!

  4. I LOVE that movie. And I'm just the type of dumbass that would bring the doctor to your doorstep wrapped in a ribbon so you could kick the crap out of him. Where's my RV??!!

  5. Excellent use of a movie clip.

    Quit stealing my friends! Beth- get back over on my blog!

    Keep moving, Rachel!

  6. that is just f*cking OUTRAGEOUS! i'm incredulous that you have been treated this way (or not treated for that matter). you have every right to pissed and tired. it is your body and how dare they mess with it and be careless with it! time to kick some major arse, rachel! you go girl.